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We’ve all heard the term Helicopter Parents or Tiger Mom, these witty nicknames describing overprotective parents who lord over their kids with an overbearing pressure. Now, there’s a new term to add to the list: Snowplow Parents.
While it doesn’t have the same ring as previous monikers, the meaning is shared. Clearing the path of every obstacle (sometimes at any cost) leaves children unable to face real challenges, thus preventing them from growing into the fully-awesome adults they ought to be.
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Edison famously made 1,000 attempts before he got the lightbulb right. If he had snowplow parents raising him, we’d still be living in the Dark Ages. Check out what we suspect to be the next trends in hot new parenting traps that will likely rob kids of having their own life, pimples and all.
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Snow Plow Parents
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Riding Lawnmower Parents
These parents sever all your relationships and natural abilities so you will have no choice but to depend on them for everything, forever.
"What time is dinner?" will still be a popular question at 40.
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Hands-Free Bluetooth Parents
These parents stalk you on every social media channel you use, and have even created accounts on platforms you don't (Periscope, Twitch, and Slack) just in case you venture into the unknown. They recall how many "likes" and followers you have faster than meaningless details like your birthday, eye color, or whether you prefer pancakes or waffles.
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Clown Car Mom
These moms refuse to let you drive, even though you're 28. She'll drive you (and as many friends are there are seat belts) to and from the bars. You meet a nice girl? She'll bring her home!
Like a juiced-up soccer mom, these matronly chauffeurs will caddie your crew to the mall, the beach, then downtown to score some party supplies/weed. You may still have to sit in a child's locked seat though.
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Motorcycle Dad
He isn't a man of means, but he means well. Whether it's a life on the road selling globes door-to-door, or settling down to the quiet trailer-park life, Dad takes you everywhere and never bothers bringing a Band-Aid.
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Defibrillator Dad
Kids whose parents do everything for them become so apathetic toward existence that they make Dadaist French poets look exhilarating. These flat-lined youths need a good shock to the system every now and then just to get them out of bed. What a drag.
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Dildo Parents
These parents are so hyper-obsessed with your hormone-crazed adventures, they trail you around like a bloodhound chasing a goose. Total dickheads.
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Slot Machine Parents
With these ruthless parents, you'd have to be lucky to score any positive attention from them. They want to keep you pilled-up and addicted to the game they've got going, setting pointless goals for you with one hand, while undercutting your confidence with the other. One day you'll look up -- a warm beer resting on your giant pot belly, 26 empty cans littering the floor around you, the faint smell of failure permeating the air of the filthy apartment you live in (alone) on the outskirts of Des Moines -- and realize it was a losing game. It was always a losing game.
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Invasive Drone Parents
These parents monitor your every move with NSA-level technology, and no matter where you go in the universe, they always know exactly what you are up to. So creepy!
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Segue Parents
These parents are always hovering close behind you in the most embarrassing fashion possible, telling you what to do and what to eat.
Did you have lunch today? What did you have? What time did you eat? Don't go and spoil your dinner!
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Rocking Chair Parents
The opposite of helicopter parents. Typically older, these folks couldn't care less about you. They lived a full, satisfying life before you came along and kind of just snuck you in under the wire before all the eggs ran out. They don't have the interest or energy to keep up, but they're not total slackers. You always know where to find them when you're in a real pickle. Hey, could be worse!
