Photo: DuKai photographer (Getty Images)
Rapid technological advancements in every field have radicalized the way we interact, treat illnesses, and even prepare homemade Neapolitan style pizza. So why is travel tech stuck in the 1970s?
Mandatory did some research and compiled a shortlist of alternative modes of travel to get you from point A to point B in the most innovative ways possible. Skip the stress on your next big trip and saddle up with one of these newfangled transportation methods that will have you yawning in the Bahamas faster than you can say “Beer me, please.”
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No Boeing Travel
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A Series of Catapults
What's old is new with this ancient technology of transporting heavy, flaming things over city walls. By setting up a series of catapult stations we can quickly zip across nations in as a few as 1,200 stops.
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Using the Earth's Rotation
Outsmarting the Earth was only a matter of getting really high. By using a hot air balloon to float into the stratosphere, we can simply wait for the Earth to turn, then fling ourselves down toward whatever exotic location we please.
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A Fleet of Balloons
The most elegant and stylish solution to global travel can be found at your average 4-year-old's birthday party. As soon as scientists figure out how to navigate this sassy airship, and where to stow the luggage, we'll be on our way.
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Giant Sea Turtles
The most reliable sea-faring creatures since time immemorial, these guys will get you to where you want to go, no questions asked. But it can be a little pricey since they charge per minute and not per mile. Don't be surprised if everyone is riding one by summer.
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Homemade Airplanes
Never trust a plane that you didn't build yourself. Right? By the way, where's the landing gear?
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Hoverboards
Nothing is cooler than rolling up to Paris like Mustafa on a storm cloud. And the year it takes you to get there will give you plenty of time to learn the language.
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Collectively Ignoring Gravity
Nothing is more powerful than humanity's collective consciousness. If we want it bad enough, we'll make it happen.
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Quantum Leaping
What could possibly go wrong with this fantastic mode of transport? We've had the technology since the '80s, and we don't care what the haters say; it's still the safest way to travel interdimensionally since the discovery of wormholes.
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Riding A Stranger In A Wingsuit
Sometimes it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Just be sure to bring an extra pair of pants.
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Seal-Guided Canoe
Seals can be trained to do all sorts of clever things. These full-service guides serve linguine and clams and your choice of ginger ale, 7-Up, or Diet Coke with every trip.
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Space Chickens
Maybe it's time we talked about the space chickens that have been circling our planet since Donald Trump took office. Maybe.
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Finishing That Hole To China
The hole that Billy dug in his backyard in 1960 was one helluva start. Elon Musk's crew was brought in to finish the dig and should have regularly scheduled passage to the Far East by 2025.
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Um...Richard Branson?
Yeah...nevermind.
