Photo: RapidEye (Getty)
Right about now, the average man is likely deeply concerned about nonstop sex, sports or food (all at once, if possible) and how he’s going to get it, what it’s going to taste like and how wonderful the nap afterwards will be. Women, on the other hand, are juggling about a billion heady every-day things many men are fairly oblivious to, not excluding breast cancer awareness, freezing eggs, never enough wine and sexual advances every time they wear fucking yoga pants.
These thoughts range anywhere from Do I have enough tampons to last me the week? to Did I take my birth control today? Wait, did I take two? Shit! all while carrying a purse-full that houses said tampons, birth control and UTI antibiotics. In addition to hurrying home after a long day at work (where she’s likely pay discriminated and sexually harassed) to shave her entire body, doll herself up, so she can go out for two glasses of wine, which she may be expected to split the bill for.
It’s not easy being a woman. This, coming from a man, is not news. Women have been carrying the load, raising boys into men ever since our mothers gave up and doing the dirty work while we sit back and pollute the world with beer farts and Fantasy Football until someone tells us to go to bed. While this is an unlicensed and fairly devolved, terrible generalization of both sexes, we’re simply giving women a shout-out for being total badasses.
Now, men, put down the controllers, step inside just 12 daily duties of being a woman below and give your lady a standing ovation already. You thought we said “ovulation” just then, didn’t you? Scared you a bit.
12 Every-Day Things About Being a Woman That Men Are Fairly Oblivious About
More to learn: These Hip Adult Sex-Ed Classes Are Mythbusters For Men Who Need A Clue About Women (And Their Crazy Bodies)
Things Men Don't Get
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#MeToo & Politics Getting Between Their Legs
The latest trend is an unfortunately overdue one in which women are finally speaking out against the men of power who have assaulted them sexually in the past.
Very few men know what it's like to be fondled by strange women, and if they did, it'd probably go down as the best goddamn day of their lives.
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The Foul Taste of Semen
Ask any guy if he's tried his own. He'll deny it, but it's happened, even if by speck of accident. Women, on the other hand, get to take it by the load and do so with a smile on their face. Men, if you wonder why she cringes at your salty asparagus secretion and runs to the bathroom, try a spoonful yourself sometime. Lord knows we know better.
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Being Late (Like Really Late)
The latest men have ever been is one beer past the start of a tailgate party. Imagine waking up to the surprise thought that another human being is trying to grow inside of you.
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An Endless Sea of Failed Selfies
Men who take selfies are part of the disease, and any one of them who continues to try after three failed attempts should be extinguished.
Women, however, have to get the right angle to encompass the perky boobs, the curvature of the booty, the slimming side of their face and maintain a separate point of objectivity to excuse their behavior (i.e. a dog for adoption, a setting sun, your ugly mug). Hold still, this should only take 50 or so tries before further reviewing and reshooting.
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Did We Mention Blow Jobs?
Yeah, we discussed the "loads," but frankly we're not certain full respect has been paid to women who do not enjoy the giving portion, yet still do it on a regular basis to please the man they love. The least we could do is offer them some gum or a mint after, perhaps a glass of vodka. For men, getting to go down on a girl should be like an early Christmas present every time.
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Tampons, Tampons, Tampons
The procedure of the tampon is one we like to leave up to you, kind of like child birth.
When, how and where exactly is beyond us. How deep do they go? Will a paper towel work if you're in a pinch? Where does it go after? In the toilet? Oh. Not in the toilet? Do you collect them in jars and deposit them somewhere later? Is this relationship over?
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What the Hell Are Ovaries?
Photo: via Stephanie Sarley
The mythical clitoris is a destination we've grown accustomed to slowly over the years of women redirecting our hands, but we still don't get ovaries, do we?
You seem to be very in touch with what's going on there. Ovulation is a word we know scares us if we're not trying to have kids, but otherwise, we only know there's a horny week, a period of the month and a period of ovulation.
We're just not sure those are in the right order. Men have one special week this time of year, and it's a Fantasy Football party.
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Somehow Always Look Presentable
Thanks to social media and the ever-present need to be loved and in love, women seem to think they need to be presentable at all times, even at the gym. I saw a girl with full makeup run down the street the other day. So if you want ice cream at 10 p.m. does that mean you're lacing up the eyeliner? That sounds miserable. The only time we wore eyeliner was that one Halloween, but as much as we liked it, it's not worth poking our eyes out daily.
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Everything Shaved All the Time
There's a bit of pressure to been clean shaven, like a Barbie, all over. Prickliness and stubble, the five o'clock shadow for pubes and underarms, haunts women daily. The only thing men groom is their pubes when the hairs reach above the elastic in their jockeys and their pit hair when it starts to braid on its own.
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UTIs & Other Painful Things
Photo: via Stephanie Sarley
Wise women tend to pee after sex (every single time) to avoid an infection. They already have one annoying infection in their lives (you), better not welcome another.
Men, meanwhile, pee when they've had a few too many Coronas and usually in the middle of the night with a relieving moan to wake the neighbors.
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The Terror of Morning After Pills
Birth control is one thing, but most men don't know the actual trauma of the morning after pill. We tend to be complicit in the act, but when it comes to the rebound and recovery the next day, we know little about the depression, weight gain, breakouts and other side effects involved. To a lot of men, it's just a birth control pill taken after instead of before when in reality it's worse than any hangover or food poisoning scenario, and we've had some doozies.
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Debilitating Cramps
Ever seen a woman doing squats in the office with a strained look of misery? She's likely not working on her glutes but rather trying to relieve some cramps the likes you've never seen. Try saddling up with some of those, along with the general back pain of being a woman and you'll fully appreciation her from now on. The only squats you'll see a man do outside of the gym is for the hotdog that just hit the ground. He's got five seconds. OK, ten. Fifteen tops.
