Photo: Brainsil (Getty)
We all love it: the sex. But are we all good at it? Heavens to Betsy, no! In the grand pursuit of mastering the common sex positions, we’re going to go over your head and throw out 8 near-impossible sex positions we challenge you to master (or even just try).
While we know lying in the missionary position and letting your lady do all the work sounds blissful, maybe it’s time you threw her a curveball and churned her butter with a different kind of bread. You know, we’re not sure what that means, but The Butter Churner is definitely a position, and it’s definitely herein with all the other difficult sex positions that may leave you lady breathless. There’s also the chance it may leave her in back pain and you with a broken peen.
As with any exercise, be it coffee before workouts or what have you, remember to exhibit caution, care, drink plenty of water before, during and after and, of course, get consent from both parties before trying the Tug of War position (or any position for that matter). Safe sex and amateur attempts are the name of the game today, kids. Play safe.
8 Near-Impossible Sex Positions We Challenge You To Master Or Even Just Try
And now, for some harsh truth: Your Girlfriend Is Probably Faking It
Impossible Sex Positions
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Leg-Up Shower Sex
Illustration: via guidetomakelove.com
Say what you will about the awesomeness of shower sex, but it takes a lot of effort to make it work. The most important thing is height compatibility. If she's too tall and you're too small, you're screwed. If she's too short, prop her leg up, but we promise you no matter what, she'll give you the "this isn't working, is it?" face at some point.
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The Butter Churner
Illustration: via cracked.com
It looks cartoonish, but it's a real thing. Many dudes will struggle with this based solely on the bend of their peen, and some girls can't hold this half-ass yoga pose too long. It's also never in porn because it's barely attractive, like you're drilling for oil.
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The Spider
Illustration: via sexpositions.club
It's a quasi-common position, but it's not too common because it barely works. It requires work from both sides (ahem, ladies) but the angle is just so awkward you'd rather just roll her over and do what you do best.
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Spider Monkey
Illustration: via sexpositions.club
Not to be confused with The Spider, Spider Monkey is hard to decipher just by looking at it. Seriously, look at that and then see if you and your lady can actually put that puzzle together.
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Wheelbarrow
Illustration: via Readers Health Digest
It was fun as a child with your clothes on, but is it safe for a man without his? It's essentially a mid-air prairie doggy style, but should it fall apart, so might your manhood.
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Head Game
Illustration: via Readers Health Digest
This is just for showing off. It's like half missionary, half from behind and you still can't see her crying regretful tears.
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London Bridge
Illustration: Pinterest
Totally impossible. No guy can bend backwards like that. The best shot you have is classic Cowgirl.
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Tug Of War
Illustration: via Readers Health Digest
Call me crazy, but I don't want to fornicate in a position called the Tug of War. There's too much at stake if you lose, but she wouldn't understand that, now would she?
