Photo via Columbia Pictures
When it comes to wondering if your cable company is taking advantage of you, let us spare you the time and energy. It’s the big yes. It’s not a groundbreaking discovery, whether they’re overcharging, under delivering, leaving you on hold to die of natural causes or destroying your home after showing up three hours late (after the six-hour window they said they’d show up in closes). But it makes you wonder just how badly they’re screwing you, doesn’t it?
While we’ve heard our fair share of cable company horror stories, we’re running through a list of bad experiences we’ve had resolving a bill, disconnecting service old, connecting a new one while the last tenant never paid theirs and somehow that’s your problem, and our favorite: asking one simple question only to run through the gamut of cable company hierarchy, only to realize nobody there has a goddamn clue.
Join us in a quick 10-point questionnaire, where if you’re answering “yes” to more than a few, your cable company is definitely screwing you. Don’t worry, though, they’re fucking us all in perfect harmony.
Is Your Cable Company Taking Advantage of You? The Answer Is a Big ‘Yes’
Speaking of which: Is ‘The Cable Guy’ the Most Underrated Comedy of the Past 20 Years?
Cable Company
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Are They Banging Down Your Door?
Your tech appointment was set for the hours of 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. They show up at 5:05, pounding on the door, wondering why you won't answer, then leave after 15 seconds of waiting.
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Are They Making You Wait a Little Too Long?
Photo: via gomerblog.com
Do you get the feeling they put you on hold and see just how long they can get you to wait?They ask you to hold for a "couple minutes" while they talk to their supervisor about a question they're incapable of answering. They come back 35 minutes later without an answer and an "I'm not sure, sir." What the fuck were you doing!?
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Are They Laughing at You in Secret?
Photo: via aviewtoathrill.com
Do you get the impression that your question is not being taken seriously? Are they a little out of breath? Does it seem like they might just be putting you on hold to laugh?
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Is It Not So Secretive?
Photo: via Good Reads
I've actually had someone laugh on the phone. Maybe they were just high. I would be, if I had to work for the cable company.
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Do They Fail to Empathize With Your Having a Life?
Photo: via Pinterest
In a perfect world, they'd understand we can't wait around our entire lives for them. An appointment designates a time window, one which is no longer an appointment once said window is closed.
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Do They Not Understand Plain English?
Photo: via inwritefield.com
You can try explaining the same story five different ways to 10 different people, but you're more likely lose your voice than be understood.
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Are They Monopolizing Your Life?
Photo: via Pinterest
I once threatened to switch companies, and the guy told me (no joke), "Good luck." They know you're right, but they also know they can be wrong and still bend you over if there's no competition.
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Are They Jerking You Off for Pure Pleasure?
Whenever they put me on hold while I'm in the middle of a rage bender explaining myself, I picture them sitting back and jerking each other off while I have heart palpitations that register about 3.5 on the Richter.
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Do They Make You Fee Like Their Little Bitch?
Photo: via Reddit
No matter how convincing your argument or how sensible your requests, the conversation will always, always, always end with you grabbing your ankles and settling for less. You'll feel like a child under your parents' roof with no power. Hopefully they didn't make you grab your ankles, though.
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Is Their Timing the Opposite of Perfect?
Photo: via makeameme.com
Pick a worse time, we dare you. Oh wait, not possible. You don't show up when I need you to, and when I'm in the worst position ever (usually a towel) you show up and put unnecessary holes in my new walls. Goodbye, security deposit, we hardly knew each other.
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Are They Your Least Favorite People in the World?
Photo: via imgflip.com
When it comes to sharing an ice cream cone with your greatest enemy or the cable company, you choose your worst enemy. Plot twist: The cable company is your worst enemy! They got you again, bitch!
