Photo: KatarzynaBialasiewicz (Getty)
Not since a string of cold showers have we seen so many boner killers in our lives. Wait, let us try that again. Not since Fred Durst have we seen more unwanted limp biscuit! Eh, probably had it the first time. Boner killers, people, that’s what we’re talking about, and there’s a long line of them that can get you (and your limp biscuit) down if you’re not careful.
When it comes to evenings in boudoir, sex on the beach, or All You Can Eat Night at your local brothel, it’s good to keep in mind that which causes erectile dysfunction. And since we’re not 22 anymore (most of us), we have to watch what we eat, what we drink, and even watch what we sniff (that’s right, lady tears). We all know the struggle of having too much to drink or not enough water, but what about the surprising, unexpected boner killers that take the buzz out of your sex life?
It’s a good damn thing we’re here to set you straight, as we roll out the red (rocket) carpet for you and your ween to have the potential life-changing role for Best in Show as we help you avoid actual, physical boner killers. Now, we’re going to go work on that Fred Durst joke while you learn a thing or two about your dick.
These Literal Boner Killers Can Get You Down If You’re Not Careful
Now get to read more on boners: A Sexually Beneficial Education On Erections
Literal Boner Killers
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"Lady Tears"
Have you heard of this lady-crying scientific study where men who sniffed women's tears were less inclined to sleep with them? It's amazing if Claire Danes is able to get laid after all those tears on Homeland. Science! (We love ya, Claire)
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"Pizza & Processed Carbs"
Photo: via Reddit
If it's a 'give me pizza or give me sex' world, then I'm afraid most of us would be living like nuns in a distant convent. Processed carbs like white bread and white rice, especially when not actively used, are bad for the bone. If you're going to eat pizza, there better be something besides cheese on that, because you're about to read about dairy, too.
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"Too Much Activity and Too Much Inactivity"
Sloth-like slobs are obviously susceptible to poor sex lives, but surprisingly we found out that people who over-exercise are subject to a little difficulty in the dick department. If you work off enough testosterone and are lacking in fluids, yeah, it can be tough to get turnt up.
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"Microwavable Popcorn"
Photo: via greatamericanfoodfight.com
The age-old dick in the popcorn box is strangely ironic, and just strange. Like any processed food, mixed with butter, salt and other boner killers, popcorn out of the bag and popped in the semen-suffocating microwave is going to make it hard to pop.
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"Dairy & Soy"
Photo: via memesuper.com
Dairy makes most people tired, bloated and/or diarrheic. So, more often than not, people switch to soy, only to find out that too much of a good thing can get you down, too. Maybe quit eating cereal before you hop in the sack. Where do you think the term cereal killer came from? Man, that's a lame joke.
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"Receipts"
Photo: via rodalewellness.com
Best you stick that receipt in the bag or your back pocket, because, apparently like a cell phone, thermal ink in the front pocket has been suspect when it comes to the ruin of erections. It contains bisphenol-A, a chemical that increases the production of estrogen. So that's why women like shopping so much!
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"Plastic, Canned & Artificially Flavored"
Photo: via mnn.com
if it's wrapped in plastic, it's ruining your life and the life of this planet. That goes double if you're wrapping your wiener in plastic.
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"Mint"
Photo: via eatthis.com
Do Thin Mints count? Goddammit. This special little herb is surprisingly a testosterone killer, so be aware when you're giving your lady a sexy massage, straddling her lower back and thinking that peppermint oil is good foreplay. It ain't!
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"Processed, Fatty & Non-Grass-Fed Meat"
Photo: via Pinterest
Pork is bad for working, how about that? Bacon, turkey bacon, whatever kind of fatty, processed, non-grass-fed meats you're into come with a risk. The hormones injected, animal fat and cholesterol therein hurts your cardiovascular blood flow, ergo, disturbed blood flow to the you-know-where.
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"Whiskey (Dick)"
Photo: via sirmag.wordpress.com
This comes as no surprise, but we felt like warning you since you're probably a short amount of time from drinking in close proximity to a woman. Be smart and hydrate, but also don't drink like you're 22. Not only will you fail to get it up and keep it up, but you'll have to mop up the puke, too.
