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First dates are lies. But they are necessary lies, for without them there would be no relationships. Dating is just easing another person into the horror show of your personal habits. So if you are in a committed relationship, you’ve probably had to deal with some of these disgusting things by your partner. But we put up with it because the alternative means starting the lie all over again.
1.) The Morning Version of Yourself
No one looks good when they wake up. Personally, my face is usually puffy and the bags under my eyes look like infected assholes. Your breath smells like a grocery store lobster tank. The corners of your eyes have spend the time you were sleeping making boogers. I firmly believe humans were not meant to be seen in the mornings.
2.) Farting
Figuring out when to fart in front of someone is the trickiest part of any relationship. Harder even than figuring out when to say, “I love you.” Maybe you got lucky in your relationship and a fart accidentally fell out and you both laughed. Outside of that scenario, it takes months of leaving farts in the hallway, bathroom, basically any room the other person isn’t in. Once you get past this hurdle, you might as well get married.
3.) Crapping with the Door Open
The door, like the toilet seat, has hinges. USE THEM! Aside from seeing your relationship partner curled over and grunting, they are letting the stink out. Technology like windows, fart fans, matches and air freshners were invented when someone in a relationship saw their beloved pooping. But pooping with the door open is nothing compared to the next item on our list.
4.) Pooping While You’re in the Shower
Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If they flush while you’re in the shower, you’ll have to deal with the shower temperature going from scalding hot, to freezing cold. It’s enough to ruin a good shower. But on the other hand, if they don’t flush you’ll be greeted with a turd soup when you exit. Normally, I’m all for “shower buddies” in a relationship, but this is taking it too far. And regardless you have to deal with the smell. I submit that if someone poops while you’re taking a shower, you have to start the shower over.
5.) Popping Stuff
Listen, if your relationship is strong enough to survive all these other things, it’s probably strong enough that your significant other will pop a zit on your back… or butt. Sure it’s gross, but I’ll be damned if it’s not worth it. Back zits usually put on a pretty good show when they explode.
6.) Kid Stuff
Are kids in the mix? Well you’ve probably been covered in poop, pee and vomit. It comes with the territory. My parents told me stories about the time my dad picked me up while I wasn’t wearing a diaper and I promptly pee’d on him. We laugh about it now that my kids have forced me to do similar things. Like just recently I had to fish a turd out of the bathtub… but hey, at least they didn’t do it while I was in the shower. That’s unforgivable.
7.) In Sickness and In Health
Dealing with a sick partner is gross, but it’s part of the gig. Sometimes you have to be there to hold their hair or offer a towel after they puked in the toilet, other times you have to try to sleep through the sounds of explosive diarrhea. But through all this disgustingness, we get to be with someone who loves us for us. So I guess it’s a wash. Which is what I need after thinking about all this stuff.
