Rear View Of Man With Ponytail. Photo: Carlo Speranza / EyeEm (Getty).
With everything going on in the world, I know the one thing that’s constantly on your mind: should you grow a ponytail? It’s a lot to deal with, and with media constantly telling you what you’re allowed to do with your body, it can be difficult to come to a concrete decision. You’ve probably been going back and forth on it in the most dramatic “will they or won’t they” fashion since Ross and Rachel. Let me make your decision a little easier; you absolutely should grow a ponytail. There’s literally no reason whatsoever that you shouldn’t do it. Here are 14 proven benefits to letting that illustrious manmane flow down your neck.
So there you have it. If you’re not convinced by now…actually, welcome to the club.
What are you so worried about your appearance for anyways? Didn’t you hear the good news? Guess What, Guys? Women Actually Find Bald Dudes And Dad Bod Super Hot!
14 Reasons To Grow A Ponytail
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You Instantly Look Like You Know Karate When You Wear A Robe
If you're a fan of wearing robes in public, then you should definitely commit to the ponytail. No one has ever won a fight against a guy in a robe with a ponytail, so no one will ever try and fight you in a mall food court.
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It's Like An Extra Limb During A Battle
If there's one thing I learned from various cartoons and Vega on Street Fighter 2, it's that a ponytail, when whipped with enough velocity, can be used as a deadly weapon. It's basically like having a third punching fist.
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A Lot Of Highlanders Had Them
Remember the movie Highlander? That guy had a ponytail and he was one of the greatest warriors the world has ever known. You'd certainly be in good company and could maybe be in a Highlander movie if they ever reboot the franchise.
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You Kinda Look Like A Kite When You Run
Maybe you're the type of person that always looks up at the sky and thinks, "Why can't that kite be me?" Well, a ponytail can sort of make that dream come true. That very specific and bizarre dream could become a reality!
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OK, Honestly, This Is Way More Difficult Than I Expected
I didn't really think it would be that hard to come up with 14 reasons, but I'm already talking about pretending to be a kite. Let me just step away for a minute and see if I can come up with anything else.
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Oh! I Think The Guy From Hall & Oates Had A Ponytail!
Remember them? They sang such hits as "Rich Girl" and "Maneater." I'm not certain, but I think Daryl Hall had a ponytail. That's good company to be in, right? He seems cool.
They also sang one of the best Christmas songs ever: The 30 Best Christmas Songs In History Definitively Ranked
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I Just Googled 'Darly Hall' And He Actually Did NOT Have A Ponytail
Yeah, just disregard that last one. Turns out he just has hair that's kind of long in the back. Buy hey, maybe at some point in his life he had a ponytail. Pretty cool, right??
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Are We Close To 14 Yet? Oh God, We're Only At 8?? This Was A Bad Idea
I honestly did not think it would be this difficult to justify a ponytail. I guess I could talk about how it would make your Under Siege-themed Halloween costume a little easier? I don't know.
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We Talked About The Karate Thing Already, Right?
Did I mention how you look like you know karate when you wear a robe? Oh man, I am running out of points quickly. Can we talk about something else? Did you see Moonlight?
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I Really Enjoyed 'Moonlight'
It's a beautiful movie that's shot incredibly well with some fantastic performances. If you haven't seen it yet, you should definitely watch it in theaters, if possible.
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Oh! You Sort Of Look Like A Centaur With A Ponytail. Is That Cool?
Sure, you're not technically a centaur, but why would you want half of your body to be a horse? A ponytail takes all the good parts of being a centaur without looking like a circus freak. How cool!
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Hats Become Slightly Less Easy To Wear?
Hey, maybe...OK, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Why would hats being more difficult be a perk? This is falling apart very quickly. Maybe I can tie in some nostalgic elements to it? How about this...
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Ginuwine Had That Song Called 'Pony.' Maybe That's Something?
My saddle! Jump on it! Haha. I'm gonna be honest, this one has completely gotten away from me. I can usually figure out something to pull it together, but justifying a ponytail is way harder than I imagined.
If you're looking for questions with no solid answers, look no further: Does Anyone Know What Ricky Gervais’ Religious Beliefs Are?
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Jesus Probably Could Have Pulled His Hair Back Into A Ponytail?
I'm done. Grow a stupid ponytail if you want. Or just cut your hair. I honestly don't care. Ask the lady at Great Clips and leave me alone. This isn't even fun anymore.
