Photo: kmatija (Getty).
Being a piece of shit has its perks. But did you know that you can be a piece of shit (and an a-hole of course) and benefit from it? It’s true. The following proven psychological mind tricks will make you the king of manipulation. Whether it’s getting ahead in business (or at least not having to deal with all the extra B.S. that comes along with it) or finding the best ways to win an argument, there are prick-ish (yet slick-ish) ways to do so without the other person even realizing that you’re doing them. And by the time they do, its already too late.
So go out there, you a-hole. Go right ahead and psyche the world out. Just make sure you don’t tell anyone who sent you.
Technically, this could also be considered a psychological tactic. The a-hole part is at least accurate: A-Hole Starbucks Customer Yells ‘I Voted For Trump’ All While Claiming Anti-White Discrimination
Psychological Mind Tricks For A-Holes
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1. If you want a girl to associate excitement with you, take her out for a scary movie and some coffee.
The increased heart rate and blood flow will naturally make her think you're exhilarating. When she tells you, "You make my heart beat faster," tell her, "No, woman, that's just the coffee and Paranormal Activity."
Photo: Flashpop (Getty).
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2. If you have to lie, include an embarrassing detail.
People will think you're telling the truth. For example, if you're late to work and your boss verbally harangues you, take him to the side and say, "I had an ‘accident’ in my pants on the way and had to get a new pair at home." He'll be disgusted with you, but he'll believe you.
Photo: TadejZupancic (Getty).
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3. Nod when you want someone to say yes.
There is a greater likelihood they'll answer a yes or no question in the affirmative. "Do you want go to Chipotle for lunch?" you ask a coworker, nodding. They will have no choice but to nod back and get delicious burritos with you.
Photo: Thomas Barwick (Getty).
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4. To win a political argument, stay calm.
You will invariably get into heated discussions this Christmas with your relatives. If your goal is to piss them off because their political viewpoints are loathsome, stay calm. Gently offer your well-conceived points in a quiet, factual manner. As they burn inside with rage, silently pat yourself on the back because the one who flips his shit is the loser. Be the winner.
Photo: EricVega
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5. People subconsciously become what you tell them they are.
At least, in your personal relationship. If you're dating a girl, tell her that she's a bad girl. If you're dating a guy, tell him he's a giver. Both will become better in the sack.
Photo: Peter Dazeley (Getty).
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6. Women, if you're receiving the unwanted attention of a creepster douche, ask him what the best laxative is on the market.
When he asks why, tell him you're constipated. He will lose interest in you immediately and pester someone else. This is called the Gray Rock Method.
Photo: Peter Dazeley (Getty).
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7. To win Rock Paper Scissors every time, give a quick demonstration of the rules of the game beforehand.
"You go rock, then, paper, then scissors." Lay down a paper. Your opponent will assume you're interested in paper and try to give you a scissoring. Get your rock ready.
Photo: bulentozber (Getty).
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8. Use the Benjamin Franklin Effect if you want some free shit and a person's respect and admiration at the same time.
"The art of asking is the art of cultivating community," as they say. It's almost a scientific maxim that asking someone to do a small favor for you will make them like you more. It tricks them into thinking you're worthy of their deeds, when in reality, you're just an asshole.
Photo: Donald Nausbaum (Getty).
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9. As Socrates once said, ‘A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on.’
Girls like to cry when they get drunk. When at parties, remember what Socrates said.
Photo: scotto72 (Getty).
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10. Is that asshole coworker coming to your desk too much to talk?
The next time he does it, get up and walk him back to his desk while continuing the conversation. When you get to his desk, he will sit down. You will then say bye and he will wonder why the hell he is sitting at his desk and not bothering people.
Photo: Radius Images (Getty).
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11. According to Pavlov, people are just one degree above dogs in terms of susceptibility to conditioning.
Speaking of dogs, there are numerous ways to use Pavlov's Law on your wife or girlfriend. For example, gently spritz your legs when you know you're about to receive oral sex. On future dates, apply the same cologne. She will most certainly associate that smell with the inevitable BJ-giving. SCIENCE.
Pro Tip: Don't use Axe or she'll associate douchebaggery with you.
Photo: Tim Kitchen (Getty).
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12. If you're about to get into a fight and you don't want to get into a fight, take this advice from Vans Marketing Specialist Gavin McInnes.
He has some very helpful tips. The most useful of which is Tip 5: Count to three before the fight. Right before you get to 2, take off running.
Photo: YouTube
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13. Having trouble convincing your dear children to do chores? Never underestimate the illusion of choice.
Instead of saying, "Do your chores you little shit," say, "Would you rather mow the lawn or scoop the litter box?" Your lawn will be freshly mowed because no one wants to clean the litter box.
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14. Foot in the Door Technique: If you want something, request something much more valuable.
For example, if you need to borrow 20 dollars, ask for 50. The person will tell you to go screw if you ask for 50 dollars, but 20 is more reasonable. Use that 20 dollars to purchase a bottle of alcohol—and before you know it, you're drinking for free.
Photo: Nick Dolding (Getty).
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15. Never underestimate the law of reciprocation.
If you want something from someone, give them something. Personal debts, as innocuous as they are, make the world go round. Look at the government. The next time you know you'll need someone's help in the future (moving, airport pickup, etc.), take them out for Chipotle.
Chipotle also makes the world go round.
Photo: David Crespo (Getty).
