Photo: iprogressman (Getty)
They say the pants make the man, but they also say a lot about the geography of man, too. We can tell where you are based on the pants you wear alone. Whether it’s white stitching, jorts or rhinestones, we know where you are. It’s not meant to be creepy; it’s just science.
And you can trust us, because we’ve already told you what your favorite cereal says about you, as well as what your favorite pizza topping says about you. And we’d like to think that our assessments were completely accurate and on point. We’re never wrong, folks! So go right ahead and see where your pants say you’re from.
If the Pants Fit: We Can Tell Where You Are Based on Your Pants Alone
So there you have it — now you know that your pants are more than a fashion statement, they are pretty much telling everyone where you reside. I bet you never noticed that. Well, now you do, and it’s all thanks to us. See? We are doing good things.
And now there’s really only one way to wrap this up:
Now read up: What Your Favorite TV Show Says About Your Sex Life
Pants
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California
Yoga Pants & Board Shorts
It’s rarely too cold or too hot, so Californians are more interested in how tight and fancy their pants can be. Whether you’re up north in San Francisco, hanging in Hollywood or down in San Diego, skinny jeans and surfer board shorts are the likely suspect for your bottom half. Most people are too busy trying to decide where to put holes in their pants or cutting off their belt loops.
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Carolinas
Capris
The Carolinas, especially South Carolina and its surrounding southern colonies, seem to motivate people to move the bottom portion of their pants. While capris are practically outlawed in most of the country, they have found a home along the white sands of the Carolinas.
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Dakotas
Gore-Tex Snow Pants & Flannel-Lined Jeans
Snow pants are a hallmark of any winter wardrobe, but if you’re in the Dakotas, your life is as full of boredom and your pants should be Gore-Tex. Some people wear them for snowboarding, but in the Dakotas, it’s probably more for survival. Style is not an option, only survival. The only possible stylish jeans come lined with flannel on the 80 or so sunny days they have each year.
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Hawaii
None, Anything With Flowers
Pants simply do not exist here. People are far too busy enjoying their lives to worry about pants. Flowery shorts are the go-to attire, sometimes in the form of a full-body flower attire (a lei if you're a total tourist). Perhaps you're wearing nothing at all (“nothing at all” repeated endlessly in stupid, sexy Flanders voice).
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Northeast (NY, MA, ME)
Gucci ($$$) & Overalls ($)
The northeast is cold; there’s no doubt about that. But the region is divided into two classes, an urban area of New York City and Boston that tends to be more stylish than its more rural, seafood-heavy areas and their fisherman pants.
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Pacific Northwest (OR, WA, AK)
Long Johns
The PNW isn’t too dissimilar from the Dakotas, except less intense weather and more inclination for style. Thermal wear is common practice for campers below their regular pants. Plus, girls will go with any excuse to wear a good onesie, whether it’s their long johns or a bunny suit.
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Southeast (FL, AL, GA)
Pastel color and plaid slacks
Where America goes to retire, or at the very least go on vacation, the southeast states (mainly Florida) is the home of pastel pants. The older and weirder people get as they enter dementia, the less they seem to care and more comfortable they feel in random pastels. Canary yellow, flamingo pink and patriotic blue are just a few colors you may see on a retiree.
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Southern Belt (TX, OK)
Rhinestones
Make no mistake: Rhinestones and white stitching are the trademark ingredients to a pair of Texan pants. No matter where you go (church, book club, motorcycle rally), you’re going to come across from white-stitched jeans with rhinestones lining the ass. That, and there's usually some kind of Celtic cross, butterfly or skateboard logo stitches in white in amongst the many, many rhinestones.
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Southwest (AZ, NM)
Turquoise Anything
Turquoise is the rhinestone of the Southwest. In fact, the two are commonly mixed together, as the Southwest is most noteworthy for anything jeans so long as there's a giant belt buckle with some turquoise on it. The amazing thing about people in the Southwest is their ability to put turquoise on any and all things.
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Midwest (IL, MO, NE)
Wranglers & Camo
The Midwestern region of America is the no frills, hand-me-down grounds that, outside of Chicago, is a very second-hand area. While mothers hand their mom jeans down to their daughters, fathers hand down their wranglers, somehow kids get their hands on JNCO jeans and others ‘90s nostalgia. These are all most likely to pop up in any of the Midwestern states where gas stations run rampant with clothing sections for people who feel like shopping between bathroom breaks, much like with camo-pants for hunting and generally looking badass.
