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Sometimes — well, most of the time — an unprovoked boner can pop up at very inopportune times in very public settings. Whether your excited johnson decides to suddenly present itself at a wedding, at work, or hell, even at a funeral, these boners make their presence profoundly known without much regard for our current circumstance.
As such, a man has to get crafty real quick. That’s why I’ve offered the 10 techniques for hiding your inappropriate boner below, which incorporates every conceivable method from the classics, to more innovative options for the most desperate of times.
Before I get straight to it though, I should add here that most of these techniques may be more difficult to employ when wearing track pants, basketball shorts, or some other similar form of thin-material, slack-offering, lower body garment.
Most of these techniques are effective when outfitted in jeans, cargo shorts, or dress pants. You know, something structural and somewhat stiff, because you’re going to have to rely at least somewhat on your attire for these techniques to be 100 percent effective.
Crisis Averted: 10 Ways To Get Rid Of Your Inappropriate Boner
So now that you’ve gone through all those tips, keep them in the back of your mind and be sure to think quick and take care of your situation if it…um…arises at the worst possible moment. And when you do, you can always thank us, as usual.
And hey, here are some facts for you: The Average American Dude Apparently Gets 11 Boners A Day
How To Hide A...
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1. Tuck that baby into your waistband
Let’s start with the most utilized technique. This is the technique employed by discreetly reaching into your pocket, grabbing onto your schlong, and twisting it up toward your belly button so that your waistband keeps it pressed against your abdomen.
The only problem here is that it can easily slip out, meaning your waistband doesn’t have a strong enough elasticity to keep your raging boner contained within its Fruit Of The Loom borders. A belt most definitely helps in these situations.
Photo: Nick Veasey (Getty)
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2. Reach into your pocket
This one is especially effective when you’re walking or trying to keep up with somebody who’s mobile. To do so, just reach into your pocket, grab your johnson, and press it against your leg until the boner subsides. If people grow suspicious of the hand in your pocket for an extended period of time, discreetly switch hands, or insist that you’re looking for your phone or fishing for keys.
Photo: Visage (Getty)
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3. Jam it up against an object
Commonly utilized by pubescent boys in middle school, a good way to hide your boner in a school-type setting is to use something inconspicuous -- like a textbook, hardcover preferred -- to hide your johnson by using said object to press down against your wiener (bonus: it feels great). Backpacks work too, but only if you’re sitting.
Photo: Sam Edwards (Getty)
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4. Lean dramatically
When I used to work in a commercial kitchen, I did this a lot. When the inappropriate boner presented itself, I would immediately lean against the sandwich counter at a near 90-degree angle to hide the tent I’d pitched in my pants. And you know what? Despite being a strange and sudden adjustment, it worked. Not a lot of work was done during that time, but hey, nobody knew I had an erection!
Photo: Henrik Sorensen (Getty)
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5. “Look over there!”
Divert any present company away from yourself by any means necessary. If female, mention you just witnessed Kate Beckinsale casually passing by and keep her diverted by continuing to provide oddly specific characteristics so that she keeps searching. If it’s a guy, tell him more of the same, but add that she’s topless.
Photo: Guido Mieth (Getty)
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6. Sit the fuck down!
Boners are MUCH easier to hide when you’re sitting down. So if a boner does pop up at an inopportune time, find a reason to take a seat. Say you have a headache, your feet hurt, whatever it takes. Hell, fake an injury if you have to.
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7. Tuck it into a stiff pant leg
If your waistband proves ineffective, you can always try tucking your boner into a pant leg, but this one can get painful. Only appropriate in a slimmer-style jean, you’ve got to twist your boner into the most accessible pant leg and let that baby press against your leg until she goes away.
Photo: Inoussa Jean-Rudes / EyeEm (Getty)
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8. Purchase some fitted, structured underwear
If you spend good money on underwear (which are not sold in a Wal-Mart or Target) it’s as if the material provides boner protection. Seriously. Instead of relying on your pants to do all the work, a good pair of expensive underwear does it for you, offering twice the protection and discretion.
Photo: Peter Dazeley (Getty)
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9. Go to the bathroom and “take care of it”
Why let that boner go to waste? Hell, if you’ve got a raging boner, head to the closest restroom insisting you have to take a leak, bring up some bookmarked porn you undoubtedly have stored on your smartphone and have yourself a ball. Clean yourself up using the toilet paper available and boom, you’re all set!
Photo: Peter Cade (Getty)
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10. Hide it inside your significant other
It is one of your favorite places to visit, after all.
Photo: B2M Productions (Getty)
