Photo: Thinkstock (Getty)
It’s not easy being a guy when it comes to going out to a bar. People are throwing themselves at you, pinching your butt on your way to the bathroom, hurling you drinks, interrupting your good rare minutes with friends with lame pick-up lines; the madness never ends. Oh wait, that’s girls. For guys, it’s usually chug, slam, thank you ma’am, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
The perks of a straight man walking into a gay bar are astronomically higher in terms of how you’ll be treated and what the likely outcome will be. This may sound comical, but we promise you the gay bars can be the best places for straight guys to drink, and we’ll show you why. Now act responsibly, adults.
It’s probably the best bar you’ve been to lately.
What the hell happened to good bars? Unless it’s a speakeasy, most are either gross sports bars or lightless lounges with a loud-ass DJ drowning your good time. Gay bars, albeit all different shapes and sizes, cater more to what makes bars good for guys (i.e. good masonry work, a pool table and a jukebox). That’s a three-run homer, a grand slam if you’re into penis collages on the bathroom ceiling. Personally, I’ve only been to a couple (we miss you, Venice Rooster Fish), but I feel like a king, welcomed and respected from the get-go.
It’s maybe the cleanest bar to drink in.
We here at Mandatory do not subscribe to stereotypes, but we do like the one about gay people being ultra clean (we don’t say “uber clean” because our last Uber was puked in). Enough with the peanut shells and smells of burnt plastic and urine-stained walls. We appreciate a place where we can take a leak and not feel like we’re getting the clap. Could use a door on the stall, though, just in case any gay bar owners are patrolling here.
Cut loose and relax for a change.
The moment you walk into a gay bar as a straight man, you’re immediately resigned to the idea that you’re not going to meet the girl of your dreams there, let alone any women, quickly allowing you to relax and enjoy yourself. When’s the last time you went out, completely removed from expectations, and just cut up a damn rug on the dance floor? When there’s no need to worry about what others around you think, suddenly you’re allowed to be yourself: a thirsty, disgusting blob of regret who likes to slouch and can barely tie his own shoes. Hell yes. Bust a move, big man.
Focus on your drinking.
With relaxation comes clarity, and with clarity comes focus and determination. Aside from spending time enjoying your friends, this may be the perfect scenario to work on that incredibly low tolerance of yours. You know the one, that painfully adolescent inability to hold and survive your liquor without painful repercussions. Calmly enjoy a number of heavy drinks, dilute with water and then most likely puke and rally anyway.
Photo: MGM
Try some of the drinks you never could.
The worst part about going out in public is watching others judge with those narrow eyes when they see you being yourself. Though I could give a damn at the sparkling age of 32, the same can’t be said for all. If you were hoping to try a fruity drink of the colorful variety but pass in order to save face and ridicule, this might be the time to set down the whiskey you can’t handle and order something tropical. There’s still time for you to find happiness.
It’s never been easier to get a drink.
For one thing, you don’t have to wait an eternity to get a drink while the flirty cleavage gets first prize. No matter how many large bills or clever attempts at garnering some attention, at a normal bar it seems “ladies first” is the golden rule. At the same sex bars, I’ve experienced the luxury of getting what I want with little wait. It’s the perfect time to show more chest hair than you’re normally comfortable with at church with your folks, you know, that one day a year when you fake it.
It’s nice to be appreciated for once.
When was the last time a total stranger came up and complimented your shoes (or even that hard-fought ability to tie them) completely unprovoked? As men, we tend to be overlooked when it comes to our sense of style, even if that style is a swanky hobo with disconnected beard lines. The idea of someone taking the time to compliment our elbow patches and ripped-at-the-crotch jeans is rather heartwarming, even if it is a ploy to get in our pants. It’s about time someone appreciated us for what’s on the inside, right? Maybe if we learned to Snapchat more, we’d be more socially accepted. Or maybe we should set down the phone and let some au naturale ass kissing take place.
If there are girls there, your odds are pretty golden.
The thing about gay bars is the girls there usually go to avoid being harassed. Well, lucky for them you’re just trying to fit in but are still fully capable of embarrassing yourself with some hetero-humor, should you ability to focus on your friends dwindle. What would a girl think of a straight guy using a gay bar as a cleverly-hatched scheme for catching them with their guard down? Not good, probably, but if you manage to not be a sleaze bag about it, your odds of meeting a nice gal are pretty high, relatively speaking.
The food is probably excellent.
Again, not to stereotype, but it seems like most gay bars tend to hold themselves to a higher standard. So if that means the tacos are grass-fed with a rainbow-colored array of organic produce, then count me in for a late night at the beefcake bar. While most sports bars are alright with given people deep-fried regret, there’s definitely a chance of getting some nourishing appeteasers while you sip on some nonfattening icy beverages.
Maybe you’ll get to give your number out for once.
Long are the years of scrounging on the last call bar floors for some poorly inscribed 10-digit trophies, but when was the last time, if ever, that you’ve been asked for your number that didn’t involve work or a stray dog search party? While the homosexual lifestyle may not be your cup of tea or copper-plated mug of vodka, it’d be nice to be asked. It’s not like you can’t make some plutonic relationships, business contacts or just switch teams for a moment. It’s like when the crazy girl at school asked you to prom, and while you were touched on the heart being inquired upon, your response was most likely, “No, no, no, no…but, thanks!” Don’t be so close-minded. If nothing else, hip-pocket that cocktail napkin and give it to somebody who could really use it.
Because it’s 2016.
All this to say…It really shouldn’t be a big deal for a straight guy to walk into a gay bar. I’ll try to choose my words wisely here, but in a time when technology thrives and diversity is meant to be united, there’s no good reason for segregation of our bar stools. In fact, you might find yourself very at home, wishing you had tried this sooner. We should all embrace one another under a cold alcoholic beverage, and, if nothing else, unite under our disdain for much more distressing things, like the Presidential candidates.
And after that, you can try the coolest speakeasy bars in America, and the best American whiskey bars.
