Growing up, I’ve always had a pet in the house. One hundred percent of the time, this pet was a dog. I mean, I had a bunny once when I was really, really young, but he’d viciously attack my parents whenever they tried interacting with him.
We eventually discovered his thirst for blood was too great for our household and as such, I received the “we took him to the farm” narrative parents elect to use when breaking this kind of news to their young child.
My point here is that dogs are the best pets anyone can ask for. My family has never had a problem with the many dogs we’ve owned growing up and as such, this affinity for pets has been passed down to me. I remain firm in the belief that dogs are the best pets in the world, especially when one tries to tell me cats are better.
Like, are you kidding me? My next door neighbor has cats; two of them, and they are the worst. They have half the personality of most dogs, shit in a sandbox in the living room and are as easy to cuddle as a cactus. They also favor the cold shoulder as a welcoming gesture whenever I enter the house. For these reasons and more, I cannot conceivably understand why people would ever choose cats over dogs. I just can’t.
But since my own biased experience isn’t enough of a motivator to make my point, I’ve consulted science to let you know without a shadow of a doubt that dogs are better than cats and therefore, dog people are better than cat people.
1. Cat People Are Wet Blankets
A study from Carroll University in Waukesha, Wisconsin, completely dedicated to discovering the differences between cat and dog people found that dog people tend to be more “lively” (read: energetic and outgoing) than cat people. This makes sense because dogs tend to be more energetic and outgoing than cats. We’re a party.
Cat people, on the other hand, were found to be introverted, sensitive and nonconformist. So basically, the kind of people who conversing with feels like a chore and take 20 minutes to order two beverages from Starbucks while polishing their nonprescription glasses.
2. WAY More People Like Dogs Than Cats
The same study, which surveyed over 600 college students, found that 60 percent identified as dog people, while a mere 11 percent were cat people. The remaining percentages couldn’t decide between the two.
So basically, six times the amount of people who like cats prefer dogs. And since we tend to favor majorities when consulting statistics, I’ll say this is yet another win for dog lovers.
3. Cat People Are ⅓ More Likely To Live Alone
Apparently, the “cat lady” archetype is based on actual, reported research. Results from Modern Dog magazine found that cat lovers were one-third more likely to live alone than dog owners, as well as twice as likely to live in an apartment. Studies found that cat lovers cite “affection” as their favorite trait in a cat, which I guess would make sense considering the statistics. Being married, living in a house and having children were all characteristics of people who prefer dogs. Not surprising then that single women were the most likely individual to own a cat.
4. Dog People Are More Compassionate
According to research published in Modern Dog magazine, when asked if they’d take a puppy as a gift (considering they had ample space in their home and no complaints from others) 68 percent of cat people said they wouldn’t accept a dog. Dog owners, on the other hand, were 70 percent likely to take in a cat (considering the amount of dog owners there are compared to cat owners, this statistic is a lot more compelling than the two percent shown). How could somebody turn down an innocent, living animal? Monsters, cat lovers, that’s who.
5. Cats Are Easier To Hate
I didn’t just make this up, people. According to an Associated Press/Petside.com poll, 15 percent of adults questioned said they disliked cats “a lot,” while the number of people who disliked dogs was only two percent. Boom! Roasted.
6. Dog People Have More Friends
Facebook researchers analyzed 160,000 American users and found that, on average, dog people had 26 more friends than cat people; probably because we’re more outgoing. This stat might seem petty, but I’m keeping it here anyway. So there.
7. Dogs Love Their Owners More
This boastful declaration is backed by science, people. So complain to the white coats if you must. Research performed by the BBC documentary “Cats v Dogs” proved that dogs love their owner five times more than than cats do. Because cats are assholes.
8. Dogs Have Jobs
Dogs can find drugs, bombs, criminals, you name it. They’re employed by the police and the government and also do charity work, serving as seeing eye dogs to the blind. Do cats do these things? No. No they do not.
9. Cat People Are More Likely To Be Atheists
So take that however you choose.
Seeing eye cats? I don’t think so.
Or we can all just agree to disagree.
