The idea of gender-neutral bathrooms has become a big issue to some people. They seem to be under the impression that someone is going to be transgendered just to come into their bathroom and watch them poop or possibly assault them. You know, because it was impossible for them to assault someone in their former bathroom. The thing is, there are much bigger problems than transgender restroom assignments. Here are 10 issues we should be worrying about first.
1. People who knock on the stall.
It’s startling enough when you’re sitting on that disgusting toilet and feel the earth-jarring shaking of someone pulling on the bathroom door. That nightmare will stick with you for decades. But the horror really gets kicked up a notch when the bathroom stall Jehovah’s Witness starts knocking on the stall door. What are they expecting you to say?
2. Whoever those people are who absolutely annihilate their stall.
I don’t know what it is about a public restroom stall that causes people to completely lose their minds/bowels, but it is a very real thing. It’s like they attempted to do a handstand on the toilet and when that didn’t work they decided to have a slap fight with every roll of toilet paper. It would be easier to just demolish it and start from scratch than to clean that abomination. God help you if you’re the one that left that sort of carnage behind.
3. People who look through that little space beside the door of the stall.
There’s a scene in “Halloween H:20” where a woman is in a public bathroom with her young daughter in the stall next to her. Suddenly, her purse is snatched up. She looks through the crack and sees Michael Myers looking back at her as he exits. Honestly, the fact that he was leaving made it way less awkward than all the weird guys I’ve encountered that just stand there staring at you like a squatted magic eye puzzle.
4. Guys who use the urinal next to you when there are other open spots.
I have a shy bladder, so the idea of someone standing behind me waiting to use my urinal doesn’t exactly speed things along. If you really want to make things worse, come up beside me and use the urinal directly next to me. It’s some next level psychological mind game. Is it some sort of dominance thing or were they just carelessly wandering up to a stall? Whatever it is, it shuts my urine flow down like a statewide drought. No liquid is flowing out of here until you move along, pal.
5. Guys who try to start a conversation at the urinal.
What piece of conversation could you possibly want to bring up that would be appropriate or enjoyable when we’re both holding our reproductive organs in our hands and letting urine flow out of them? I don’t want to even acknowledge you’re alive, let alone make direct eye contact. You’re the reason that people pee in stalls instead of the urinal. It’s all your fault.
6. Aim.
Can we talk about this for a second? What is happening here? I’m assuming when you’re at home you don’t pee all over the place like you were tagging your name on the wall in urine graffiti. So why is it that, as soon as you walk into a public restroom, you apparently put your hands on your head and swivel your hips like “Ravishing” Rick Rude while you’re peeing? It’s like a Slip ‘N Slide of human urine in there.
7. The sounds. Oh god the sounds.
I have never been in a public restroom stall where the person next to me didn’t sound like an Ogre trying to pass a kidney stone the size of a watermelon. My only goal is to walk out way before you or way after you, because if we walk out at the same time and have to walk to the sinks together and then wash our hands together, I am going to pray for death.
8. Whoever locks stalls and crawls out.
Instead of knocking on the door like some sort of lunatic, I stand at a good distance away and look under all the stalls to see which ones are empty. That saves a lot of time and embarrassment for both of us. But have you ever walked up to a stall that was clearly empty and pulled the handle, only to discover it’s locked on the inside? Can someone please explain to me how this monstrosity takes place? Who is this orc-like creature that decided it would be a fun prank to lock the door and then slide out underneath on a piss-soaked bathroom floor? Oh yeah, you really got us good, didn’t you piss slider? Just like Rickey Henderson stealing second, except instead of a baseball field, you’re in a sea of human piss. Good one!
9. Guys who spit gum in the urinal.
If you get caught spitting gum into the urinal you should legally have to pick it back up and chew it. Don’t make some poor bathroom attendant fish out your stick of Trident because you were too lazy to take four steps over to the trashcan, you big fat ghoul.
10. Doors you have to pull to exit.
So I wash my hands thoroughly, dry them off and now I have to grab onto the door handle to get out. The door handle that has been grabbed by every unwashed cretin that refused to wash his hands, mind you. I might as well have held their little crotches in my own hands while they peed and then jammed them into my date’s mouth, because that’s what’s going to happen when I go back out there and I accidentally touch my straw, then she takes a drink out of it. Is that what you monsters want? Well it needs to come to an end because you’re not putting your pee in either of our mouths! This is America! USA! USA! USA!
