When’s the last time you only spent five minutes inside a Target? It doesn’t happen. It never happens. Target pulls you in and holds onto you for as long as it possibly can. It’s like the “Hotel California.” But what does an average trip to Target really look like? This. This is exactly what happens every time you step foot into the store in 40 typical steps. God help us all.
1. I arrive at Target. The only things I need are a bottle of soda and trash bags.
2. A basket is too small, but a cart is too big and I definitely don’t want one of those stupid like half carts that look like an old man’s walker.
3. The carts are stuck. Let me fight around with these things like a psychopath trying to pry them apart.
4. Might as well look at the $1 section since it’s right here.
5. I could use an extra spatula, right? It’s only $1.
6. And I could always use a bag of water balloons, right?
7. And these disposable fondue skewers? In the cart, you go!
8. Wait, what am I doing? Why am I buying fondue skewers? Focus. Focus!
9. Trash bags. I need trash bags. They’re probably near the…hmm. Near the trash cans, I guess?
10. Wait, where are the trash cans?
11. I ask an employee where the trash cans are.
12. Whoops, that’s not an employee. It’s just a man wearing a red shirt.
13. Why are there never any employees around when you actually have a question?
14. Oh! Here are the trash cans. Wait, why am I buying a trash can?
15. Guess I might as well look at the TVs while I’m here.
16. That’s a great deal on a new TV. Should I get a new TV?
17. Now there’s a TV in my cart as well as a trash can.
18. Wow, there’s Halloween candy here that’s 95 percent off! Sure it was more than eight months ago, but I can’t pass that up those savings.
19. How did I get in the sporting goods section and why am I buying multiple fishing poles?
20. I need to leave now. I’ll just grab the sodas and go.
21. There are 850 different types of soda.
22. Whatever. I’m getting Sprite. Just a 2-liter of Sprite, a TV, a garbage can, two fishing poles, a futon, Halloween candy and these five fleece blankets.
23. How is there even more stuff in my cart now? Is it reproducing? Did I black out?
24. Finally made it to the checkout. Just pay and get out of here, Rob.
25. Both of the lines are even. I’ll go with the…one on the left!
26. Dammit, the line on the right is moving incredibly fast.
27. The person in front of me is paying with a check.
28. The other person in front of me is paying in unrolled coins.
29. Finally, it’s my turn!
30. No, I don’t want to sign up for a credit card. I never want to sign up for a credit card. I just have two items anyway!
31. Oh wait, I have 46 items.
32. Whatever. I’ll use all this stuff. I just need to get out of here.
33. I arrive back at home.
34. As I unload all the things I just bought, I go to throw away the boxes and trash.
35. Realize I forgot trash bags — one of the two things I went to get.
36. Just use the Target bags as trash bags.
37. From now on I’m only using Target.com and never leaving the house to shop again.
38. They have the trash bags I prefer.
39. They’re in-store pickup only.
40. Realize life is meaningless and nothing we do matters.
So that engine is making weird noises? A Typical Trip To The Mechanic
