Food is good, but drunk food is better. There’s something almost erotic about the incomparable combination of libations and grub that makes everything taste better.
There’s also the part of you that doesn’t give a sh*t what you put in your body because you’re drunk and could eat absolutely anything, so you opt for grease because grease cures hangovers — or at least that’s what you tell yourself.
This being the case, I put a call-out to drunken audiences through social media and other networking sites on what their favorite drunk foods are to determine which greasy grub reigns supreme.
What I would eventually discover is that 90 percent of the feedback came in the form of fast food. Indeed, when drunk, it would appear that nobody wants to prepare a meal when they get home. Instead, they want to tear open a paper bag and demolish all contents inside, sometimes even napkins.
So since nearly every submission I received was in the form of fast food, here were the responses we can all get behind:
“Burritos are ideal. Always.” – Madelin, 25
“Shamefully, I always go out of my way for drunken McNuggets and honey sauce!” – Kat, 28
“The answer is definitely shawarma!” – Alex, 23
“Junior Chicken from McD’s. I also tend to crave onion rings when I’m drunk.” – Savannah, 26
“Junior Chickens! Unless you are really drunk and order a McChicken instead and have to pay triple what you were expecting.” – Tori, 21
“Nachos! Crunchy, salty, sweet, spicy and it goes great with booze!” – Charlene, 30
“Pizza. Because it’s pizza. Realistically, that’s why I get drunk 90% of the time.” – Doug, 26
“Street meat for the win!” – Stacey, 26
“Shawarma or A&W. Or both.” – Mike, 25
“McDonald’s double cheeseburger dressed like a Mac. Because I can.” – Erica, 24
“Pizza and garlic sauce. Every time. Extra cheese if possible.” – Rochelle, 26
“Chicken and rice! Because it’s just the best.” – Samantha, 25
“7/11 cream cheese taquitos.” – Raymi, 29
“Chicken nuggets. Because of Frank’s Spicy Thai dipping sauce.” – Meg, 29
Based on the responses I received (and there were many), I studied the top food selections from my survey and provided a checklist of characteristics people seek in drunk food (because, journalism).
Drunk food:
1. Needs to be savory (no responses even mentioned dessert items)
2. Needs to be prepared for you (whether it’s takeout, or purchased in a drive-thru)
3. Must be greasy
4. Should be something you regret eating the next morning (a.k.a: not good for you)
5. Must come with some sort of cream sauce (mayo, garlic, sour cream, ranch, etc.)
Now we’ve reached the conclusion of the piece: Which drunk food is best?
Interestingly enough, there was a three-way tie for first. These items were: pizza with garlic sauce, burritos and McChickens. Shawarmas came close, so we’ll give the meaty and pickled delicacy an honorable mention. Kudos, shawarma.
But now it’s time to breakdown the favorites. Based on the “likes” received on each item mentioned, I unfortunately had to eliminate pizza with garlic sauce (my personal favorite) from the bunch, as none of these responses were accompanied by likes from other Facebook users.
McChickens, I would find, were solely chosen by females, which makes this drunk food less universal between the genders and, as such, I have to eliminate the messy chicken sandwich from the top spot because guys’ opinions matter!
So by process of elimination, the ultimate drunk food is burritos. Congratulations, you warm pillows filled to capacity with meats, vegetables and an excess amount of various sauces, you have won this most important competition between the best drunk foods on the market.
So folks, next time you go out on a drunken adventure, finish your night off with a burrito, as it is, without a doubt, the best drunk food out there. Or so says this bogus survey from a dude you don’t really know.
