It’s been awhile since I’ve given unsolicited advice, and now I’m about to give you some hard truths. Between the PTSD (Post-Tinder Stress Disorder) and the constant nightmares, I’ve managed to wrangle some decent advice for myself, and now I’d like to better your reality by sharing a few Tinder survivor stories. For your children, and your children’s children, I hope these hard life lessons of a Tinder survivor find you before it’s too late, lest your life will end in an aggressively hilarious Tinder battle.
1. You can’t juggle as well as you think, clown.
One of the biggest mistakes of any serial dater is thinking they can compartmentalize the back stories and shared stories of each person they go out with. Sure, it might be easy at first, but the further down multiple rabbit holes you go, you start to realize you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about. Between forgetting what one girl does for a living and telling another the same story for the fifth time thinking it’s original, you start to lose your charm.
Keep it simple, and by simple we mean funnel all your resources into a single person who will get undivided attention. Don’t you just hate it when people ask for your “undivided attention”?
2. Even the sweetest are a little sour.
No one in that kind of place is all goody two-shoes, no matter how convincing they may seem. At least one of those shoes is made for stomping out hearts, metaphorically I hope. You wouldn’t meet Miss Perfect at a monster truck rally, would you? No, no. That girl has a screw loose somewhere. Check your environment and ask yourself, “Would my mom want to know I met my girlfriend here?” Your mom would probably have a coronary if she knew where you were pulling these girls out of the Tinder trash. Go to church and meet a nice girl.
3. You shouldn’t have to convince somebody of your worth.
What kind of car do I drive? A four-wheeler, hunny. What kind of car do YOU drive? There should be no person or thing that makes you feel unworthy, if you like who you are. Don’t go changing to appease someone you might not remember the name of in a month. Keep doing you the best way you can and eventually somebody will take notice. We don’t need more of the same down-the-middle schmohawks out there driving BMW four-wheelers because someone told them to.
4. We see right through you. Everyone does.
“As a vegan, I just think…” usually prefaces something unrelated to dietary restrictions. People love to slip in awesome facts about themselves nonchalantly, thinking we won’t notice. Well, you’re wrong. It’s the only thing we noticed during that whole diarrhea-of-the-mouth moment you just had, wasting our lives. I just met you, so how could I possibly care if you’re vegan. People think saying that shit makes them sound better, when actually it makes them sound worse. Sue telling you she’s vegan tells you something very different about Sue than the fact she’s vegan.
5. Don’t trust someone you just met so much.
Oh wow, we both like live music, hate rap, smoke weed and love to have sex naked! How crazy is this? It might blow your mind, but of the some odd billion people on this planet, there’s a good chance you’re going to find someone cute who likes and dislikes a lot of the same surface-level topics. Doesn’t mean it’s love, bro. Give it two months and see just how well it’s working then, but don’t pressure her for anal just yet or you’ll never know for sure.
6. Everybody is capable of anything.
Again with the trust, don’t put so much faith in someone you just met. Why? I’ll tell you why: Anybody who walks into Tinder has either experienced serious heartbreak and therefore trusts no one (including you) or they’re completely unlovable and have gone to the most casual place for breaking hearts. You may think they’re incapable of breaking your heart, burning down your home or burying your cat alive, but you might be wrong. Even the ones you’d bet the house are winners have a trigger, and it usually has something to do with commitment issues.
7. If it hasn’t happened in a couple weeks, it’s not going to.
In the simplest way I know how, I’ll say that if you’re still convincing someone to go out with you weeks later, it’s not happening (this, again, also applies to anal). The “I wore your mother down incessantly until she caved” old-fashioned days are gone. Now, that’s just considered sexual harassment and Instagram stalking. You’re a keeper, kiddo, and if you have to convince someone of that, they’re not worth it. And if you do convince them, think of how awkward it’ll be when you do go out and rehash about how much you had to verbally molest them to go out in the first place.
8. You can only show so much interest before looking desperate.
Never text more than twice at a time and keep it short. Let me be clear: Quit trying so hard. Better yet, quit talking so much. Keep it brief and to the point (something I clearly struggle with in this long, excessive entry). Leave a little room for mystery and curiosity. If you text too much, ask them out too often or throw rocks at their window every night, that doesn’t give them much chance to miss you or wonder where you’ve gone (or who you’re boning). Space makes a world of difference.
9. Your puppy photos aren’t fooling anybody.
Guilty. Your dog may be your best friend, but that doesn’t mean you should lure in a strumpet with a weakness for dog bait by using a myriad of canine companion moments. There’s an excellent reason for this: She’ll obviously love the dog, and you’ll always come in second. Get a cat and let it claw out her eyes before she can break both your hearts.
10. Sometimes you’re better off going it alone.
Some things just aren’t for everyone, no matter how much we want them to be. It’s just not natural: forced moves that were never in the cards. And we all know what eventually happens to a house of cards once you’ve built it high with no reasonable foundation other than getting laid on the reg. Speaking of which, who the hell wants someone next to them when they’re watching “House of Cards“? Leave me the hell alone!
Good luck…
