Living with another human being is somehow both the best and worst thing in the world. It’s nice to have someone around when you’re feeling lonely, but the moment you need to be by yourself, you can’t seem to escape them. It’s a delicate balance. Unfortunately some people have made it their mission to be the worst housemate this world has ever seen. Are you considering trying it out for yourself? Before you do, check out this handy guide that will teach you exactly how to become the worst roommate of all time.
1. Laundry
We all miss a week of laundry here and there, but not you. You haven’t done laundry since 2009 and there’s a trail of dirty clothes from the driveway to your room that’s piled so high Donald Trump used it as an example of the wall he wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico.
2. Dishes
Washing a dish right after you use it is nice, but not always the most practical. Taking one day per week and doing all your dishes works just fine. You know what doesn’t work? Covering every single dish in the house with melted nacho cheese from making your own stupid nachos in the microwave on a constant basis. Then, to make it even better, you pile them all in the sink like some magical dish genie is going to swoop in and make all the messes go away. You’re the reason paper plates were invented.
3. The Common Area
You all have your rooms, but the common area is the spot for everyone to use and all pitch in to keep clean. Instead, you just turn it into Your Room 2.0 and toss so much of your junk in there that it looks like a locker from “Storage Wars” that absolutely no one would want to bid on. Thanks for making our home look like a makeshift flea market from hell.
4. Noise
It’s not that big a deal if you don’t realize your TV show was a little loud at 6 p.m. Enjoy yourself. Those things happen. What you do, however, is a little worse. You roll up at 2:30 a.m. blasting an EDM track that sounds like a dozen spoons being shoved into a garbage disposal while you are apparently doing backflips from one side of the house to the other. Best of all, it’s a Tuesday night. Don’t you work tomorrow, you goblin?
5. Trash
It takes 18 seconds to take a full trash bag from the kitchen to the trashcan outside the door. 18 seconds. You know what takes even longer? Cleaning up Mt. Trashmore that tumbled all over the floor because, instead of just replacing the bag, you started this garbage Jenga game where you stack all of it into a disgusting tower that’s going to topple over if a gentle breeze flows through the room.
6. Food
What’s that you’re cooking? Skunk and onion stir-fry? No thank you. I’m not very hungry, but I do appreciate the smell that’s going to strip the paint off the walls for the next 11 days. That’s fun!
7. Your Food
Why go grocery shopping when you could just forage off your other roommates’ food like some sort of mutant raccoon? You either eat the whole thing and barely hide the evidence, or you take little bites off all of it and hope no one notices. You just blame it on a mouse. There’s no mouse. We all know this, pal.
8. Friends Over
Having a friend or two over for movie night is great. Maybe we can all watch it together and become a fun group of friends! That’s not your plan. Instead, you bring over a dozen contestants from the “Let’s See Who Can Talk The Loudest With No Regard To Anyone Else” awards that most people aren’t aware of, but absolutely exist.
9. Privacy
Closed doors? Means nothing.
Lights off? I’m coming in anyway.
A sign that says DO NOT ENTER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE? Looks like a personal invitation to me!
10. Bills on time
Rent is due on the first, so that means you’re going to have that payment in right around the 19th. To make it even better, you don’t pay in a convenient way or electronically. Instead, you have two buckets of loose nickels that I’m going to assume you fished out of local wishing wells. Thanks for that.
11. Girlfriend
I’m so glad you have a girlfriend, but if you could please not dry hump on the couch next to me while I’m watching debate coverage, that would be amazing. Of course you’re going to keep doing it. Then you’re going to move it to your room and have the most audible, headboard-rattling sex that’s ever been imagined. I don’t know if I should congratulate you guys or call the cops and report a murder.
12. Paying bills
“The water bill was $18, but technically I was gone two days this month, so my part of the bill should be less than everyone that was here for the full month. This is something I believe because I am absolutely a demon spawn from the depths of the abyss.”
13. You don’t realize it
Maybe the worst roommates of all are the ones that have no idea they’re cretins. They walk around every day, clueless to the anguish and sorrow they inflict on those that sleep mere feet away from them. You can’t correct that which you don’t know is broken. And that, my friends, is the scariest monster of all. Now go clean your room, you orc.
