CHIPOTLE IS TERRIBLE
by Paul Ulane
The food at Chipotle will give you E. coli. That should really be the end of the discussion. But since I still see lines of people pouring out the door from every Chipotle in my neighborhood, it appears the threat of sudden and severe watery diarrhea is not enough to deter people from ordering up a Chipotle burrito.
So just what are these morons risking their sphincters for? If you’ve never been to a Chipotle, let me break it down. You will get half a spoonful of rice. Never enough. And if you ask for more, you’ll be lucky if your server sprinkles in two extra grains on the meager pile that already sits on your tortilla. Next come beans — a 30 percent bean, 70 percent bean-water mix that probably winds up looking more appetizing on the way out. If you want this horrific concoction Chipotle calls a burrito to be warm, you’re shit out of luck, because the rest of the toppings — especially the cheese, of all things — will be ice cold and immediately cool off the rest of the contents inside your loosely wrapped tortilla until the whole thing is lukewarm by the time you take a bite.
Oh, and guacamole costs one fucking dollar and 80 cents. What the shit is that?
So next time you’re hungry and you’re considering going to get a fast-food chain burrito, don’t forget: You can’t spell Chipotle without E. coli.
CHIPOTLE IS GOOD
by Gary Dudak
Nah, scratch that — Chipotle is fucking awesome. There have been many days in my life where the only bit of happiness I felt was while I was eating a steak burrito from Chipotle. Because it’s so damn good. That’s why millions of people like me are willing to risk a tiny little E. coli outbreak to eat there. Well, that and because we’re not huge pussies.
Does my stomach hurt sometimes, often within minutes, after I eat at Chipotle? Sure. But that happens when I eat my mom’s meatloaf, too. It’s not Chipotle’s fault that their ingredients are so fresh and delicious that our bodies can’t handle it. So yeah, load up my steak burrito with rice, pinto beans, medium salsa (don’t want to get too crazy today), cheese, sour cream and just a little bit of lettuce and I’ll be on my way. It doesn’t matter what the temperature of my burrito is either, because I am going to eat the shit out of it anyway.
Ya know what? Throw some chips and guac into my bag, too.
Totally fucking worth it.
