Shocking New Evidence Suggests Bernie Sanders Is The Real Zodiac Killer

March 7, 2016

It wouldn’t be presidential election season without at least a few of the candidates being accused of murder. Of course, with total creep Ted Cruz officially off the hook when it comes to being the infamous Zodiac Killer of the late ’60s and ’70s due to his age, the finger had to be pointed elsewhere. So why not at the man whose crotchety oldness gives C. Montgomery Burns a run for his money? That’s right, social media has now set its sights on Bernie Sanders, and the evidence is…well, maybe not quite damning, but it’s there:

Ted Cruz may be off the hook here guys. pic.twitter.com/rWgazQf0Ok

— Lauren Southern (@Lauren_Southern) March 7, 2016

But the wild accusations don’t stop there. In fact, there is an entire Tumblr page dedicated to breaking this case wide open. Here’s a small excerpt from that madness:

“Preliminary Wikipedia-level research tells us that the Zodiac Killer’s period of activity is confirmed to have extended from 1968-1969, but speculation places the first murders as early as 1963. Excluding that 1963 murder (which occurred while Sanders was still enrolled in college in Chicago) every Zodiac murder fits on a timeline that does not preclude Sanders as a suspect.

However, we can still account for that unconfirmed 1963 murder when we consider that Sanders was actively traveling at the time – he participated in the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom on August 28, 1963, but his whereabouts were unaccounted for on June 4, 1963 when Robert Domingos and Laura Edwards were murdered (presumably by the Zodiac Killer) in Gaviota, California. The University of Chicago does not have record of Sanders participating in any summer enrollment at that time, and summer break was well underway – Sanders had ample opportunity to travel to Gaviota and commit the crime.”

It continues in its absurdity from there. However, there is yet another photo of Bernie included on the page that gives us a pretty good side profile shot from his college days looking rather Zodiac-y.

Convinced? Yeah, we kinda figured not. But with this whole election being a great big joke anyways, we see no damage in piling another on.

If you couldn't tell by his photo, dignity flew out the window long ago for Cory. But that just means that nothing is off limits, making him the perfect fit to write for Mandatory. Hobbies include: eating pizza, thinking about going for a jog today, writing memes that no one finds funny, and wondering what life would be like if he'd actually put forth the effort to make something of it 10 years ago. He also owns two other hats (not pictured).