Photo: Highwaystarz-Photography (Getty)
You love your mom. She’s a wonderful woman that brought you into the world and cared for you unconditionally with more love than you’ll ever receive in your life. However, she can also drive you completely insane when you come home for the holidays. To prepare you for what you’re about to experience here are 12 things your mom is going to say while you’re home for Christmas.
1. Someone you don’t know found out they have cancer.
It’s not that you don’t care about a person finding out they have cancer, it’s just that you don’t have an immediate kneejerk reaction when you have no idea who the person is. She’ll explain that you should be ashamed of yourself because Helen Thompson was the librarian’s assistant at your school in 2nd grade and one time she helped you find a Judy Blume book, so you should definitely remember her.
2. Two people you don’t know got a divorce.
Even better than the sickness of a random stranger is your lack of sadness in finding out that two people who you never met that go to her church from time to time are getting a divorce. What are you supposed to do with this information? I truly don’t know, but if you don’t act sad she’ll suggest that you aren’t very compassionate anymore. So sorry for your divorce, Rick and Pamela?
3. The computer isn’t working
If you ask her what’s wrong she’ll just say, “I don’t know it’s just not working.” You could ask your dad but he’ll just groan and shrug. They either unplugged the monitor and you can fix it in two seconds or they did something so confusing and utterly devastating that the ghost of Steve Jobs couldn’t even comprehend what has happened.
4. Her smartphone also isn’t working anymore.
Why did you get her an iPhone for her birthday? You know plain and well she’s just going to get frustrated and go back to her Nokia flip phone. She doesn’t need Shazam or Spotify. Let her live her life.
5. You need to get a haircut.
Unless your sideburns are as short as Don Mattingly in that Simpsons’ episode, your mom is going to complain about the length of your hair. Every mom wants you to look like you just enlisted in basic training. Shaggy hair is mom kryptonite.
6. Whatever happened to (an ex you broke up with two years ago)?
This one is particularly wonderful when she brings it up in front of your current girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s basically your mom sizing up your new love interest, not approving, then peeing on you to mark her territory. If you’re really lucky she’ll still have an 8×10 of you and your ex hanging in the dining room so you guys can stare at it through the entire meal.
7. She had an uninteresting encounter with a cashier at CVS and she’s going to tell you about it for 20 minutes.
What basically happened was the cashier pressed the credit button instead of the debit button and she had to do the transaction all over, but to your mom it’s the next great American novel and you’ll get every excruciating detail of her paper towel and aluminum foil purchase.
8. She ignored all of your movie recommendations and watched something terrible instead.
You’ve recommended at least 50 wonderful movies you know she and your father would love, but did they watch them? Of course not. Instead they went to Red Box and rented a romantic comedy starring Jim Caviezel. Not even Jim Caviezel’s family saw it, but rest assured your parents did. She still hasn’t seen Gladiator, but she’s all on that Red Box Jim Caviezel list.
9. She heard about something questionable on your Facebook.
She doesn’t have a Facebook, but your stupid Aunt Katherine mentioned to her that there was a photo you were tagged in where it looked like you had been drinking. Were you drinking and driving? Do you think that’s cool? Why are you bragging online about doing something illegal? What kind of friends do you have on there that think this is cool? (You weren’t drunk, you just blinked during the picture, but she’ll never believe that.)
10. She’s thinking about making a Facebook of her own.
Pray this never happens. Pray.
11. Here’s why your racist uncle isn’t really racist.
You all know your Uncle Chris is insanely racist. He doesn’t try to hide it at all. He’s the worst. But he’s family and therefore your mom will defend him until the day he dies. He could burn a cross in the yard and wear a white hood to dinner and your mom would still say, “Well that’s just how he is.”
12. You need to call your grandma.
How often are you calling your grandparents? It’s not enough. Even if your grandma hated you and was mean to you your whole life, your mom will still insist that “she’s just old” and you need to spend more time with her. Now you know where your racist Uncle Chris got it from. Just call her and get it over with. And if you forget just tell your mom your grandma’s getting old and forgetful. You won’t feel good inside but at least she won’t be mad at you.
