It’s Wednesday afternoon, and you get to leave work a little early today. Nobody need be jealous, though, because it’s not for a fun reason. In fact, quite the opposite. Today at 2:30 p.m., you have an appointment with your dentist. You’re already eight and a half months overdue for your six-month checkup, so you can’t put it off any longer. Just get in, get your teeth cleaned and examined, and get out. Simple, right? Not so fast. Here is the typical 25-step process of going to the dentist.
Step 1 – Arrive at the dentist’s office and check in. Feel a chill go down your spine when you hear the faint sound of the dentist’s drill going off in one of the back rooms.
Step 2 – Try to take your mind off the sound of that drill while you’re waiting by reading an “Entertainment Weekly” magazine from March 2014.
Step 3 – Realize that you didn’t brush your teeth after lunch. Oops.
Step 4 – Get called back to your room by a very friendly-looking dental hygienist who will soon be torturing you while you have to just sit there and take it.
Step 5 – Hop in the chair and lay back. Feel a wave of anxiety come over your entire body as you think about what is going to happen to your mouth for the next several minutes.
Step 6 – Open up wide so the dental hygienist can insert the spit sucker and begin the cleaning.
Step 7 – Cringe in pain when she accidentally pokes the spot where you bit your cheek a few days ago.
Step 8 – Cringe in pain again when she begins cleaning that back tooth that is very sensitive for some reason.
Step 9 – Try to think happy thoughts as tears begin running down your face and your jaw feels like a 20lb. weight is hanging from your chin.
Step 10 – Feel sweet relief when the dental hygienist finally squirts some extra cool water into your mouth and asks you to swish and spit.
Step 11 – Feel terrified when you spit out a lot of blood. Why the hell is there so much blood?!
Step 12 – Sit back and reopen your mouth for another ride on the Pain Train.
Step 13 – Space out for a few minutes out of sheer survival instinct. Your pain tolerance has never been so high.
Step 14 – Snap back to reality when the dental hygienist informs you she is finally done with the cleaning, but now it’s time to floss.
Step 15 – Lie when she asks you if you floss regularly.
Step 16 – Cringe in pain once more as she sticks her fingers into your mouth to floss your teeth, slicing up your gums like it’s no big deal.
Step 17 – Swish and spit even more blood this time.
Step 18 – Enjoy a couple minutes of peace after the dental hygienist leaves and before the dentist shows up. You have never felt such inner tranquility.
Step 19 – Feel that calm wash away as the dentist walks in and says “Let’s take a look, shall we?”
Step 20 – Open up wide again and let the games begin.
Step 21 – Try to answer your dentist’s “So, how are things going?” question despite that fact that your mouth is agape and his sharp tools are scraping your teeth and jabbing your gums.
Step 22 – Begin to think really nasty thoughts about your dentist when he pokes that sensitive spot on your back tooth with his pick.
Step 23 – Contemplate actually murdering him when he hits the same spot again.
Step 24 – Smile and say, “No, not bad at all,” when your dentist tells you he’s all done and asks, “That wasn’t so bad now, was it?”
Step 25 – Break out into a sweat when he informs you that you have a pretty nasty cavity on that back tooth, and you’ll need to make an appointment with Linda at the front desk to come back and get it filled as soon as possible. Decide then and there to never come back again.
Related: A Typical Trip To The Mechanic
