While the Brawny man and Ron Swanson have done their part to teach all men what it takes to be a real man, there are actually a lot of other things that are OK to do; things that won’t make your father call your mother because he’s “concerned” about you. If you’re ever hesitant to do something because you feel your penis might bail, you probably have a serious medical condition and should have that checked out.
Here are some things that won’t strip you of the manhood you’ve worked so hard to build up by watching the UFC, Ice Road Truckers, and knowing every line from Goodfellas by heart.
These 11 Things Won’t Strip You Of Your Manhood
Failing Pathetically At Killing A Spider
If I can’t kill you by just stepping on you and hoping for the best, then this is a battle I don’t want to be a part of. Rather than pretending to be tough while secretly clenching your intestines and praying this beast doesn’t attack your face, just admit defeat and bargain with it to not leave eggs in your bed.
Listening to Adele
If you haven’t found yourself listening to her on a loop, you’re a liar and I need to go through all your playlists to convince myself there is some normalcy in my “I’m on an Adele binge” routine. Plus, you need to make use of those scented candles anyway, so you might as well light those suckers up while listening to her and hoping setting your ex’s things on fire won’t burn your apartment building down.
Not Knowing Shit About Cars
Greasy hands may excite some women, but so does waiting for AAA while in an air-conditioned car. Congratulations, you can change a tire and your chances of being murdered on the side of the road are less than mine. Jokes on you, though, I can dial 911 at lighting speed.
Not Being Bear Grylls
The Boy Scouts didn’t hand out badges for perfecting your “boil and drink your piss” method, but that’s OK. There’s a Ramada Inn up the road. These assholes can chill in the sleeping bags they got at Dick’s Sporting Goods while you bask in the glory that is basic cable and free ice.
Watching Anything on HGTV
So while on your way to ESPN 2 to watch some guy in beautiful slacks bowl, you stumbled upon a segment that is talking about enhancing your foyer and turning a shabby bookcase into a cheery bathroom storage. And then you sit there for three hours because those are segments that can change your life forever. Nothing wrong with that.
We’ll fight you if you say this isn’t manly: Guy Invents A ‘Drinking Jenga’ Game
Not Being Able to Get a Shot at the Doctor
Listen, if you enjoy having someone poke a hole into your flesh, and women flock to you because of that, more power to you. But if your method of choice is stomping your feet, looking away, praying to various gods you believe in and secretly hoping you don’t faint while a nurse wearing scrubs with ducks printed on it penetrates your skin, that’s OK, too.
Being That Guy Who Cries on Beyond Scared Straight
If various men that spent too much time lifting weights and killing people are screaming at you about how they need a new shower buddy, I feel like it’s alright to squeeze a tear out or two. But if they start suggesting they could use your tears as lube, I feel that’s your cue to sob.
Assuming Something in the Dark is Waiting to Kill You
Coming home at night to a pitch black home is how every water-damaged horror novel found in a crate at a garage sale begins. If you want to leave every light on before you leave so you can return to a home lit more brightly than a baseball stadium, go for it. I’d like to see that escaped convict hide in my perfectly lit residence.
Admitting You’re Lost
Driving around in a circle while flexing and quoting Scarface is pretty manly, but asking that lovely elderly man at the Texaco how to get to Houlihan’s because you need food with your vitamins is even manlier. Plus, think about all that money you can save on gas. Or you can just use Google Maps because lovely elderly men usually turn out to be murderers; at least according to every movie I’ve seen.
Thinking Pet Videos are Adorable
That puppy attempting to bark for the first time makes you want to bury yourself under a bunch of puppies. You get the same feeling when that kitten hugs his stuffed animal. Feel free to repeatedly kick a concrete pillar like Tong Po in Kickboxer while watching these videos for a nice balance.
Not Reminding Everyone Where You’re From During a Fight
If letting that guy who wants to kick your ass know that you’re from Topeka, Kansas makes you feel tougher, go for it. But chances are he’s pretty well versed in geography, so save it for your Tinder bio.
