We’ve all been there, and it’s a part of life, but that doesn’t mean it’s a pleasant part of life. You know that awful feeling that hits and just destroys every part of your being? It can ruin your day … and possibly your clothes as well. Here are 13 things that always happen when you have diarrhea.
1. Your Stomach Starts Making Sounds Like a Load of Wet Towels in the Dryer
You know that sound your stomach makes when you’re a little hungry? It’s not that at all. This sounds like a witch’s brew bubbling up out of a cauldron. You physically couldn’t lie down on your back, but if you did you could probably see your stomach bubbling up like on Nightmare on Elm Street 2 when Freddy busted out of Jesse’s stomach.
2. You Try and Convince Yourself You Can Hold It
Maybe if you just focus on something else it’ll subside for a few minutes? You try and think about anything else in the world, but the feeling of your body turning into an upside down colon volcano overrides everything else.
3. You Start Sweating Like You’re in a Nelly Video
Somehow, you’re cold and sweating at the same time. Is it coming out of your pores? You feel like you need to drink some water, but the thought of breathing deeply, let alone gulping down some water, sounds like death. If you sneezed right now, you’d have to have your carpets professionally shampooed.
4. You’re Rarely Alone
Remember that time you had explosive diarrhea when no one else was around and it went unnoticed by everyone else in the world? Of course not! That’s because it always happens when you’re walking through Target or waiting in line at the movies. Wonderful!
5. You Try to Relieve a Little Pressure, But That’s a Mistake
Your stomach feels like a hurricane is making landfall inside, so you think that maybe letting out just a little air would alleviate some of that pressure. The problem is that it’s not air, it just seems like air. In reality, it’s full of your body’s version of that liquid in the bottom of a public trashcan. This was a horrible mistake.
6. You Start Running in Place
Maybe a stationary jog will distract you from your misery. You look like Rocky training for a fight, but for at least the next 20 seconds, you aren’t focused on the water main that’s about to burst in your butt.
7. Riding in a Car is Hell
There is no sitting still. If you have the unfortunate displeasure of riding in a car while your stomach is churning, the only way to possibly get relief is by doing what appears to be a breakdancing beginner’s-class move while making a face like you just ate a lemon soaked in chest hair.
8. If You’re In Public, There’s Going to Be a Line
You finally find a gas station with a bathroom, because you surely can’t make it home, and guess what? There’s a giant line. Now you have to either hop in place and wait for your turn, explain to everyone that you’re about to soil BP’s floor, or go into the opposite gender’s bathroom and let them suffer your stomach’s wrath.
9. And Someone is Going to Knock on the Door
Once you finally get in there, it’s going to be a few minutes. But no one else in line is patient either, and they’ll start knocking on the door. Let me tell you, nothing helps you relax and go to the bathroom quicker than an angry stranger pounding on the door demanding that you hurry up. It’s like a spa day for your butthole.
10. You’ll Think You’re Done, But You’re Not Done
You’ll get up and go to wash your hands, but then something happens. It’s like in a horror movie when they shoot the killer and they’re all certain he’s dead, but when they walk back to his body they discover he’s gone. In other words, you thought it was all over, but there’s more to come. If you get back to the toilet in time, it’s a miracle.
11. At Least One Article of Clothing Has Been Ruined
RIP your khaki pants.
12. You Try and Figure Out Which Meal Caused It
As you’re trying to pick up the pieces of your life, you have to find someone or something to blame. What did you eat today? What’s different from your normal routine? Did you get poisoned? Is it Randy from work? Is Randy trying to murder you??? Oh wait, no. You went to a food truck and got beef tacos. That’s it.
13. You Realize This is the Real Reason Why Toilet Brushes Exist
It’s like someone put a stick of dynamite inside of a pot roast and closed it inside the toilet. You have to clean this up yourself because asking anyone else would instantly end that relationship, forever.
