It’s Saturday afternoon, and you’re resting comfortably on your couch watching three different college football games. You hear the shower go on, and your wife yells out, “Don’t forget we have Rachel’s party at 7:00!” You were well aware of the party. Rachel, your wife’s friend, is having her third birthday celebration of the week. You’d rather stay home, but there will be booze and snacks and some friends there. So, what the hell? The only question is: Will you actually ever make it? Here is a typical timeline of waiting for your wife to leave for the party.
4:30 p.m. – Your wife gets out of the shower and walks to your bedroom to put on her makeup. You pop in a DiGiorno pizza at 400 degrees for 22 minutes.
4:52 p.m. – Pizza’s done! You slice it up and let your wife know she can have some. She says she already feels fat, so no thanks, and continues with her makeup.
5:00 p.m. – Two of the football games you’re watching are close in the 4th quarter. You finish up your third slice of the ‘zza and realize you need a beer to wash it down.
5:01 p.m. – Your wife comes out of the bedroom with her makeup done. You tell her she looks gorgeous. She reminds you to not have too many beers because you promised you’d drive to the party.
5:05 p.m. – Your wife begins blow-drying her hair. You turn up the volume on the TV a couple notches.
5:25 p.m. – Holy crap, these games are getting good. One team is driving for a game-winning score and the other game is in overtime. You grab another beer and the final couple slices of pizza so you can really enjoy this.
5:30 p.m. – Right as a team is lining up for a game-winning field goal, your wife comes out and asks you how she looks in her new outfit. You tell her she looks great and immediately go back to looking at the TV. This displeases the wife.
5:31 p.m. – The kicker missed the field goal because college kickers suck.
5:32 p.m. – You realize your wife was not happy with your lack of enthusiasm about her outfit, so you go into the bedroom to reiterate that she really looks great. Too late, she is already changing.
5:33 p.m. – You head back out to the living room to watch the end of the other game. Your wife asks, “Is there any of that pizza left?” You tell her no; you ate it all because she said she didn’t want any. This displeases the wife.
5:40 p.m. – The other game is in the final seconds. It’s 4th and goal, and things are getting loud and intense. Your wife asks you to turn the TV down a little. You do so (begrudgingly).
5:41 p.m. – TOUCHDOWN! That was incredible! You down the rest of your second beer and consider cracking a third. You ask your wife what time you need to leave. She replies, “The party is at 7 but we don’t need to be there right on time. So let’s just leave here at 7.” This means you can definitely have one more beer.
6:00 p.m. – You are now flipping between another college game and Armageddon on TNT. Your wife comes out in another outfit and asks you how she looks. You declare, “You look beautiful, babe!” She replies, “Thanks, but I really don’t like these shoes with it.” She goes back to the room to change again.
6:15 p.m. – You are getting sucked into Armageddon.
6:20 p.m. – You hear your wife making a bunch of noise in the bathroom while huffing and puffing. You go in and ask her if she’s OK, and she informs you that she can’t find this necklace that she really needs for her outfit. You try to help her look for it, but her bathroom is a mess, so she just tells you to get out. Back to Armageddon!
6:30 p.m. – There is a commercial break, so you decide to finally get dressed for Rachel’s party.
6:32 p.m. – You are completely dressed and ready to go. You go to the fridge and grab one more beer.
6:33 p.m. – Your wife comes out in her third outfit, featuring the lost necklace. You make the mistake of telling her you kind of liked the last outfit better. This displeases the wife.
6:58 p.m. – You look at your phone during another commercial break of Armageddon and realize it’s almost 7. You call out, “Honey, are you about ready to go?” She replies that she just needs five more minutes.
7:15 p.m. – Your wife comes out in an outfit that looks just like the first outfit. You tell her she looks great once again. She says thank you, but informs you that she now needs to fix her hair. She asks if you can get her a drink before we go because she’s feeling stressed out. You say OK.
7:16 p.m. – You pour her a glass of wine and decide that you should have one, too. You’ll just order an Uber instead of driving now. Because that’s being responsible.
7:17 p.m. – You bring your wife her wine and tell her to let you know when she’s almost ready and you’ll get the Uber.
7:30 p.m. – You loudly ask, “Ready for me to order the Uber yet?” She says no.
7:40 p.m. – You can’t believe that you are still watching Armageddon, but are starting to secretly worry that you may have to leave before the end of it. You’ve come this far, and you want to see it through.
7:41 p.m. – Your wife says she’s finally ready and you can order the Uber, so you load up the app and request it. It’s surge pricing — 2.1x the normal amount. You decide to wait a couple minutes to see if it will go down.
7:45 p.m. – Uber pricing is now 3x the normal amount. You accept defeat and just request it anyway.
7:58 p.m. – The Uber arrives just as Armageddon cuts to the end credits. Perfect. Somehow, however, your wife is still not ready to go. She orders you to go down and get in the car, and tell the driver she’ll be there in a second.
8:05 p.m. – After several long minutes of awkward conversation with your Uber driver, who you can tell is getting annoyed that you are still waiting for your wife, she exits your place and hustles to get into the car.
8:30 p.m. – You finally make it to Rachel’s party, which you will be at for approximately an hour before Rachel says something that displeases your wife and she asks to go home.
