Every man understands the importance of the porn clip that’s “just right.” Like Goldilocks and her quest for the ideal breakfast in strangers’ homes, a man must find the ideal clip that fulfills his goal of..er, completion. What you are about to read are the many porn situations that cause every man to either skip or just stop watching that porn entirely. Let’s get this thing going…
1. The loud music killed the vibe.
Judging by the thumbnail you saw in the gallery, this video is going to be real good. Unfortunately, the only audio available throughout the video is some instrumental track that wouldn’t seem out of place in a jazz club’s elevator. This horrible music, of course, takes away from the busty blonde going at herself with a showerhead, and for that, you resent that entire music genre.
2. The scene gets too extreme.
Some days us guys feel the need to venture away from what we’d normally watch and opt for something a little less traditional. The catch with this decision, however, is that some people are into things you wouldn’t believe is even legal. And though you typed “Avengers roleplay” into the search bar hoping to find Black Widow on the receiving end of Thor’s hammer, you’re watching a Russian woman get torn in half by two Hulk-sized fists.
3. The sex is insanely overacted.
It’s no secret that the acting in porn is absolutely atrocious, but that’s not what I’m getting at here. In this case, I speak of the woman who, instead of sounding like their male costar is proficient at his job as an orgasm provider, sounds more like she’s being gutted by a rusty machete.
4. There’s just too much dick.
If you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t get turned on by lesbian scenes because there’s no male placeholder to represent your presence, you’re not alone. The problem with some of these co-ed scenes, however, is that there are too many close-ups of the guy’s wiener, which just so happens to be massive and mighty intimidating.
5. The introduction or back-story is half the video.
You came to watch porn for the action, not for the production company’s logo and subsequent website callout. You also didn’t intend to watch porn stars do what they do worst – act – for the majority of the clip. Guys are easy, show us a pizza delivery in which the busty housewife can’t afford the bill despite the mansion she resides in and instead uses her body for payment. That’s all we require. Done.
6. The amateur video is too amateur.
We understand that we’ve clicked on a link labeled “amateur” but that doesn’t mean we want to see a couple going at it in a dimly lit room that looks like it was filmed on a toaster from 30 yards away.
7. There’s too much production value.
This is a great example of the Goldilocks metaphor I made in the introduction. If you select a poorly filmed amateur video, you aren’t pleased, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, too much production value can deliver a similar effect. Big budgets aren’t always better. Look at Michael Bay.
8. There’s too much communication during sex.
Some porn stars talk too much. You’re not getting paid to talk, you guys; you’re getting paid to have rough sex. So communicating while the sex is happening – all of the “Do you like that? Yeah? Do you?” – is just off-putting. Cut the bullshit – neither of you care if the other is enjoying themselves, you just want to collect your check. Likewise, we don’t care if you are either, we just want to shoot our seed.
9. The video ends before the money shot.
A lot of videos edit out the money shot in hopes that we’ll either subscribe to the porn site or purchase the video. This isn’t effective. There’s way too much free porn available on the Internet to spend money for aptly named money shot. All that this exclusion does is piss off viewers – we were promised a “full-length” video, and this thing doesn’t even have a conclusion.
