You know that person on Facebook that drives you completely insane and you cringe every time they show up in your newsfeed? Well, you’re that person to someone else. Can you believe that?! Don’t worry because we’re here to help. If you stop doing these 12 things, you’ll be back into their good graces in no time!
1. The Public Break-Up
It’s never fun to go through a break-up, but I can’t imagine communicating your mutual anger through passive aggressive Facebook statuses and hashtags like #MikeIsACheater or #AshleyHasHerpes. Plus, if you’re looking to date again, no one sees that and thinks, “Boy, would I love to have a relationship with someone that’s going to end like the last 20 minutes of ‘Deep Impact.'” Bash them in private to your friends like any normal person.
2. The Big Finale Spoilers
You need at least a day to give everyone a chance to watch the latest episode of a show before posting a status that reveals the death of a major character. If you post a huge spoiler before the episode has even aired on the west coast, I will unfriend you and put a gypsy curse on you, but not like the one in “Thinner” where the fat man lost all that weight. It’ll involve your fingers growing tentacles or something along those lines and it’ll be completely deserved.
3. The Spoilers That You Think Aren’t Spoilers
You know exactly what I’m talking about, you monsters. If you post “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?” two minutes after “The Walking Dead” ended, then you’ve ruined the surprise for everyone because now we expect something crazy to happen. It’s not an unexpected event when you tell us it’s going to happen. That’s like saying, “Ok ‘The Sixth Sense’ is good, but wait until you find out the big twist with Bruce Willis at the end. I’m not going to say what happens, but it rhymes with he’s been schmed the whole time!”
4. The Test of Faith
One ‘Like’ does not equal one prayer and Jesus is not concerned if I post a Bible verse on a stock image of lit candles on my timeline. Also, why are there always typos in those graphics? I bet Jesus is much more concerned with the proper use of “then” and “than.” Let’s work on that one first.
5. The Endless Game Invites
Who are these people that spend a seemingly endless amount of time playing Magic Horse Sea Captain Explorer on Facebook so much that they’re now requiring my assistance to complete their missions? We haven’t talked since the 9th grade and now you want me to join you on a digital voyage? At least say hi to me first or ask me how my life is going.
6. The Passive Aggressive Photo Crop
If the relationship you constantly posted about on Facebook ended, you’re either going to have to leave all the pictures up, or do some serious photo deleting. The worst thing you can do is attempt to crop out your ex because it’s a cute picture of you. If we see a picture of you with a phantom arm in the background, we’re ignoring your amazing haircut and focusing solely on figuring out whose arm that belongs to.
7. The Mass Message
A group of friends sharing a fun group message is a great way to catch up or make plans or just enjoy each other’s company. The problem is when you get added to a group message with 900 strangers and your message alerts start lighting up like the Griswold’s house in “Christmas Vacation.” Why would you do this to your friends?
8. The Unnecessary Tag
If you want someone to see a photo you took of them, text it to them or send it as a message. There’s nothing better than opening up your page to see 32 comments on a photo where you’re in the background looking like a drowsy pterodactyl. Thanks a lot for that.
9. The Pop In Argument
Have you ever posted a status that wasn’t controversial or argumentative in any way, only to have a stranger that’s friends with one of your friends jump in and say something terrible to you? Why on earth would you feel like that’s something anyone should ever do? Feel free to post whatever you want on your own page, but jumping on a stranger’s page and arguing is like walking into someone’s dining room, grabbing a bite of their homemade meal, and complaining that they aren’t using enough salt. No one asked you, pal.
10. The Mystery
Please stop posting things like, “Six days and then we’ll see if the story holds true.” What does that mean? Are you a government agent warning of a looming terror attack? Unless you’re the girl from “The Ring” giving an update on when someone is going to die for watching the tape, then stop posting those ominous and creepy status updates. To be honest, we’re starting to worry about you.
11. The Mopey Plea For Attention
If you come across a graphic that starts with the phrase, “Most of you won’t read this anyway” stop right there and delete it as quickly as you possibly can. Maybe the reason no one is reading your page is because you keep posting emo Facebook glitter graphics like this instead of anything we’d actually want to know. I’ll take 10,000 photos of your baby or pets over a desperate plea for attention that requires me to write one word about how we met or what you mean to me.
12. The Digital PDA
If you live with your partner, you should not be allowed to post something on their Facebook page that you can say in real life WHEN THEY’RE SITTING NEXT TO YOU. When you guys inevitably break up, we’ll all be a little sad, but in the back of our minds we’re secretly celebrating that we won’t have to see any more of your mutual comments that end in a <3.
