Objectophilia. Dendrophilia. Incest. Yup — we’ve got the goodies. Here are 12 people that put the “um” in “daddy problums.”
Groom: Ngurah Alit, an 18-year-old Balinese man
Bride: A cow
Justification: In 2010, Alit was found jackhammering a cow in a rice paddy on the island of Bali. He claimed the cow was being a shameless flirt. After authorities found him fouling the animal, Alit was forced to marry her. But the romance would be short-lived, as they drowned the cow in the ocean prior to the wedding ceremony. Alit fainted when he learned of it.
Bride: Karnamoni Handsa, a nine-year-old Indian villager
Groom: Bacchan, a dog
Justification: More than 100 guests attended the wedding betwixt the two, a beautiful ceremony in the remote Indian village of Khanyhan. Western media jumped on the WTF story in 2003, and members of the village jury approved the wedding to ward off a “bad omen.” Said Handsa: “I have no regret in marrying the dog Bacchan. I am fond of the dog who moves around our locality.”
Bride: Sharon Tendler, a lonely 41-year-old Briton
Groom: Cindy, a bottlenose dolphin
Justification: “It’s not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He’s the love of my life.” T’was love at first sight when Tendler saw Cindy for the first time during a sea show. She continued visiting the 35-year-old marine mammal for 15 years until they wed in 2005. Tendler died less than a year later due to a non-dolphin-related illness.
Groom: Charles Tombe, a Sudanese man
Bride: Rose, a goat
Justification: Villagers found Tombe, a self-described Christian, rump-wrangling his neighbor’s goat in 2006. It made international headlines. Tombe was forced to pay the equivalent of $50 and marry the goat, as it is blasphemous to bone a goat out of wedlock. The goat died a year later due to non-sodomy-related reasons.
Groom: Richard Torres, a Peruvian “activist”
Bride: A tree
Justification: Because of the environment, OK? Torres planned to bring a unique brand of activism to Argentina. A hefty gaggle of equally creepy supporters attended the wedding and wept at their union. He kissed its bark romantically.
Bride: Chen Wei-yih
Bride: Chen Wei-yih
Justification: Asexualism is all the rage in 2014. The 30-year-old Taiwanese woman married herself. Attempting to subvert the view that single, independent Asian women are failures in Eastern societies, Chen put a ring on herself. You go girl.
Groom: Lee Jin-gyu, a real-life version of Lars
Bride: A pillow
Justification: “He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,” one friend of Lee’s stated, who wanted to remain anonymous, because it’s embarrassing to be his friend. The 28-year-old South Korean popped the question (and perhaps something else) on the pillow, which featured popular anime character Fate Testarossa on the knitting. Here’s video.
Groom: Karl Lagerfeld, creative director at Chanel
Bride: Choupette
Justification: He never thought he’d fall in love with a cat. Though Lagerfeld is legally unable to marry Choupette, in June 2013 he said he would if it were legal.
Bride: Adriana, sibling No. 1
Groom: Leandro, sibling No. 2
Justification: The two had been married for 10 years, and even had a six-year-old daughter. When the opportunity arose to find out live on the radio who their mothers were (both Adriana and Leandro didn’t know), they learned they were indeed brother and sister. “I don’t believe you’re telling me this,” said Ariana on “The Time Is Now,” a program that specializes in finding lost relatives. After a brief family discussion, Adriana and Leandro decided to keep it in the family por vida. “Nothing is going to break us up. Nothing.” … Aaaannnndddd that’s f*cked up.
Bride: Lauren Adkins
Groom: Robert Pattinson, a cardboard cutout
Justification: Lauren Adkins, apparently no fan of the Atkins diet, married a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen on an impassioned whim in September. There was a five-tier cake, 50 guests and a bill for $2,000. Yes, it was a serious wedding — just as serious as her violent lust for the “Twilight” franchise.
Bride: Helen Shabangu, a 61-year-old woman
Groom: Sanele Masilela, an 8-year-old boy
Justification: When Ashton Kutcher married elderly soon-to-be-senior-citizen Demi Moore, it sent shockwaves throughout the international community. In March 2013, Shabangu and Masilela trumped that, marrying to appease ancestral spirits requesting their union from beyond the grave. They even shared a hot kiss at the ceremony. The marriage isn’t legally binding and he doesn’t even live with her, so it isn’t that weird.
Bride: Valerie Spruill
Groom: Percy Spruill, her father
Justification: Who’s got a barf bag ready? They met in Akron and lived a peaceful life in the small Ohio suburb of Doylestown. Eight years after Percy died, Valerie learned the news from her uncle: Percy was her pops. A DNA test confirmed it. “I don’t know if he ever knew or not,” she said. “That conversation didn’t come up.” After years of therapy and a hefty dosing of Jesus, she accepted her decade stint of incest. Who’s your daddy?
