Let’s be honest: Stealing a teddy bear is pretty embarrassing, but stealing a teddy bear’s innocence is way out of line, man.
According to Gawker, a 38-year-old Darwen, England, man was pinched by authorities for burglary after they recently found his DNA inside a teddy bear that he went to town on during the break-in.
So why did Paul Mountain-yes, that’s his real name-hump a plush toy during a recent burglary attempt? You guessed it: He was “coming down off amphetamine and felt overwhelming need for sexual relief.”
Mountain pleaded guilty to burglary after the owner of a shed noticed it had been broken into and its contents had been thrown around. Among the disturbed items was the semen-filled teddy bear that was handed over to police for evidence. The seed was tested, and the DNA matched that of Mr. Mountain.
It couldn’t be confirmed, but we’re going to assume whoever had to bag the bear for evidence has probably lost all faith in the human race.
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