I’m a picky eater. Some have characterized my food hang-ups as absurd; others, as psychosis. When I was young, I pretty much gave myself only three choices of entrée: plain spaghetti (no, not even butter), bacon and my ultimate power food … french fries.
As I’ve aged, my menu has expanded. But my obsessive love of french fries has never gone away. So it is with true pleasure that I can present to you, from worst to best, the Ultimate Ranking of Fast Food French Fries.
10. Jack in the Box
This is the worst fry on the list. It’s almost shocking how bad they are. Particularly since in his commercials, Jack is one cocky SOB. If Jack really took stock in the shortcomings of his french fries, he wouldn’t be so smug.
They look fine enough: shoestring-sized and inviting. But don’t be fooled. There’s some strange coating on it that gives it an even stranger taste. A flavor that might be heralded in the boardroom, but on the mean streets of, say, South L.A. or Chappaqua, N.Y., no way. And there’s an awkward dryness to them that makes you want to leave as many behind as possible without feeling like you’ve wasted your money. Take it from me. You did.
9. Kentucky Fried Chicken
KFC doesn’t have french fries. They’ve got a wedge. A wedge of unknown nationality. Consequently, I had every intention of leaving them off this list until I discovered that another respected online publication had put them at number one. Number one?! Not only is this an affront to cuisine and journalism alike, but maybe the entire fabric of civilization when you get right down to it.
KFC’s potato wedges are orange, so already we’re off to a bad start. If something’s unnaturally orange, something’s wrong. Just ask John Boehner’s wife.
But it all comes down to the taste. Sure, they’re meaty and crunchy in all the right places. But the mercilessly seasoned coating tastes more like Charlie Chaplin’s shoe than something Kentucky, or even Ireland for that matter, would dare take any pride in.
Number one?!
8. Carl’s Jr.
There’s not much to say about Carl’s Jr. fries. There is some natural cuteness to them but that is just for show. Bland, tasteless, whatever you want to call it-if there is any flavor to this fry it’s hard to conjure a positive word to describe it. Like Jack in the Box, they look good-slender shoestrings, a superlative fast-food appearance-but those looks are deceiving. A senior disappointment.
7. Burger King
These fries are Jack in the Box’s fatter cousin. It’s got the same strange taste, but some girth at least to prove it actually comes from a potato. In all its years, Burger King has never gotten its fries right. It’s almost as if, decade after decade, with all their fry’s iterations, there’s been a strict determination to maintain an unpleasant cardboard quality. And they wonder why they are losing market share.
Today, the menu touts that these fries are “New.” I recall them being “New” every year or two. When tasting these again, the term that came to mind to describe its texture was damp. Not even soggy or greasy but damp. Yes, it is somewhat crispy but there is no freshness. An impressive feat of underwhelmingness.
You would expect a lot more from royalty.
6. Wendy’s
Wendy’s fries are a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. Several years back, its ads declared the chain was transitioning to natural cut, sea salted fries. There was some weird sea salt frenzy back then and the freckled, braided redhead hitched her wagon to it. Today, maybe because of the public’s increased health consciousness, sea salt has been scrubbed from her banners and left as a mere footnote.
What’s left of this crazy new upgrade now is the potato skin. A potato skin has flavor. Wendy’s natural cut fries wrapped in skin, does not. It’s puzzling. Somehow it is flavorless and even despite its heartiness, there is still absolutely no flavor there.
But the tragedy comes from the past. The french fry they transitioned away from was one of the best around. Long and plump, a suddenly empty container was reason to mourn. Those days are long gone. Maybe this generation’s most devastating example of “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.”
Note to Mr. Burger King: Your Majesty, if you want to solve your french fry problem, the one that seemingly leads to your reinventing them every 8 months or so, just find out where Wendy foolishly dumped her old ones and grab ’em. You’ll be back to Number 2 in no time.
Dishonorable mention: I was all set to add Arby’s to this list. But Arby’s doesn’t have french fries. They have curly fries. (Another list had THOSE as their number one! Oh the humanity!) Curly fries are not french fries. They are a lab experiment gone wrong. I wouldn’t be surprised if Curly Fry was the next villain in the third “Avengers” installment. A villain outfitted in an evil zesty coating.
Don’t coat a french fry! Like a diamond, a french fry is nature’s way of showing there is perfection in the world, and if there is a higher power, her and her golden skin are proof. A zesty coating on the other hand might just be the sign of the apocalypse.
So we’ve reached a significant divide here. Because they’re used to be only one of a few food items I would actually eat, my measure of a great french fry is this: would I stop at a fast food restaurant just to order them alone? The answer concerning the above is no. Below, thankfully, blissfully, yes.
5. In-N-Out
In-N-Out fries are delightful. There, I said it. They’re not crispy, and although crispy will usually serve as a positive adjective while describing a french fry, In-N-Out’s have so much else going for them. They’re cut on the premises so they are fresh and you can tell. They’re small, almost bite-size so your fingers get a nice little helping each time they dip back into the container. They’re soft. Again, crispiness might seem like the highest praise you can give a fry, but In-N-Out’s softness conveys that these fries are designed to stand out from the crowd. They are playing by their own rules. And the taste is, well, delightful. A packed potatoey punch delivered by a fry smaller than a shoestring. This is the angel hair of french fries. Delicate, delicious.
4. Chick-Fil-A
In recent years, Chick-Fil-A has created the most controversy surrounding chicken since Foghorn Leghorn let young Henery Hawk play with a live firearm. But when it comes down to it, their waffle fries are cock of the walk. Waffle cut fries are always crowd pleasers and Chick-Fil-A does theirs supremely well. They are big, bulky pillows of perfection. Delectably soft yet crunchy along the edges. (How do they do that? Potato magic, I say.) They are the largest fry on the list so they go pretty quickly, which is always disappointing. Their taste is not. Hot, tasty, and satisfying. The kind of fry that will always leave you craving more.
3. Five Guys
This upstart franchise is truly in a class by itself. Gourmet fast food by any measure with a tight menu and close attention paid to every item cooked. Their french fries are peerless. While Wendy’s and Carl’s Jr. make a mockery of natural cut fries, the Guys turn them into a work of art. These are a notch above fast food french fries. These potatoes are good, period. Cut on location, Five Guys treats their fries as if they were the only menu item. Thick, hearty and delicious, with skins that add to their wonderful flavor. I don’t endorse seasoned salt, and on a lesser fry this bizarre orange concoction would become an unwanted distraction, but in the Guys’ hands they make it work. Served in a simple brown bag that isn’t bashful of its glorious grease, somehow a small size becomes a large with the overly generous extras they pour on top of its already brimming cup. Thus a large order will become a veritable feast of perfect fries.
2. Del Taco
I once heard a comedian’s bit about people’s insistence on eating popcorn fistfuls at a time. That’s how I feel about Del Taco’s french fries. Served in an ample cup, I could drink them down if that was physically possible. These crinkle cuts (the only one on our list) are fresh, thick and tasty. And the fact that this is a Mexican fast food restaurant serving Mexican food, all the monarchs, military brass, oddball toys and goofy girls, and other offspring in the fast food universe that sling subpar french fries should be ashamed of themselves. This is a classic example of an exemplary fry that rounds out any meal. Golden in color they are beautiful to behold and even better to eat.
1. McDonald’s
The real reason people always say that McDonald’s french fries are the best is because McDonald’s french fries are the best. First of all, they’ve got the classic look. Long, thin and shoestring, its color like a golden sunrise. You’ll notice that all the franchises with the better offerings on this list have completely departed from the stereotypical image of the fast food fry to create something unique and delicious of their own. The entries with the lesser french fries are just desperately trying to emulate the McDonald’s model and failing miserably. It is this uninspired unoriginality that has left them with fries with unappealing tastes. The taste of a McDonald’s fry on the other hand gorgeously captures what fast food is all about. They are crisp, firm and perfectly delicious. Long ago, McDonald’s set the standard for the french fry and continues to serve billions and billions of the best out there to this very day.
