Part of the charm of the characters on “Seinfeld” is that they’re self-centered and shallow. Just as many of us tend to be. And there’s no greater proof of that than a recent Reddit thread that asked the question, “What is the most George Constanza-esque reason you broke up with someone?” Here are the best of the bunch.
1. The Mustard Girl
She was putting mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand. You would never ever think she would do this by looking at her or speaking to her.
2. The Paul Dano Look-alike
One day, I realized she looked like Paul Dano and I couldn’t unsee it. That was it.
3. The Bartender’s Nightmare
She’d wait until she had the bartender’s attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink.
4. The Loud Eater
I dated this girl who was the loudest eater I ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of mmms and noms as well. It was like dating the fucking cookie monster.
5. The Sugar Clumper
She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee. Would leave clumps of coffee sugar.
6. The Chatty Kathy
She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed by while driving.
“Jiffy Lube. Huh, a Spencers. Gym-boooo-ree …” (that’s how she would say it)
7. The T-Rex
She walked like a T. rex.
8. The Beetlejuice Ending
His head was too small. Like freakish, shrunken head small. He was a big dude – 6’4, 200 pounds – with this tiny child-size head I could completely wrap my tiny girl hands around. My friend still call him Tiny Head Paul.
I hope he found someone to love him and that petite noggin of his.
9. The Fork Biter
I know someone who broke up with their S.O. because whenever they took a bite from a fork they would bite down on it while they slid it out of their front teeth. Makes me cringe thinking about it.
10. The Cold Slaw
She pronounced it “cold slaw.”
11. The Mothercooker
My most George Constanza-esque moment was why I didn’t break up with her. She was batshit crazy and I once had 152 missed calls from her in a day. But holy fuck, could her mom cook …
12. The Volume Nazi
She wouldn’t change the volume on the TV to an even number. I mean, how hard is it to put the TV on 30 instead of 29?
