Photo credit: theflightattendantlife.com
If there’s one group of people that see some crazy shenanigans, it has to be flight attendants. For some reason, everyone loses their minds when they step onto a plane. A thread on Reddit asked flight attendants, as well as airline employees and passengers, to share the craziest things they’ve caught people doing on a flight. Apparently, there’s a lot more sex going on up there than you’d expect.
1. Sleep Tight
“A friend of mine was a flight attendant who told me that a guy called the air hostess and very politely asked if the pilot could shut off one of the jet engines so his son could sleep peacefully.”
2. Crazy People
“On a flight from JFK to Heathrow post-9/11, while the plane was about 4th or 5th in line for takeoff, an American lady demanded to be let off the plane. The attendant naturally refused since the doors were closed and they were almost at the runway. The lady went nuts and called 911 from her cell phone and said she was an American citizen being held against her will on a foreign airline and they were about to take off and she was going to be taken to another country. In about 3 or 4 minutes police and FBI vans surrounded the plane, pulled her out and grounded the flight pending further investigation. In the end, she was just a nutjob who ruined everyone’s flight.”
3. The Blanket
“Had a couple ‘sleeping’ near the back of the plane on an empty flight – her head was under a thin airplane blanket on his lap, obviously giving him some special oral attention while he concentrated on squeezing his eyes shut and not making noise. I did a double-take as I walked past them; it was just so obvious what was happening. I told my coworker who went to take a look for herself and agreed. We decided to do a water service to see if it was still going on, but they had stopped by the time we got there. At the end of the flight, the girl tried to give the blanket back to my co-worker, who just said, ‘Oh, you keep it, you might need it on your next flight.'”
4. The Liquid
“My dad was on a flight to go somewhere for vacation. Everyone was well into the flight when this guy in a nice suit had this liquid pouring onto him from the overhead cabin. The guy screamed out, ‘WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!’ and without missing a beat this little old lady with a thick Southern accent says, ‘Das my shrimp!’ (Mind you this was pre 9/11, so she was somehow able to get frozen shrimp on a plane.) Rough day for that guy …”
5. Congrats!
“My mom has been a flight attendant for 33 years now. They always know when people try to have sex in the lavs; if they’re not extremely busy, two or three will try to assemble outside and clap when the people come out.”
6. Nicki Minaj
“One of my best friends was a flight attendant for a few years, so I’ve heard some insane stories from her. My absolute favorite was when she had to wait on Nicki Minaj in first class on a flight. She said Nicki was pretty much the worst passenger she’d ever waited on. She was rude, demanding and kept doing weird shit like order a vodka cranberry and when the flight attendant would deliver it she’d take one sip, hand it back to her and ask for another. My friend told me that her whole posse kept doing this until they had gone through almost all the mini bottles. As a bartender, that story pissed me off to no end.”
7. This Is About Me
“I was on a flight that had to be diverted because a man began having a heart attack. The passenger across the aisle yelled at the flight attendant because she was going to miss her connecting flight because of the delay – so I laid into her. Insensitive bitch.”
8. Family Vacation
“My mother in law was a stewardess and told us the craziest thing she saw was a guy on the plane, with his wife and kids, getting a beej from another guy in the bathroom.”
9. I Love Lucy
“My uncle worked for a major airline and was told a famous story about how a flight attendant could not speak to Lucille Ball and had to ask her assistant what Ball would want to drink. Another story was that a flight attendant accidentally dropped a glass of water on Ball. Lucille kept saying it was OK, and asked for another glass of water. When the attendant came back with it, Lucille threw it right back saying, ‘How do you like it?'”
10. Don’t Threaten The Crew
“It was a bad weather day into St. Louis. We got struck by lightning. It happens. We get priority to land because we can’t be sure what damage occurred. Once on the ground, I do a walk-around and see the damage. The outbound flight, the last of the night, is cancelled because the plane is down for what I would think are obvious reasons.
“We didn’t have a hotel for the night, as we were supposed to take the plane back out. So while waiting for news from crew scheduling, we were supporting the gate agent. Man, people were PISSED. Insisting we go. I point out the window at the melted wingtip and large scorch mark on the aircraft. One lady got in my face and screamed, ‘Do you think I give a fuck about your paint job?! Get me on that plane and get me home, or you’ll be sorry!’
“Needless to say, that lady didn’t go on any flight with us the next day. Don’t fuck with gate agents (or crews that are nice to them).”
11. Free Drinks?
“Last month, I was on a Vegas-to-Boston flight when some poor guy passed away on the plane. We diverted to NY and emergency personnel carried him off the plane and his widow was also escorted from the plane. Just before we took off to resume our flight, some jackass in the front row looks at the clearly stricken flight attendant and asks if we now all get free drinks.”
12. Yoga Time
“I get that on long flights you want to get up and stretch your legs a little, no problem. But on a 45-minute express flight, is it really necessary to get up and start doing yoga in the back galley? This actually happened and I couldn’t believe it. Get out of my way, so I can finish serving drinks to the other 70 passengers on board.”
13. Flight Attendant Misery
“Pilot here. Girlfriend is a flight attendant. Personally, I haven’t seen too much go wrong. Just the usual tantrums over bags and missed connections. (Pro tip: If you book a 30-minute connection, you will miss it.) Pilots have the luxury of the locked door, but she is locked in the back with some nasty people sometimes.
“Like the time when a middle aged man screamed at her for a few minutes during a 25-minute flight because she ran out of apple juice.
“Like the time when a man asked for a glass of water during a tarmac delay. After delivering said glass of water, he dumped it on her head.
“Like the time when a man heckled her during the safety demo to the point of needing to return to the gate to escort him from the aircraft.
“Like the many times when a passenger insists that their bag will fit in the overhead, forcing it so hard that it breaks the bin, and requires a 4-hour delay to repair.
“Please, be polite to your flight crews!”
14. Superb Parenting
“I once witnessed a woman lay her toddler on the aisle and proceed to change his diaper. This was during boarding. I was gob-smacked.”
15. Don’t Mess With Flight Attendants
“My mom always tells this crazy story from her many days flying first class.
“Two years ago, she was on a plane that had just boarded and was sitting on the tarmac about to pull away from the gate. Sitting next to my mom was a typical business guy asshat who was on a phone call yelling at someone on the other end. A very nice flight attendant comes over, leans over my mom and says, ‘Sir, you’re going to have to turn the phone off, the cabin doors are closed.’ (Of course, if this was economy class she would have been more forceful, but she gives him a small warning.)
“The guy quiets down but he does not get off his phone. At this point, the flight attendants are doing the safety protocol speech as the plane backs up and all of the sudden the guy starts yelling again on the phone. Another flight attendant, this time more forceful, tells him to turn off the phone. The man turns to her and says, ‘Fuck you.’ She gives this ‘humph’ face and then turns and goes out of sight.
“It is at this point of the story that my mom reminds everyone listening that many pilots are veterans, they are military men and do not take that type of crap from asshats. My mom hears a door slam open and out of the cockpit comes the pilot. He is so angry you can see the veins on his face. His eyes bulge as he yells in rage, ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?!!? This is my aircraft and in case of an emergency I expect every passenger to follow the commands of my air staff. You disrespecting her, disrespects me and puts every person on this plane at risk!’
“The asshat now being borne down upon by this massive angry ex-soldier cowers, puts away his phone and stammers an apology. Without missing a beat the pilot continues, ‘You can take your sorry and shove it! You are not going anywhere! It is a federal crime to disobey an order from your air crew and you can tell whoever was so gawd-damn important on the other end of the phone call that fact after you talk to TSA.’ The pilot goes back into the cockpit, pulls the plane back to the gate. Some uniformed police come in and take the guy off.
“Dead silence on the plane. As my mom always closes the story, ‘God is my witness, everyone in unison takes out their phone, waves it in the air and shows that it is clearly in the off position,’ just like the ‘tickets’ scene from ‘Indiana Jones.'”
