Kids are an amazing blessing. They can bring an unimaginable amount of joy to your life, but sometimes you get so tired of hearing them cry over dumb things you just want to walk into the ocean. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. To prove it, here are 15 irrational things your kid has probably cried over not being able to do.
1. Skip Naptime
Look kid, I know you think it’s the worst thing ever to have a scheduled time during every day to sleep, but you have no idea how lucky you are. In a few years, not only are you not encouraged to take day naps, it will probably cause you to lose your job. Embrace it while you can.
2. Eat Something Poisonous
If there’s something you found in a cabinet and it’s quickly taken out of your hand, it’s not because your parents want to save all the bleach for themselves to drink later. You will literally die. I can’t believe I have to explain to you why I’m saving your life.
3. Touch a Fire
Oh, sorry I don’t want your skin to melt off your bones like an overcooked rotisserie chicken. I guess I’d prefer you to not have a 3D experience of “Backdraft” or look like the rejected soldier creature in “300.” My apologies.
4. Put Hair in Their Mouth
Why do kids want to put hair in their mouths? At what point does the idea of a follicle rubbing against your nubby teeth seem like something you’d want to repeat on multiple occasions? I want to throw up just thinking about it.
5. Draw on the Walls
You can draw on paper all you want, but please don’t start crying because your doodle on the wall coincidentally looked like a pentagram and now we have to call a priest in to cleanse the home. Those washable crayons were the worst idea ever because how do you explain to a two-year-old that those crayons are allowed on the wall, but other crayons that look identical except for a slightly different label are wrong?
6. Injure a Pet
I know you’re just trying to pet the dog, but when you do it with a rake it’s not really that pleasant for him.
7. Take off All Their Clothes
We all wish we could live like a Nelly song and take our clothes off at any given moment. But when we’re walking through Target, it’s not really an ideal time to take your pants off and spin them around your head like a helicopter.
8. Eat Dog Food
So let me get this straight, you won’t eat the French toast or the chicken tenders I made for you, but as soon as you see a bowl of disgusting dog food on the floor you turn into an episode of “Man vs Food?”
9. Take off Their Diaper
No one wishes you didn’t have to wear a diaper more than I do. But you’re the one that has the joy of filling the diaper while I’m the one that has to purge your body of the vile wasteland that inhabits it. The problem is that you aren’t going to use the toilet, so if you take your diaper off there’s going to be a trail of piss across the entire house.
10. Use Your Phone/iPad After the Battery Died
I’m really sorry you can’t watch another hour of “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” on our road trip, but let’s settle down just a bit. You know what app I got to use as a kid? The window. I stared out of it for 11 hours on the way to see my weird aunt in Jacksonville.
11. Eat Whipped Cream for Dinner
I love candy and junk food as much as the next person, but if the only thing you eat is whipped cream and jelly beans for dinner, your bones are going to turn to dust and fat will start dripping from your cheeks. You’ll thank me later for this one.
12. Not Eat Anything at All
Oh, so you just aren’t going to eat anything at all now, huh? Too busy doing cartwheels? You’d better be glad I’m around because with these lifestyle choices, you’ll be dead in the next week. Please eat this food. I’m begging you.
13. Wander off Alone
I get that you’re going to want to be independent when you’re a teenager, but the age of 2 is not really the time to start exploring Ikea on your own. I’m not Liam Neeson and I don’t have a particular set of skills that will help me find you in a store that’s bigger than Paris.
14. Climb the Stairs
I’ve watched you struggle to walk across the living room without tumbling over. I’m definitely not going to let you Stanky Leg down a flight of stairs and tumble down like Milli Vanilli’s album sales in ’96.
15. Go Outside at a Terrible Time
There’s so much lightning outside it looks like the first 15 minutes of Twister. I know you think the bubble machine looks so enticing out there, but you will definitely die. Think about your life choices, pal. You’re not Helen Hunt so maybe hold off on the storm chasing.
