Before we begin, let me clarify I’m not saying everyone that comments online is bad. There are some very nice people out there who are just looking to engage in conversation. They’re lovely people, I’m sure. We’ll cover them, but this is for the other fellas. These are the ones that leaving you rubbing your eyes and whispering the word “why” over and over. I’m sure you’ll recognize quite a few of them.
1. “Not Funny” Guy
Ah, this is a classic. This guy is so versed in comedy and writing that he doesn’t even have time to explain why something is not funny. He just wants the writer to know that they wasted their time in trying to impress him. If you ever thought about responding to him, you’d better think again. Any response from you is because you’re “butt hurt” and “can’t handle criticism.” Don’t worry, this master of the craft spends hours per day looking at memes, so if anyone knows about comedy, it’s him.
2. “Back in MY Day” Guy
This fella can be found in just about any comments section on the Internet. He’s sitting at home on his Packard Bell PC just waiting to inform everyone with what’s wrong with the world these days. Not only can he thoroughly explain everything that everyone else is doing wrong, he also has a solution for it. Granted, most of it involves “a good butt whoopin,” but still, he’s solving problems.
3. The Spammer
I don’t know how this is a viable marketing tool, but it seems to be everywhere. There are comments all over the place that start out with a relevant comment, but then immediately venture into a story about how their uncle’s neighbor makes $900/day from home just by checking his email. If you were really making that kind of money, why would you have to desperately tell strangers about it? Wouldn’t you have all of your friends and family on this gravy train to Money Town? I’m sure your mom would love to make that kind of money from home instead of working at the hospital. So selfish.
4. The “I Don’t Get Jokes” Girl
Let’s say someone writes an article and states that, “waiting in line at the airport is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.” We all know that the writer isn’t being literal, right? Not this gal. She takes everything literally and if you suggest that’s the worst thing that could happen to you, she will inform you of genocide, poverty, oppression, and tyranny. She is probably a blast to hang out with at parties.
5. The Incorrect Grammar Guy
Why is there always a direct correlation between those that are freaking out in the comments section and those that don’t know the difference between YOUR and YOU’RE? Here’s a quick tip for this guy:
It’s not: “Your gay and this was a waist of time!”
It’s: “You’re gay and this was a waste of time!”
If you’re going to use homophobic slurs, at least correct your grammar.
6. The Always Offended Guy
This guy is going to get offended by literally anything. One time I wrote an article about birthday cakes that didn’t turn out as planned, and a guy wrote me a three paragraph comment on why I should be appreciative of ALL cakes and that some people can’t even afford cakes. He was furious over birthday cakes. So, it really doesn’t matter what the topic is, this guy has a cousin that was affected in a negative way by exactly what you’re joking about or he has a friend that is allergic to butterfly shrimp so he would appreciate it if you didn’t make light of the subject.
7. “Well THAT Was a Waste of Time” Guy
Sometimes you’ll click on an article and it’s not exactly what you expected. It happens. This guy isn’t satisfied with simply moving on to the next article, he’s going to let you know that this wasted his time. Granted, this “valuable” time has been spent scrolling through a former co-worker’s Facebook profile pictures and taking quizzes to figure out which flavor of Starbursts best represents them as a person, but still. Now that he wasted this time reading facts about the Andrew Garfield “Spider-Man” movies instead of the Tobey Maguire movies, his day is completely ruined.
8. The “Let’s Make Everything Political” Guy
You could post an article about cute babies sneezing and this guy would find a way to make it into a political argument. To him, every picture of a funny animal is a distraction from Benghazi and sports are just meant to push Obama’s agenda. Sure sports were around before Obama, but now they’re run by the Jihad. Wake up, sheep!
9. The Time Traveler
This guy is truly fascinating because he’s traveled from decades ago just to leave an online comment. He’s here to let women know they belong in the kitchen and other stereotypes that no one’s paid attention to since the 80s. He also has no problem dropping little nuggets of racism either. Every time he realizes there’s a black president he shakes like Hulk Hogan after he body slammed Andre the Giant at WrestleMania.
10. All of You!
Obviously, none of you fall into any of the above categories. Nope, not at all. You are all lovely, supportive individuals that can give constructive criticism and still enjoy something you read. You’re not creepy and you definitely have more than a low-resolution picture of a pit bull holding a rebel flag as your Facebook profile picture. You’re the best and I love you.
