With all the sacrifices you make as a parent, there are times when you feel like just messing with your kid’s head. Of course if you had an older sibling they did it constantly and probably scarred you for life. In a recent Reddit thread, people revealed the most outrageous lie they ever told to a child just for the fun of it. They’re jerks, but some of them are really funny.
1. The Vultures
My dad used to tell us that if we lay perfectly still in the backyard for long enough then vultures would circle us and then land to try and eat us. My brother and I would lay silently in the backyard for hours while my dad sat inside watching TV and drinking beer. Well played, Dad … well played.
2. The Robot
I told them I was a robot and “proved” it by doing math in my head. They were in second grade, I was in college, and about the hardest problem they could think up was “What’s a thousand plus a thousand?”
The robotics program over at the college is doing some very impressive things, I told them.
3. Hands in Pockets
When I was in 9th grade, I told a 7th-grade girl that whenever a guy has his hand in his pockets he’s masturbating. She ran around the mall pointing people out to me and couldn’t believe she had never noticed it before
4. The Pool
In my high school, seniors used to tell the 7th graders that there was a 4th-floor pool (our school only has three floors. There was a door on the third floor that said “senior pool only” and somebody would occasionally get their feet wet and walk through the hallway leading to the door.
5. The Onion
I told my nine-year-old brother who hates onions that in order to turn ten he must consume and entire onion as if it were an apple. He did not believe me until the entire family got involved – my father even told him that he didn’t get to turn ten for several years because he had such a hard time eating the onion.
6. Harry Potter
My friend told his little brother that erectile dysfunction was a Harry Potter spell.
7. Words
I told a kid that the human body only has so many words until it runs out and then you die. That’s why old people slur their words more, because they are running out. It’s a lot of words, millions, but don’t waste them when you’re a child. They didn’t talk for the rest of the day.
8. Coconuts
The funniest one I heard was a father who was asked about coconuts in a store by his son. He said:
“Don’t go near those, son … those are bear eggs.”
9. Automatic Doors
No matter how fast you run at them, automatic doors will always open.
10. The Checkout Line
Whenever a kid is messing around with the conveyor belt at my register, I’ll turn it off and pretend he broke it. Sometimes he’ll freak out and think he has to pay to have it fixed and it’s glorious.
Sometimes the parent will think the kid broke it and they freak out and I realize some parents are stupid.
11. Unicycles
I told a kid that a car was essentially four unicycles lashed together, and there were really small people peddling at super high speed.
12. Vegetables
I’m an amputee and there was a little girl with her mom. She asked her mom why I was like that, so I told her that’s because I didn’t eat my vegetables.
13. Invisibility
I told my brother that I could turn him invisible. Me and my mum had a lot of fun with this. He truly believed this until he was at least 7.
14. Bobby Pins
I told my niece that every bobby pin has a different name. Carlos pin, John pin, Jose pin, Alejandro pin, … you get the point.
15. Colors
I had a friend whose older brother taught her all the wrong names for colors before she attended kindergarten. That must have been fun.
16. Potato
I told to my 3-year-old nephew that my sister’s name is Potato. It’s was 10 years ago, he’s still calling her that at every family gathering.
17. Kittens
When my wife I first started dating, my stepdaughters were little and for some reason, they learned that they couldn’t figure out for themselves what the meal was going to be. There were times I’d be starting a pot of water, have spaghetti noodles, sauce, and cheese SITTING ON THE COUNTER, and they’d walk in, look at it, and then ask what’s for dinner.
This happened often enough, and was followed by, “But I don’t like that” – often enough that I got sick of it. One day, I told the three-year-old that the pot of soup I had going was actually kittens. “SHHHH. Listen, you can hear them mewing, if you’re quiet.” As the pot is bubbling away. It got to be a thing, and 13 years later, they’re still asking what I’m making, and I’m still telling them it’s kittens.
18. Turbo Button
My uncle used to tell my cousin and I that the hazard button in the car was the turbo button. Whenever we tried to press it, he would just accelerate when we did. For the longest time, we thought every car, even minivans, had turbo in them.
19. Santa
I told my kids that Santa only comes to good kids’ houses. My oldest, who was 8 at the time, said that Santa didn’t come to her best friend’s house because she was Muslim. I said yeah, that’s just what her parents tell her because she can’t handle being told she’s bad every year.
20. Nipples
My friend’s dad when he was little: “Hey buddy, have you been pushing your nipples in every night?”
“W-what?”
“You haven’t been pushing them in?”
“Why would I need to?!”
“You know how mommy looks different? She has boobs, right?”
“Yes …”
“And men don’t. Because we push our nipples in at night. But you haven’t been.”
