What’s more fun than sex? Not a lot, really. Sports are pretty fun, music is cool and video games can be a nice distraction from the impending heat death of the universe, but sex is undeniably the best way to spend your spare time.
You can learn a lot about someone by having sex with them. For instance, you can find out what their vagina/penis looks like, and the face that they pull when they reach the point of orgasm. However, you can also learn what “sex persona” they assume. Sex personas are a group of characteristics a human adopts when they’re having sex; there are six in total, and if you don’t believe that you belong to one of these categories, then you’re either lying to yourself and/or are thoroughly ignorant, and should bring it up with one of your former lovers immediately, at which point they’ll reply “oh yeah, you’re totally a Living Doll.”
You may not fit perfectly into one of the following categories, but rest assured that your sex life certainly contains elements of each of them. Discover which sex persona you assume whilst shagging below:
“The Owl”
Adamant on only ever having sex in the dark, this person likely has crippling body issues which is a crying shame, but it also makes sex a bit like a horny game of hide ‘n’ seek, where neither participant is fully aware of where they’re grabbing/prodding. There will be lots of discussions regarding whether “it’s in” or not, a few painful yelps when someone has put something somewhere they shouldn’t have, and an awkward climax where no one is really sure where the ejaculate went.
“The Living Doll”
Too good-looking for anyone to ever really criticize their sexual technique, the Living Doll won’t try anything out of the ordinary because, truth be told, they don’t have to. You’re so preoccupied with being overwhelmed by the notion that THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, YOU ARE ACTUALLY HAVING SEX WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL PERSON that the sex itself is inconsequential. Afterwards you may look back upon your experience and feel a little underwhelmed, but at the time it seemed like the best thing that had ever happened to you in your otherwise drab existence and you don’t care that the whole experience felt akin to humping a sack of potatoes.
“Prince”
Some people seem to view sex as though it’s performance art, going about penetration as though they’re telling a story with their body to a paying audience of spectators. Of course, this isn’t the case, and what they’re instead doing is staging an impromptu gymnastics session upon the body of their partner, who is trying to stop laughter from escaping their mouth whilst they have sex with someone who is doing cartwheels around their genitalia.
You aren’t Prince. Tone down the sexy athletics.
“The Enthusiast”
You never really know someone until you’ve mounted them, and in the case of the Enthusiast, once you have mounted them you’re never going to want to leave.
The Enthusiast has a passion for sex that you didn’t think was remotely possible until you had experienced it for yourself. Name a position, they’ll jump right into it. Interested in kink? Well saddle up and get your leather masks at the ready, because they’re willing to give it a try. By the end of your evening you’ll have cramp in your legs, you will have had sex on every piece of furniture you own and every room in your home will be filled with the scent of bodily fluids.
“The Sloth”
Clambering upon their partner’s body with all the enthusiasm of a sloth slovenly working its way up a particularly tall tree, the only way that anyone would find this particular persona sexy is if they had a thing for lethargy. The Sloth is someone who wants to have sex, but who cannot be bothered with putting any real effort in to make it anything other than sub-par. Prepare for some thoroughly mundane missionary followed by a night spent listening to them snore.
“The Game Show Host”
The Game Show Host puts their partner in the hot seat from the moment they’ve unbuttoned their jeans, asking question after question until there’s just as much interrogating as there is humping. “Are you okay?” “How does this feel?” “Do you like this?” “What do you want me to do?” “Where should I lie?” “Should I go on top?” “Do you want to go on top?” The only way you’d enjoy answering so many questions in such a short space of time would be if there was a cash prize at the end of it, and as far as you’re aware there isn’t one.
