Photo: Columbia Pictures
When we look back at how we lost our virginity, a nostalgic tear (OK, several) comes to our eyes when we think about all the ’90s girls we ever thought about banging. While it may not have been a realistic scenario, the idea of being deflowered (yes, men have flowers too) by some of the hottest babes of ’90s TV is way better than what actually happened: us waiting until we were in college, desperately getting drunk on cheap vodka, sticking it in the wrong hole with some girl either named Kelsey or Chelsea before staining the poor girl’s futon. Hey, it could happen to anyone, even still today.
Although many of these ’90s girls are still hot today, and though some of them have shows together where they talk about how old they are now (Hollywood Darlings), we still get a little flutter of the heart and shake of the crotch when we think about all the unattainable ’90s girls we ever thought about banging. Ah, memories.
These ’90s Girls Were the First Ones You Ever Thought About Banging, Aren’t They?
I hope that you can now look back at the ’90s with an even bigger smile on your face.
Since we’re talking about important girls: Alexa VS. Siri: Who’s the Girl for You?
'90s Girls Deflower Us
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Amy Jo Johnson
Who didn't want to get freaky with the pink ranger? In the wake of the new Power Rangers movie, a lot of missed opportunity feelings have been popping up, including our love loss with Amy Jo Johnson. While the show was terrible, you can imagine how crushed we were at the time to know she chose the green ranger over us. Of course, now she's 46 with kids so we're really not into any commitments.
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Tiffani Thiessen
Back when she had Amber in her name and less boob in her chest, Tiffani was every guy's heartthrob. You can imagine our delight to see her breasts rebooted and enhanced when she joined the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 not long after Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas. We guess there is a God.
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Danielle Fishel
Photo: ABC
We didn't know where the name Topanga came from until we moved to L.A. but we also didn't care because we were too busy staring at Boy Meets World's Topanga in our mid-drool prepubescent glory days. She was mighty curvy for her age, no? When she posed for Maxim, she turned out wet dreams into wet daydreams. Can we say that on here? Yep, just did.
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Christina Aguilera
Before she was "dirrty," which is much more dirty with two Rs, Christina had us convinced she was a lovable Disney-friendly G-rated girl. After seeing this less-than-G-rated video in 2002, our outlook might have changed a little. Still good, just much "dirrtier."
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Christina Applegate
One Christina deserves another. Christina Applegate had us screaming "whoa, bundy!" at the television screen on more than one occasion, usually with our dad's right next to us screaming it, too. Between the hard nips and skimpy outfits, Kelly Bundy was pretty cutting edge. How Ed O'Neill avoided pulling a Cosby is beyond us. Can we say that on here? It is here until it isn't.
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Jennifer Love Hewitt
Photo: Columbia Pictures
During the Party of Five days, we were dead set on losing our flower to Jennifer and her blossoming bosoms, along with Neve Campbell in her pre-Scream days. When she went over to film with I Know What You Did Last Summer, our affinity for her boobs only multiplied, especially when she was up there on the silver screen with Sarah Michelle Gellar in her pre-girl-on-girl kissing movie days. Good god!
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Tatyana Ali
For every Carlton dance, we needed a little movin' and groin' from little Ashley. She might have been too young for that when the show started, but by the end Tatyana Ali was in full swing. I mean, why not? They were recasting the mom thinking we wouldn't notice so they needed a good distraction, other than Carlton dancing, of course.
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Staci Keanan & Christine Lakin
Photo: ABC
Christine Lakin was but a girl when the show started (but we were also but a horny boy), so while Staci Knighton and pretty much every female on Step by Step had us entertained, we were, suffice it to say, overwhelmed when Christine came into herself. Now she's the hottest successful actress from that show, other than Suzanne Somers, who maintains hotness in ways unimaginable for a 70 year old. That's older than our mothers, dammit!
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Baby Spice
When it comes to the Spice Girls, our general thought process was something like "yeah, we'll take anything." In hindsight, our choice to go with Baby Spice wasn't the best of the five, but then again, picking the youngest looking one was our rationale for why it was alright to touch ourselves whilst living under our parents roof on a daily basis. That, and Carson Daly needed sexy distractions to keep that TRL crowd from ripping out his jugular amidst all the excitement of '90s pop music.
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Beverly Mitchell & Jessica Biel
Photo: The WB
Most people would assume we were sweet on Jessica Biel because, hey, she ended up with JT. But actually, we always had a soft (err, hard) spot for the little sister (Beverly Mitchell). We're not talking about the littlest sister (Mackenzie Rosman), who strangely enough, would become the filthy one. Beverly joined a few of the other '90s girls we wanted to lose our virginity to (Jodi Sweetin (pre-meth) and Christine Lakin) on the new Hollywood Darlings, if you don't trust our opinions.
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More Whoa Bundy!
In case you need more "whoa bundy!" moments in your life, here you go. Don't say we never gave you anything.
