Photo: Ethan Miller (Getty)
When I was a horny middle schooler, as opposed to a horny adult, we used to play a game where you took your middle name and the street you were raised on, and that was your “porn name.” Freeman Alton, my supposed porn name, sucks. Or is it supposed to be Alton Freeman? Either way, it’s terrible. It wouldn’t be anywhere near top 10 porn stars with weird names. Perhaps I’m getting the method wrong.
Indeed, upon performing a Google search I never thought I’d do — How do you determine your porn name? — at the top of the page, we get a Yelp thread with three separate methods. And here I thought Yelp was for eating.
Anywho, the first method involves taking your middle name and the name of your first pet. Since my first pet was a girl beagle named George, I would be Freeman George. Which just feels very unporny. The second method is the same as the one I learned in middle school: Freeman Alton (who sounds like a British spy, or maybe the head of a covert world-conquering organization that spy is trying to infiltrate). The third method combines your first pet and the street you grew up on. George Alton. This just makes me want to watch PBS, not porn.
As is made blatantly obvious by the fantastic stage names below, these top 10 porn stars who are ridiculously named were presumably smart enough not to go with any of these aforementioned methods (though, apparently not smart enough to stay out of porn). For that, we celebrate their creativity with this ridiculous list.
Top 10 Porn Stars With The Most Ridiculous Names
Ginger Vitis
Photo: Stolk (Getty).
Don’t worry, I did plenty of Googling to make sure we’re talking about a legitimate porn star here. It’s true, she is. And while we didn’t use an actual photo here because NSFW, you can tell at the first red-hair glance why she goes by Ginger. It takes a few videos to fully grasp where the Vitis part originated, which is presumably from one of the textbook symptoms of gingivitis: “swelling of the gums.” Yes, this amazing talent’s got a legion of dudes getting horny for gum disease.
Seymore Butts
Photo: Johnny Nunez/WireImage (Getty).
Straight from the playground and into our dreams, every middle school boy in the world thinks the name Seymore Butts is awesome. And they’re right. The gonzo porn director/producer/sometimes-performer was actually born Adam Glasser, to Jewish parents in the Bronx, according to the gospel of Wikipedia. That would explain how he came up with such a ridiculously awesome name: all the best writer’s are Jewish. Though, the rest of his work still could use a dialogue polish.
Strokahontas
Photo: Jordan McAlister (Getty).
Though it’s hard to say for sure, as she’s advertised on some highly-reputable sites as an “ebony” actress, you’d think from her chosen name that Strokahontas would have some Native American blood in her. Perhaps even some Powhatan, like her presumed namesake Pocahontas. But according to her inspirational work in the critically-acclaimed Ass Like That series, Strokahontas can’t explain why she’s named such, she just has to show you. (Again, not pictured because some of us have jobs we’d like to keep.)
Justin Long
Photo: Paul Zimmerman (Getty)
Justin Long the porn actor spells his name exactly like Justin Long the former real actor. Or is he still working? The sad part is that I’m more confident I’ve seen the former more recently than the latter. Either way, it’s ridiculous that if you didn’t know the difference, you’d think the guy who played John McClane’s young hacker friend in Live Free or Die Hard could also be the same one in I Love Black C–k 3.
April O’Neil
Not only is she named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character — which is ridiculously appealing to any pizza-or-turtle-loving adolescent punk who grew up to be a horny porn-watching perv — but she plays said animated character particularly well in the very real TMNT porn parody Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles. Incidentally, it also features Master Sphincter, the Furry. Honestly though, I can think of nothing more ridiculous than huge turtle d–ks.
Also: These Adult Film Stars Revealed Real-Life Problems Of Being A Porn Star
@SuckingAllTheDicks
Dani Daniels’ porn name is pretty good, and even better if you’re a huge fan of alliteration. And let’s be honest, who’s not? But we step into ridiculous territory when we consider her Instagram handle: @SuckingAllTheDicks. Ridiculous, perhaps, but also really hopeful too, don’t you think? She was also, at one time one of the top 10 porn stars in the biz for sure.
Black Angelika
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Unlike Dani Daniels — who’s telling us exactly what we’re in for — Black Angelika’s name is quite misleading. She’s not black or angelic at all. Unless my idea of both is way off. If I tried to call myself Black Adam, I’d get a ton of shit for it. Just because she’s got boobs — huge, glorious, boobs — she gets a pass? This is ridiculous!
Boo D. Licious
Photo: J. Emilio Flores/For The Times (Getty).
Another hard worker who might have a better chance getting ahead in the porn world by taking some social marketing tips from @SuckingAllTheDicks: namely, let your name do the talking. But for someone named Boo D. Licious, I gotta be honest, I was expecting a lot more booty.
Cherry Poppens
Neon signboard: XXX. Photo: CG-CREATiVE (Getty).
Before you check out her website (do the research yourself if you’re really interested), make sure your computer’s good and protected. Maybe put protection on your own self, too, just for extra precaution. But you’ll easily see why her name is so fitting from the fine work she’s doing there.
Buster Good
Phongthorn Hiranlikhit / EyeEm
Nobody’s named Buster anymore, that’s just ridiculous. A sure way to become one of the top 10 porn stars with weird names is to choose Buster as a first name. Furthermore, any word you can add “her” jokes to is also a bit absurd. As in: “Wanna play poker?” “Poker?! I hardly know her.” In this case, that ridiculousness is even more amplified because Buster really is poking her. In conclusion, the best porn names are those that appeal on a juvenile level. I wonder why.
