couple have fun in the bedroom; Photo: franckreporter(Getty Images)
There are only two ways to really learn something: in-depth tutorials and excessive exposure. Unfortunately in the realm of cunnilingus, excessive exposure can lead to excessive venereal disease. Luckily, we’re already experts in the field, and we’re going to give you a brief seminar on pleasuring a woman by mastering of the art of cunnilingus. You will never again wonder how to go down a girl. And like any great user of metaphors, we’ll use cooking a turkey as a point of reference, because one bird is as good as another.
How to Go Down on a Girl
Prepping the Oven
Like any appetizing adventure, a little preheat time is typically involved. Such is the same with pleasuring your lady’s blossoming undercarriage. Although you may believe that oral-lingus is the only foreplay to intercourse, there’s plenty of foreplay to oral-lingus itself.
First of all, don’t put all your eggs in one basket by focusing on something you’re not that skilled at, but make it a small part of an elaborate plan to stimulate every muscle in her body. Necking on the neck and pecking around the beltline will mess with the wiring in her brain, as half the battle with women is mental, whereas with guys, it’s more point-and-shoot. Do whatever you can to get a rise out of her, and know that the better you do, the more likely the feelings will be reciprocated. And if they’re not, you might have yourself a lame bird.
Knowing Your Bird
You can’t very well get anywhere with anything unless you know something about it, whether you’re stuffing a bird with orange slices and pork lard – this would be the turkey reference – or going downtown on your gal pal. Although there is a general blueprint for ladies’ lovely parts, not all of them are landscaped the same, kind of like how hitting the men’s shower at the gym leaves you frightened and insecure knowing there are so many different shapes and sizes. Oh the sizes!
Any smart guy who’s just ho-hum in the mouth-hugging department will take a good long look at the scruffy muff first, maybe tinker around and fidget with the hands before further inspection. Note that some ladies – in addition to the ones on their mouths – have bigger lips than others, so be prepared to look far and wide (up top) for the mythological clitoris, and of course, the G-Spot, the little bean-shaped gem deep in from its flowery opening. Don’t go throwing yourself into the fire unless you know where you’re going once your feet hit the coals.
Spicing It Up
It’s easy to cook a bird like any other guy, becoming one in a forgettable number of blurry days streamed together into countless years. You should strive to be unique, roll the dice and try something you don’t read about on shitty sex blogs. Any half-wit can tell you that you can shove your fingers in – as many as you can fit – or just start licking around like a kid high on sugar in a sweets factory, but dare to be bold and try something she’s never had before. Deep-fry that bird and try gently sucking and tongue-tickling in ways she never dreamt of in all her years as a sexual being.
Here’s a fun little trick to try — get your tongue on her clit and wait until you clearly have it in the precise spot, then suck in the whole area with your lips like you’re trying to pop a bubble of gum, all the while still using the tip of your tongue on that immediate sensitive spot. She’ll consider herself pleased.
Serving Plenty of Sides
Amongst all the excitement of twirling your taste tester in her magical garden, don’t forget that the turkey is only a small part of the big meal. Some women have a high threshold for pleasure and can use as many sources of stimulation as possible, even though they may not tell you that much. While you’ve got your tongue in the honeypot, don’t be afraid to use one hand for an inside job and the other for fondling her bosoms. Some girls like to be firing on all cylinders, but as you get closer to the final lap, maybe focus on the tongue tap-dancing alone.
Stuffing the Bird
When you’re cooking up a storm, you’ve got to be consistent or you’ll lose the attention of the parties involved. In the case of the vagina, no words could be truer even if you were pussy-blind and moan-deaf. Once you’ve got her attention via full-body lapping and labia (the vagina’s rim) licking, you can zero in on the clitoris (that’s up at the very top, not down around her ass).
All you have to know is once you’ve found her spot, don’t stop. Rhythm is everything. Rhythm is a dancer. Breaking the flow of oral turbulence is like blowing a foghorn in her face; it’s a fellatio forfeit that will only have her reaching for her phone or propelling you towards giving up. Find a good rhythm where the first interval is one that has her either moaning loudly or talking freakishly dirty, then stick to it until she’s clinging to the wallpaper and suffocating her screams with every pillow in sight.
Pro tip: Combine the tongue-to-clit stimulation with some soft finger penetration using your thumb while the rest of your hand squeezes her ass. She’ll love it.
Knowing When to Pull Out
Usually when you think you can cook a bird for a few more minutes, it’s already a few minutes too late and you end up with a dry bird and frowns. When the girl in question has gone for raging waterfall to dried-up meadow, consider your options and don’t put her through any agony.
Not every guy knows when, but as the finale arises, throw all of the trickery and nonsense tips out the window and pull out, going straight for the clit with your tongue in quick motions and don’t stop to pick up any stragglers until you’ve reached the finish line. Go in like you’re bobbing for apples and don’t come up until you’ve got a prize in your mouth.
Being Cautious of Overcooking
Not every night is going to be a success story. Women who are frustrated from their day lose their mental capacity to get off and sometimes just need a good backrub and bedtime story. If you’re down there long enough and she’s clearly not into it, either get real creative or hedge your bets and maybe see if you can still stick her with some consolation sausage.
If you’ve been going at it for several hours with a numb tongue and lockjaw, she might not be a clit-stimulated girl – like most are – and needs something more rough. If you are unwilling or unable to complete that task, call up a friend or find someone who can help. No don’t do that, but seriously some girls just like it very wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am somedays and the oral arts are not for them, so give them what they like and be happy you’re even on that boat.
Service With a Smile
Like any good place of business, even if the food is terrible, it stinks like a pig sty and parking is a nightmare, people should always be able to say, “Well, the service was good.”
Let that be a lesson to all you fellow cunnilinguneers. So long as you are willing, trying and seemingly enjoying bringing her to fruition, there’s not much more she can ask for even if you’re a bumbling oral hazard with one too many butt licks and a few horror stories for her friends to hear of. Even if the smell makes you gag and the taste makes you almost choke and vomit, get in there like it’s mom’s pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving and show her how much you enjoy cooking that bird!
We saved you a weird convo with your dad, as there is no good way of asking a baby-boomer how to go down on a girl.
