Twenty years ago, the mobile phone idea was a bit of a phenomenon, this idea of making calls away from your home. Nowadays, though, phone calls are just a small piece of the pie, as technology has given birth to things like mobile matchmaking, a real time-waster and horny hobby of idle hands. What you get out of apps like Tinder and Bang With Friends (as a man searching for a woman, just as an example) are a couple photos, an age and overly used Marilyn Monroe quotes. None of which is much to base a solid judgment of a person, but instead an estimated guess as to who they are. Should she reply in kind, you’re in and the madness can begin. Click here if you need help with sexting examples.
Sexually explicit technology is of particular interest because of the fantasy involved, but the benefits rarely outweigh the potentially awkward, creepy and disturbing outcomes. And if you’re new to the fast-paced superficial game of mobile ocular molestation, you’re bound to make a lot of first-timer mistakes. Here are examples of failed attempts at love you might see along the way in this humorous take on sex searches and lonely hearts in the mobile universe. It’s clear from what follows that some of these guys just had bad mothers. Hopefully in the end you’ll realize that meeting normal girls in normal situations is the better play, but we doubt it.
Too Much Too Fast
With mobile technology we accumulate this jadedness with all of the instantaneous gratification. Befor
e modern technology, guys would take girls out for a few chivalrous dates before rounding the bases, but with technology like this, it’s becoming the norm to make the march down south before ever hearing her soft voice.
In not knowing what to say to a girl you’ve never met, most Rico Suaves will likely try to stick out of the herd and make their opinion very clear to improve their odds, failing to pump the brakes a few times before stepping on the gas. But gas is always bad when it comes to women.
Her Friends Are Already Your Friends
The most awkward part of this social network matching game is when you approve of a girl and then it turns out she is already friends with a number of your Facebook friends. That’s like sitting down to dinner with your future in-laws before getting laid. Surely that fatal risk won’t outweigh the horniness that got you here in the first place, ultimately leading to a forced awkward conversation with a girl you don’t know, and one who only knows two things about you: who your ex-girlfriend is and that you’re outwardly interested in infiltrating her naked body after just meeting. This can’t go wrong.
Seduction at Its Finest, or Just Catfish
There are no doubt going to be entertaining things to see when you scroll through photographs of girls trying to exert their talents in a couple quick pics. Be prepared for the extra slutty, extra efforts of girls who most likely snort macaroni and cheese powder for lunch everyday.
If she’s buying the seriously lame come-on lines you googled, and it seems too good to be true, then it is. You’ve caught yourself a serious catfish, buddy, and it’s best to toss that one back before she convinces you to quit your job to fly to South America to meet, where you will unknowingly become a drug mule hauling blow in an “empty” suitcase. Seriously, that’s already happened at least once.
A Full Blown Relationship Before Meeting
Some people are in it
for the long haul, even in the worst environment possible for a healthy relationship. Expect the occasional simple, easy question to wind up molesting the conversation into a textual nightmare.
If she’s sharing that much before you’ve met her, just think about all the great, heavily detailed stories you’ll get to hear in person. Anyone brave enough to pursue this situation to the next level must really be in need of some loving, so much so that robbing a bank in order to get some prison ass is
n’t ruled out as a possibility.
Nobody Gets Carded at the Door
Entering into these situations is like going to a college nightclub; you might meet someone who is the age they say they are, but it’s doubtful. In any event, mobile apps welcome people of all types and more dangerously, all ages. If you’re smart, you’ll keep it legal and when you start communicating with someone obviously too young, you’ll move along. Just because it’s on your phone doesn’t make it real. You think just because Ghostbusters catch ghosts in a movie that ghosts are suddenly real? Well, those actually are, but that’s not the point. The point is to watch your ass.
Too Much Ice Br
eaking
If you were standing on a frozen pond, you wouldn’t instinctively start driving a sledgehammer around your feet. At a certain point, you’d fall in and quickly be drowning, and so it goes with breaking the ice in conversation with these sex apps.
Anybody who starts off with questions about love before a casual salutation is going to have a hard time backing up to the simple questions. With lady strangers, the strategy should be no sudden movements, because if you start waving your sledgehammer around like a goddamn construction worker, you’ll scare off any chance for some good old-fashioned normal casual sex.
Trying Real Hard, and Reeking of Desperation
Guys will say anything at any hour to get anywhere with a girl; it’s our basic nature. However, some words should not be combined together in the same sentence, such as “Kathy Griffith’s standup” and “enjoy.”
Once you’ve gotten your foot in the door, it’s time to be cool and show her some personality. Don’t let your anxiousness well up like a kid who just got a glimpse of a pony hiding in the garage on Christmas morning. This will lead to drunken 2:30 a.m. texting with some girl you don’t know. You may think she’s as into the late-night hookup as you are, but you’re wrong; women have vibrating toys for that kind of thing.
Convoluted Group Photos
In a game of superficial, judgmental actions without anyone to play devil’s advocate, it feels more like a numbers game when it comes to group photos, so you’ll obviously make a hasty decision. If there
are five girls and three of them are cute, the percentage weighs in favor of “eh, go for it” when you can’t figure out which one she is. It’s a smart play on her part if she’s on the B team, but then again you’ll take anything, so what does it really matter?
It Takes All Kinds
Even druglords in search of a new partner in crime need love. That’s it. Just something to think about.
Related: Here’s 10 Things About “Breaking Bad” You Might Not Know
Pedophilia Pass to Prison
For a quick shortcut to the big house, you can always believe whatever number people put next to age, as if you’ve never once lied about yours. Let’s put it this way: If she shows up licking a giant lollipop with bows in her hair and Velcro shoes, she’s probably not as old as she says she is and you are about to run into Chris Hanse. That, or she has some real problems, and you’ve still made a huge mistake.
