The concept of throwing your own house party is a great one. For one thing, it’s cheaper than going out, and it also ensures that you will only spend time in the company of people you like, rather than being forced to rub shoulders with people you’d otherwise never speak to if it wasn’t for being thrust into a social situation together. It’s your rules, your home and your fantastic taste in music.
Unfortunately, the very real problem with hosting a house party is informing everyone that you want them to leave. Whether your party’s getting out of control and you need to empty your home sharpish, or you’re simply tired and no one’s taking the hint, there’s nothing more awkward than turning off the music and pointing to the exit.
You’re inevitably going to need a little help in convincing everyone to leave, so here are some tips on how to successfully kick people out of your house party:
Hide all of the alcohol.
This will be no small feat given the amount of alcohol that is presumably on offer, but if you manage to gather it up and strategically hide it somewhere, telling your party’s attendees that they “must have drank it all,” they’ll almost certainly make their excuses and leave of their own accord.
With no alcohol to fuel them, if they insist on staying in your home then they’ll only be forced to endure a hangover in the middle of a house party, something which no human being wants to go through. Instead they’ll likely choose to cut their losses, head on out your front door and stumble into the nearest place that serves booze.
Start crying for no apparent reason.
No one likes to deal with someone who’s crying, especially when that someone is a grown man. Prior to the house party start training yourself on how to cry on command in preparation, so that when you want everybody to leave your house you can scare them away with your salty tears.
At first they may try to console you, but combat their sympathy by being completely incomprehensible whilst you’re sobbing. When they ask “what’s wrong?” reply with “HUUURBUUUURDUUUUUUUR” and then proceed to sob even louder. Don’t do any of those weak subtle tears, either – this has to be a full on, Earth-shaking tantrum of the highest order, where the only rational response for your guests to make is to leave your home and potentially never speak to you again.
Change the music playlist.
As much as it may pain you to let your friends and acquaintances leave your home with the impression that you’ve got a seriously poor taste in music, a surefire way to get people to immediately lose interest in your house party is to take control of the Spotify playlist and completely kill whatever mood it was that you were trying to set.
We’re not talking about music that would easily fit into the ‘so bad it’s almost good’ category, either: you must play music that is either so objectively bad that your guests will noticeably grimace when they hear it, or music that has been so overplayed that they’d rather perforate their own ear drums rather than be forced to listen to it again. Think Pharrell’s ‘Happy’ (bonus point for playing it on repeat) or any track featuring Pitbull. Before long your guests will be attempting to break down your front door just to escape from this hellish nightmare quicker.
House Party Killer – Start cleaning.
Aside from standing in your guests’ faces and shouting it at them, there is no better way to tell people to get out of your house immediately than if you start to clean up around them.
Putting empty bottles in the garbage, moving your furniture into its original positioning and bringing out the cleaning products is universal code for “I am bored of spending time in your company, have a safe journey home.” This works even better if you interrupt any conversations they’re trying to hold with the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
Get in your pajamas.
Even if you don’t wear pajamas, preferring to sleep naked in your boxers, then buy a pair specifically for the point of the evening when you want everyone to exit stage left.
Pajamas are a statement: that statement being “I’m going to bed, get out of my house.” Unless everyone thinks that you’re trying to turn this event into a pajama party, which they absolutely won’t given that you’re all grown adults, then they’ll likely take the hint and leave. If not, go to bed anyway and pray that your house is still there when you wake up.
Tell everyone that your parents are coming home earlier than expected.
It doesn’t matter that you’re a grown adult with your own property now, telling people that your parents are coming home will instinctively inspire panic among your guests, who will be too busy having flashbacks of angry mothers and fathers bursting through their friend’s front door after their vacation ended early, only to find them not wearing any pants and stumbling around the kitchen.
After everyone has hurriedly exited, they’ll likely look at one another and say “Wait a minute, Steve’s 26 years old and that isn’t his parent’s home,” but it’ll be too late and you’ll have already locked the door behind them.
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