What He/She Thinks… is a new weekly column on CraveOnline in which He (Paul Tamburro) and She (Melissa Stetten) will be giving their opinions on a whole bunch of topics that usually divides the opinions of the two sexes. This week they discuss sexting.
Sexting – all the cool kids are doing it, apparently. With the rise of Snapchat and the like, it seems everyone who’s anyone is sending photos of their penis’ and vaginas to one another, creating their own makeshift porn and masturbating themselves into oblivion.
So what do Melissa and Paul make of it all?
Melissa Stetten
I’d say maybe two percent of the sexts I’ve sent to men have been totally honest. The rest of the time I’ve lied to appease their horniness. Women don’t sporadically think about sex as much as men, which is why sexting seems to primarily benefit the male species. I cannot remember the last time I was at home on my computer, and felt the urge to text a guy: “I miss your dick.” It rarely happens for me. I’m always either online shopping for clothes or obsessively Googling the latest chicks my ex followed on Instagram. I spend more time comparing myself to floozies named AmberGurl21 who post photos of themselves in bed wearing fake eyelashes than I do thinking about penises.
Maybe my birth control pills and anti-depressants have watered down my sex drive (they have a tendency to do that) but my first thought upon receiving a text that says, “do u miss me inside you?” is always, “Not really, but I do miss you telling me how pretty and funny I am. Can you do that instead?”
You know what I do enjoy? Sending sexy photos of myself to dudes. I have no problem spending 20 minutes contorting myself to make every single thing on my body look attractive. Nude selfies are an art that I’m proud to say I’ve conquered. Men are always afraid of sending dick pics because they could (and probably would) get passed around to a circle of girls. I, on the other hand, would be thrilled if one of my sexy photos got leaked because I know I look super hot.
Sexting isn’t easy. How many verbs are there for ”having sex” anyway? It’s really hard coming up with unique ways to talk about sex. It’s even harder getting in the mood at random moments. Men get turned on by the thought of boobs, women get turned on by the thought of a man writing them love letters. Men are very visual. They can look at a girl and know whether or not he wants to sleep with her. When I’m analyzing potential suitors, I need to know more important things – like if they can quote Seinfeld or have an iTunes library full of Radiohead B-sides. I can’t tell those details from a photo of a penis, although, I wish I could.
One time I was sitting at a café drinking a chai latte, when I got a text that said, “I’m so hard thinking of you.” According to my texts, I was “in bed with my hand down my pants” and “so wet.” So, why did I even respond if I knew it was going to be a lie? I felt obliged, I guess. I didn’t want to let the guy down. After a few minutes of exchanging lies, he “came so hard on my face” and I “came too.” No, I didn’t. I was reading an article about Miranda Kerr’s beauty secrets.
Sometimes I get caught in my lie when I see, “send a pic.” Ugh, I have to run to my closet to pick out some sexy underwear, push all the magazines and clothes off my bed, get the lighting right, then snap some sexy pics.
The difference between being turned on legitimately and lying about it is disconcerting. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy getting sent photos of a dude’s oblique muscles. I just got one of those photos today and replied back with a naked photo of myself with the caption “miss u, wanna do u.” But it’s rare that I’m actually at home in bed, daydreaming of having sex with a guy who just happens to be texting me at the same time. Usually, if a guy I’ve slept with starts sexting me, I’ll ignore it. I don’t want to pretend that I just got super turned on because you said, “my cock is hard.” Great. Good for you. Why can’t you just watch some porn instead if you want to hear a girl say dirty things? I’m not your personal amateur porn slave, so don’t assume I want to appease your horniness at any time of the day.
If I initiate sexting, which is rare, it means I’m actually into it and you should take advantage of it. Most women do not like receiving unsolicited dick pics, so men should stop sending them unless asked. You know what’s better than sexting, though? Skype sex. Is that called skexing? If I’m away from a boyfriend for a few days I will absolutely Skype sex the shit out of him. I would never do that for a guy I’m casually seeing. With my luck, he would take a screen shot of my vagina and post it on Instagram.
One time I had a roommate who was obsessed with collecting dick pics. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I bet she has a collage in her bedroom. A dick collage.
Paul Tamburro
I have never sent a “dick pic” to anyone. Maybe I’m missing out, and there’s some kind of joy to be had in sending a snapshot of my penis just chilling out to a member of the opposite sex, but I can’t see the appeal. There’s a complex mental process that men who take dick pics must go through that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot wrap my head around.
Prior to taking the dick pic, a man must scan through the contacts in his phone book, before landing upon a female’s name and thinking “oh yes, Samantha, I’m sure she’d love to see a photograph of my erection.” This is where I’d face my first hurdle. Why would a woman want to be sent a photo of an erect penis? Not once have I heard a female waxing lyrical about the joys of gazing upon a well-presented dick. You don’t give people things if you don’t know whether or not they’ll like them. You wouldn’t buy your mom a set of golf clubs, because she’d rightly ask you why you’ve made such a purchase when she’s never expressed an interest in golf before. Likewise, you have no idea if this woman you’re sending a picture of your throbbing nob to will take kindly to your unsubtle advances. Even if you’re already sleeping with her, sending a photo of your dick would surely seem a little off-putting and sexually aggressive.
And what exactly constitutes a “good” angle when it comes to taking a photograph of a dick? It’s not like you can contort an erect penis into a more flattering position or shape. It’s just there, pointing into the distance until someone relieves it, or until it gets bored and goes back to sleep. You could be more creative with a photograph of a flaccid penis, I suppose – perhaps rest it upon your bookshelf, to let her know that you’re literate – though I’d imagine sending her a photograph of your unerect dick would be considered an insult.
The final hurdle, though, which I’m surprised more men don’t fall at, is the knowledge that the female you’re sending that photo to is in no way going to be the only person who sees it. She’ll show it to her friends, her sisters, her therapist: all of these people will know what you’ve got going on down there, meaning that any social interactions you may have with mutual acquaintances will become a game of ‘Who’s Seen My Prick?’
While I wouldn’t be so bothered about people seeing my dick – it’s only a dick, after all, it’s not like I’ve got the Elephant Man’s head resting in my underpants – I would be concerned that I would become known as “that guy who sends out photographs of his dick,” and any relationship I may form with anyone after sending out the photograph would result in them cautiously awaiting a text message containing an image of my enthusiastic penis, as though I considered it to be some sort of social protocol.
Perhaps I’ve always thought too much into this, and perhaps it’s one of those things that grows on you the more you do it. Maybe once you send out your first dick pic the floodgates open up and you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to give everyone a glimpse of what you’re packing. But I still feel that it takes a special breed of man, one filled with equal parts confidence and sexual frustration, to really embrace the dick pic. I am not that man.
Follow Melissa on Twitter: @MelissaStetten
Follow Paul on Twitter: @PaulTamburro
