Some films have moved beyond. They achieve a weird kind popularity that goes beyond popularity. There are films that reach up and out of all of pop culture, and become the guideposts by which the rest of pop culture is steered. They are not merely popular or beloved, they are seminal, essential, untouchable. Rob Reiner’s 1987 fantasy film The Princess Bride is one of those movies.
Indeed, The Princess Bride is so well-known, so well-loved, so often quoted and referred to, I feel churlish writing an introduction to it. I went to see the film in theaters way back in 1987, and ever since – and almost immediately – peers and film-lovers the world over have constantly referred to it as one of the central positive forces in cinema. At the time, critics were very positive on the film, and critics to have reviewed it in ensuing years tend to use breathless superlatives like “perfection” or “one of the top films of all time.”
But since this is Trolling, a series devoted to wiping our feet on your heart, we have to ask ourselves if something that is that beloved can really be good. Yes, it’s time to tear down the banner of glory that The Princess Bride hoisted all those years ago, and wipe our noses on it. Let’s take a look at this overrated bucket of schmaltzy garbage and see it for what it is: a sucky film. Yes, it’s time to declare – to your anger and chagrin – that your favorite movie of all time, The Princess Bride, SUCKS. Here are just a few reasons as to why:
Oh sure, the film is bright, charming, and funny. The actors all give it their best, even if their characters aren’t very interesting at all (*cough* Buttercup *cough*). There are plenty of laughs to be had. But when you look at it in the right light, The Princess Bride becomes a meandering mess with a boring center, and enough obnoxiousness to put you off your soup.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
The Princess Bride SUCKS!
-
The Kid is Annoying
Fred Savage plays a young boy who is being told the story of The Princess Bride by his kindly old grandfather while the boy is sick in bed. This boy is an entitled and whiny little brat. I even thought that the first time I saw the movie, and I was younger than Fred Savage was in 1987. He badgers his grandfather, scoffs at a free gift, asks his grandfather to skip stuff, and doesn't seem terribly impressed by the story until near the end. It's hard to get into a movie when the recipient is so hateable. Indeed...
-
Why Do We Need the Setup At All?
The Princess Bride is a self-aware comedic version of a fairy tale, right? I understand the need for a narrator in that context, and Peter Falk would have been fine by himself, but why did we need the modern-day bookend to tell this story? Was it, strictly speaking, necessary to the tone? It seems to me that the filmmakers didn't trust that people would “get” that this is a mild send-up of fairy tale tropes, and had to involve modern-day characters to ram the point home. It's broad and obvious, features an annoying character, and totally extraneous. It all could have been cut.
-
Buttercup is Way Boring
The biggest problem of them all comes in the form of Buttercup, the banal female lead. Buttercup has about as much personality as a stapler. A gray one from the 1970s. She, like Fred Savage's character, does little more than whine about her plight. I can understand why this empty vessel would fall in love with a studmuffin like Westley, but why on Earth would anyone find her attractive? She offers nothing in the way of conversation or character, blandly laying back while other men fight over her. She doesn't seem to have much invested in this story. Even when she attempts suicide, her total lack of depth or passion makes it feel like a non-committed response. Wouldn't it have been nice if it were someone at least mildly feisty?
-
Andre the Giant is Impossible to Understand
It took several viewings of The Princess Bride for me to understand some of Andre the Giant's dialogue, and even then I missed a lot of it. It took many years and the introduction of DVD subtitle tracks for me to finally get the entire picture. I understand that Andre the Giant was hired for his size and fame (he was one of the biggest professional wrestlers working at the time), so his dialogue was of secondary concern, but it would have been nice to hear what the heck he was saying half the time. Maybe allow him to speak in his native French with subtitles or an in-film translator would have worked better.
-
The Hero Is Dead for a Lot of It
Westley is murdered by a bad guy about halfway through the movie. Just outright deaded. He is tortured to death by a bizarre machine (see below) and left to rot. Then there are about 20-30 minutes of film wherein the hero is dead. The story then becomes about trying to revive him from death using a magical pill bought from a pair of ultra-Jewish druids (?) living in the woods. This is a long time to wait just so we can revive our hero and get back to the status quo. And you know what we call that? Bad storytelling.
-
“The Machine” is Out-of-Place
Oh yes, and about that machine. Count Rugen has built a machine that literally sucks life out of people using rubberized suction cups and a complex series of wheels and gears. First of all, how does that work? It can suck a single year away from your life? Does that mean the machine knows how long you're going to live exactly, and then somehow causes your death a year earlier? Does it age you a year? Is it a time machine? And if a complex fantasy machine like this has been built, the question must be asked: What year does this take place? Like the 14th century about? It's hard to say.
-
What's the Plot Exactly?
And, when you get right down to it, it's hard to tell what the story is upon a single viewing. In brief, it's a love story about a separated couple who must fight to remain together, right? But why was the princess kidnapped? Who hired her kidnappers? How will her kidnappers incite a war exactly? What benefit is a war to the people who want to instigate it? Which country are we in now, what are their political beliefs? Why are they enemies? This is all very basic information to the plot, and none of it is clearly hashed out. Some of it isn't even addressed. The plot of The Princess Bride is vague and not very interesting. Usually we're too charmed to notice, but this is one weak story.
