Divergent VIDEO: Shailene Woodley

March 19, 2014

Dear Shailene Woodley,

You already should’ve been nominated for an Oscar for The Descendants. You were the only thing good about that movie. You’ve got this teen angst thing down. But then you went and did The Spectacular Now. Still teen. But where was the angst? You didn’t want to go to college because you had a paper route? Good flick, though.

Now, with Divergent, you have a teen franchise on your shoulders.

You got this.

You have a familiar face this time with Miles Teller (paper route helper in Spectacular Now). But don’t kiss him this time. At the start of Divergent he’s a dick, but he’ll come around. He did before.

You have a great sidekick in Zoe Kravitz. She’s smaller than you and looks up to you, so you’ll always be the dominant one in the friendship, but isn’t it nice to have friends in the future?

Also, you have co-ed showers! Someone told me that in The Hunger Games books Katniss’ regional folk are known to stink and be hairy – they have to be shaved prior to the games’ presentations. At least someone was sneaking in eyeliner for you.

Speaking of eyeliner, there’s no reason to fear your own sexual desires! But we all have.

And don’t let folks make fun of you for believing “in trees.” You’re a Woodley!

What a great parental duo you have! When the train gets to the end of the line, all you have to remember are two taglines from your actor parents. From your mom (Ashley Judd) just recall that, “murder isn’t always a crime”, and from your dad (Tony Goldwyn) all you gotta do is “believe.”

You got this.

Signed,

Brian Formo

aka Grown man who was an awkward teen.

P.S. I recently exposed my pit stains to you in an interview while trying to Steve Holt a “Beatrice.” (I can’t believe you haven’t seen Arrested Development. Someone should’ve prepped you for the Beatrice.)

Here’s our awkward interview.