When I began the Best Episode Ever column, I figured “Seinfeld” would be my white whale. I’d have to revisit all the classic episodes and deliberate hard to determine the best episode of one of the most beloved and revered series of all time. When I finally decided to tackle “Seinfeld,” it was a lot easier than I expected.
Most of the classic “Seinfeld” episodes you remember are pretty equal. They do what they do really well: a memorable hook of a mundane premise, effectively interweaving subplots, physical slapstick from Kramer, non sequitur asides. If it weren’t for this episode, it would have been really hard to separate “The Bubble Boy” from “The Soup Nazi.”
I’m also surprised I’m picking an episode that is arguably the most memorable, most referenced and most quoted episode of “Seinfeld.” No wild card choice here. The popular favorite is popular and favored for a reason. I watched a lot of episodes just to be sure, but only one other classic even came close. I’ll tell you which one that is at the bottom. I always enjoyed the backwards episode, but I wasn’t going to pick a one time only gimmick as the pinnacle of the entire series.
“The Contest” is the Best Episode of “Seinfeld” Ever. First and foremost, it’s the funniest episode with its innuendo and outrageous temptations for each of the four lead characters. It is also a masterstroke, pun intended, of how far the show could take take an everyday concept, something about nothing as it were, and build a complex yet relatable story around it.
You remember “The Contest” as the one where Jerry (Seinfeld), George (Jason Alexander), Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and Kramer (Michael Richards) compete to see who can go the longest without masturbating. It all begins when George confesses he got caught doing it at his mom’s house and vows to give it up for good. Jerry bets George he can never hold out, so George puts money on it. Then Kramer and even Elaine want in. As they agree to the bet, on the honor system, none of them realize what temptations they are about to face.
Maybe it’s that all four characters are invested in one story. They always interact but usually in pairs with shenanigans, never all four on the same storyline. They each have their own subplots too, as in what temptation makes them lose the contest? For Kramer it’s simply watching the naked woman across the street. For Jerry it’s dating a virgin, a recurring character from the previous episode. For Elaine it’s working out next to John F. Kennedy Jr. For George it’s visiting his mother in the hospital while the patient behind the curtain gets a sponge bath.
All four were in “The Soup Nazi” also, with different levels of attitude given the soup chef. In an episode like “The Sponge” though, only Elaine and George dealt with the sponge while Jerry and Kramer had other stories. Likewise, “The Outing” impacted Jerry and George while Elaine and Kramer had other things going on, although the two-line phone was Kramer’s fault.
It remains extraordinary that “Seinfeld” got an entire episode out of a masturbation contest, and got it on the air. “The Contest” has an advantage over other episodes for being extremely dirty without ever being overt or vulgar about it. That probably wouldn’t even be an issue on TV today, but it makes the comedy funnier. If this were too overt, it would just be gross, and if it were too tame it would have been lame. It’s a perfect tone.
“Master of your domain” remains one of the best “Seinfeld” quotes. There’s something so endearing about it, and it really has nothing to do with what it describes except the word “master.” But it’s really the opposite of masturbating, because being the master of your domain means you’re abstaining. You’re in control. Yes, “spongeworthy,” “double dip,” “No soup for you,” “Serenity now” and many others are all great, but “master of your domain” is another point in “The Contest”’s favor.
There is a contagious energy to this episode as Louis-Dreyfus in particular just cannot keep a straight face. Seinfeld breaks a bit too, but he often did. Richards does once at the beginning, and only Alexander holds it together completely. Even they can’t believe they’re doing this episode and it’s infectious. Elaine’s giddiness over JFK Jr. is adorable too.
“The Contest” is also pinnacle for classic “Seinfeld” schtick. Kramer’s immediate forfeit of the contest is classic Kramer, as his his impassioned speech to Jerry about the naked woman. The trio have a great non sequitur discussion in the opening before George walks in to start the plot. George is still exasperated by his parents. It hasn’t forgotten to be a “Seinfeld” episode just because it’s the most outrageous one.
However, the circumstances of “The Contest” offer a few noteworthy anomalies for “Seinfeld” too. As the contest drags on, George and Jerry get irritable with each other. It’s still over minutiae, but we’ve never seen them incompatible otherwise. While distracted by the naked woman, Jerry and George ignore what Elaine is saying. Since the humor of “Seinfeld” is usually based on interaction, that’s an interesting change-up.
As far as we know from the episode, “The Contest” ends in a tie. By the end, everybody has lost really, but George and Jerry are the last to give up. We do find out in “The Puffy Shirt” that George did win the contest. That may only mean he held out a few more minutes than Jerry.
The only other episode that came close to “The Contest” was “The Smelly Car.” You remember that was the one where a valet with B.O. infects Jerry’s car with the smell. The O left the B. Treating a common, if often unspoken, disgust like B.O. as if it was an Outbreak level pandemic was brilliant. It escalates to a level more extreme than even the usual “Seinfeld” episode, and also shares with “The Contest” a bravery in discussing something distasteful, without being crass.
Next week I’ll be back with an all new installment of Best Episode Ever, maybe with something more challenging than “Seinfeld” turned out to be. Surely I’m not alone in picking “The Contest,” but I’ll bet it’s far from unanimous, so leave me some feedback in the comments with your pick for Best Episode Ever.
