THE GORILLA MONSOON EPISODE
It’s hard to pick a favorite episode of The Book Report podcast, so sometimes we just have to go by the wacky names we give them, which usually spring from some ridiculous turn of phrase one of us makes during our free-flowing foul-mouthed conversations about various nerd topics. The sesquicentennial edition happened to coincide with not only the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman (and we had plenty to say on that subject), but also the Sharknado hysteria that led to Iann revealing his long-simmering plans to create his own Syfy original movie called Gorilla Monsoon – inspired by the legendary wrestler/broadcaster but actually telling the story of savage ape rain. Plus, if you liked Sharknado, you may still have trouble dealing with the tour de force that is Ghost Shark.
Incidentally, the runner up was how much fun we had crapping on the lamest Superman villain of all time, H’El.
The forerunner of the superhero turned 75 this year, and we were more than happy to celebrate 75 Reasons To Love Superman as well as some Truly Awful Superman Covers. Unfortunately, the Man of Steel movie also came out this year, and it split opinion everywhere, including here at Crave Online, but not so much on the Comics Channel. We had plenty to say about it on TBR #143, and Iann delineated his problems with this list of 10 Comic Book Beats Man of Steel Got Wrong.
Back around Valentine’s Day, long before the DC Comics controversy erupted where they drove J.H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman away from Batwoman because they wouldn’t allow Kate Kane to get married, Marvel was leaving a string of shattered high-profile comic-book relationships with the NOW! turnover – Black Widow/Winter Soldier, Black Panther/Storm, Colossus/Kitty Pryde, etc. So I decided to take an in-depth look at the histories of these pairings as a form of therapy for saps like me who can get a little too “shippy” with certain characters. So here’s the extended look at 6 Loving Relationships Marvel Has Recently Destroyed.
The bulk of what we do here is talk about comic books, because there are so many to talk about, and it’s always unpredictable – as evidenced with how we saw Age of Ultron go from a promising beginning to a completely pointless end and Dr. Octopus masturbating to Mary Jane. Sometimes we love things so acutely (such as Six-Gun Gorilla) that the writers single out our reviews for praise, but other times, we get things like Villains Month, which gave us a lot of opportunities for criticism, whether it be dissecting the finer points of Two-Face, lamenting the boring new Deadshot and Lobo, or continuing to mock the crap out of “Butt Cape” aka H’El. We’re not afraid to attack sacred cows – as evidenced by Iann’s enmity with Grant Morrison and his enduring disappointment with The Walking Dead – as well as not-so-sacred things like the non-Vertigo Constantine and the latest Godzilla comics. And if you can’t deal with reading a standard review, we’ll even hit you with one in list form, like 5 Things We Love About Nowhere Men #5. So stop all your fussin’, slap on a smile, because there’s a lot more opinionation where this came from, and we’ll do the fussin’ for you. We’ve covered so much stuff that we may need you to tell us which ones you liked best, too – although we know some of you think we hate Hal Jordan too much.
20 WTF MOMENTS IN COMICS
10 Comic Book Beats 'Man of Steel' Got Wrong
-
10. Lois Lane
Why is Hollywood hell bent on screwing Lois Lane up? This is a layered character, a cracker-jack reporter who is also extremely feminine and likeable. For some reason, Hollywood equates good-at-your-job with being a bitch, or being a one trick pony. Lois Lane in 2006’s Superman Returns was a bitch, in 2013’s Man of Steel she is entirely one-note. I like Amy Adams as an actress, but her portrayal of Lois Lane comes across as, well, bored.
Outside of allowing her eyes to get moist, Adams’ interpretation of the character runs the emotional gamut from A to B. Yelling at her boss, terrified for her life, fighting the bad guys, Adams’ Lois Lane never seems invested in the goings on. Where is the likeability? Where is the girl we love? Where is the reporter we root for? Margot Kidder managed to hit all these beats, why would Zak Snyder not have Amy Adams do it to?
-
9. General Zod
No offense to Michael Shannon, but somebody needed to put a leash on this guy. If you covered the film with blood, and fed it a pack of hungry wolves, there would be less scene-chewing than Shannon does here. Zod is supposed to be terrifying, cruel and diabolical. Shannon plays him so over the top, Zod ends up coming off like a WWE wrestler. Why does Zod spend most of the film looking like he needs to crap? Constipated Zod doesn’t scare me, he makes me laugh. Henry Cavill’s Superman is so maudlin that a slight exaggeration could be easily read on screen. Shannon could have really used some of Terrance Stamp’s laid back, arrogance, as opposed to this Ultimate Warrior “I’m always angry, grrrr” act.
People comment in other reviews that screenwriter David Goyer is to be commended for humanizing Zod, for making him do what he does because he’s genetically engineered to protect Krypton. Good point, except in the beginning when Zod wants to save only bloodlines he feels are worthy. Jor-El even admonishes him for it. Zod is a Hitler character before he ever leaves Krypton.
-
8. Krypton Babies
One of the main plot points in Man of Steel is Jor-El stealing the genetic code of all the unborn Kryptonians and combining them with infant Kal-El’s DNA. This is a major theme in the film. It’s the entire reason Zod, once he escapes the Phantom Zone, comes after Kal-El. At no point during the film is an explanation given as to why Jor-El did this. Forget character motivation, it just doesn’t make sense logically. How do the mutated genes of Kal-El mean repopulation of the Kryptonian species? Wouldn’t Superman have to die to remove them?
Even if they could be removed, who's going to do it? Jor-El is gone and I doubt farm life helped Clark Kent earn a degree in bioengineering that includes alien races. Jor-El’s hologram keeps referring to Superman as the bridge between two races, the last hope of the survival of Krypton. Great. How? At no point, outside of a plot device to bring Zod calling, does this Krypton baby code thing serve a purpose. The comic book ideal of Krypton was perfect. A society governed by science, whose loss of humanity is ultimately their undoing. Jor-El, a man of science who realizes their mistake, sends his son away to a planet in the hopes he can survive. That’s all you need. Man of Steel’s Krypton is plot overload. There was no need for some overblown subplot about Kryptonian DNA, especially when it’s illogical.
-
The Phantom Zone….Ship?
This one really puzzled me. The Phantom Zone is a place where only the most vile Kryptonian criminals are kept. There is no death sentence on Krypton, but this is pretty close. In the comics, the Phantom Zone is a separate dimension, a wasteland where the criminal element must survive on their own. In Man of Steel, it’s a big space ship where the cryogenically frozen bodies of criminals are kept. A ship? Really? The most brilliant minds in the galaxy have decided to put their worst offenders in a huge ship that, if they escape, can be used to fly around the galaxy and commit more atrocities? Granted, the ship isn’t supposed to have an engine, but Zod and his cronies make it work. Why would the Kryptonian Council not consider the notion that if the Phantom Zone malfunctioned, the captives could use it to escape?
In the comics, Jor-El was the only person who believed Krypton would be destroyed. When the end came, it was a total shock to everyone on the planet. In Man of Steel, they know it’s coming. The impending apocalypse is why Zod turns on the council. If the end is nigh, why not just keep the prisoners on Krypton until the planet exploded? Why go through the whole Phantom Zone process at all?
-
6. Jonathan Kent
This was a big thorn in my side with Man of Steel. Pa Kent rambled on about his point of view, but never made any sense. At one point, he’s lecturing Clark about being sent here for a reason. In the same breath, he also tells him to hide his powers forever. In one scene, Jonathan talks to Clark about having character, and how that shapes the man he will become. However, after Clark saves a bus load of kids using his superpowers, Pa Kent actually insinuates his son should have let the kids die for the greater good of keeping his secret. That’s some bullshit. People can debate over how Kevin Costner delivered the line, but the reality is nobody trying to instill the ideas of good in their child would even hint at letting children die.
Comic book Jonathan Kent would have never said that. In fact, I can’t think of any father who would say that to his son. This ties into the overblown Krypton/Jor-El idea. Jor-El might help Superman find out who he is, but it’s the love of the Kents, their constant example of doing that right thing, that makes Superman a hero. In Man of Steel, Jonathan Kent comes across as selfish and kind of a dick.
Kent’s death is also suspect. The end comes for him during a sudden tornado that crashes down on a busy road. Having gotten everyone, including Clark, Martha, and a few dozen Smallville townspeople, to safety under a bridge, Jonathan goes back to rescue the dog. There’s no way for him to get to safety, so Clark starts to lunge into action. Jonathan signals him to stop, and then allows the tornado to take him, as opposed to Clark revealing his secret. Um, what? Clark is way faster than the human eye. He could run, grab his dad, leave him somewhere safe, and be back before anybody under the bridge knew he was gone. The death failed to pluck heartstrings for this reason, and because Snyder failed make Jonathan Kent more than an amalgamation of crusty speeches.
-
5. Terraforming… um… Why Again?
Another big plot point was that Zod was going to use the captured Phantom Zone ship, in tandem with a World Machine device, to terraform Earth into Krypton. First, why would the Phantom Zone ship be designed to also help terraforming? Second, the World Machines, which were sent out with the early Kryptonian deep space explorers, have been dormant for nearly twenty thousand years. Yet they work, and look, like they were fresh from the shop.
More importantly, Kal-El adapted to the Earth’s atmosphere, so why couldn’t all the Kryptonians? Why would Zod need to turn Earth into Krypton, and kill all human life in the process? Sure, the adaptation process is a bit rough, but it’s not lethal. The entire terraforming idea fails the logic test. Zod was genetically engineered to protect Krypton. Fine, but this aggressive act towards an unknown planet doesn’t seem like the best first move. It would go against his genetic engineering, wouldn’t it? Oh, wait, his genetic engineering didn’t matter on Krypton when he wanted to wipe out the weak of his people.
In the comics, Zod invaded Earth to either rule or kill Kal-El. If Man of Steel had him destroying the people of Earth because he just thought them inferior, that might work, but here his decisions are suspect, especially for such a great leader. I also thought it funny that, based on the air quality, Krypton was basically just Los Angeles.
-
4. Collateral Damage
I get it. I fully understand that special effects allow for anything to happen. I do find it amazing that the filmmakers could digitally make an entire city crumble, but it completely falls out of line with the character. The random, and overbearing amount of destruction in Man of Steel, is ridiculous. At some point, that much destruction overwhelms the idea you’re fighting for. You become more focused on the thousands who must be dead and the billions in property damage.
That much pointless destruction also takes away from Superman’s inherent love of humanity. In the comics, Superman would have eventually taken the fight away from Metropolis. Even in the film Superman II, Christopher Reeve’s Superman left Metropolis to get the fight away from humanity. Between the battle in Smallville and Metropolis, the last forty five minutes of Man of Steel is explosions and debris. If the filmmakers had any true understanding of Superman as an icon, they would have known better. They were more focused on “could we” than “should we.”
-
3. The End
How did Man of Steel writer David S. Goyer manage to pen a plot that develops way too fast and then have it drag, limply, to its overblown ending? The first ¾ of Man of Steel happens in a succession so fast you can hardly breathe. Nobody believes in Superman, oh wait, here’s Zod, now everybody does. We think of Superman as our enemy, oh wait, no we don’t, he’s a trusted ally. Zod and his henchman are an unstoppable, brutal force that we have no idea how to defeat. Oh, wait, the ghost of Jor-El has a lickety-split plan that’s so easy even Lois Lane, who has never encountered aliens before, can outline it perfectly.
After all of that, once the plan is in place, the movie grinds to a halt as action and destruction replace content and character. The final battle seems to go on endlessly, and it’s based around a plot idea that borders on parody. Using Kal-El’s ship as a catalyst, the army opens up a black hole that sucks Zod’s followers, and their huge ship, into it. Um, wouldn’t the black hole also suck up Metropolis? How, exactly, did the hole close? Was there a timer on the black hole? Wow, it’s a good thing Jor-El thought of all of this back on Krypton. It’s like he had the script.
The final battle between Superman and Zod is another let down. Zod is a trained soldier with all of Superman’s powers. He even says “I trained my whole life to fight.” Yet Superman whips his ass, after ten minutes of gratuitous destruction, of course, and snaps his neck. Wow, guess Zod wasn’t such a big deal after all. Then, we have this whole back and forth where Superman destroys a spy drone trying to find out who and where he is. Superman tells the general, “You’ll never find me.” How come? Lois Lane found him by talking to a few people. If that wasn’t enough, General Zod LANDED AT THE KENT FARM looking for Superman. Wouldn’t that tip somebody off that our alien hero might live there, especially when Superman tells the general “I’m from Kansas, it’s about as American as it gets.” Did anybody actually read the script before shooting it?
-
2. Superman
Henry Cavill might be hot, and he might have superhero good looks, but he’s charmless and dull. All he does through the film is brood and look weepy. Did he not learn in acting class that a big, toothy grin doesn’t give you personality? His Superman is also woefully boring. It’s as if Cavill wanted to make sure there was no brightness to the character, that the presence of a true hero wasn’t as important as being a deep, troubled, heartthrob. How in the hell is humanity supposed to follow behind a guy who acts like he might snap at any moment? How about some joy, Cavill? A little humor and charm? Nope. Not him. Brood, brood, brood, brood. Superman is not Batman, it doesn’t work for him to be all dark and melancholy. It makes Superman unnerving, even scary. That is NOT Superman.
-
1. There Is No Magic
My intrepid editor Andy Hunsaker called it “joyless,” I say “it has no magic,” but we’re saying the same thing. What makes Superman such an enduring character is his sense of hope, his sense that brighter days are ahead. Seriously, he draws his power from the sun. It’s all about light, color, and the shining example of what mankind can be. A Superman film, as Richard Donner proved, only works when there is a sense of humor to it, when beneath the action and conflict, there is a bit of laughter, something that allows us to enjoy and be uplifted by the movie. Man of Steel has none of that.
From open credits to close, Man of Steel is morose, even depressing. I understand that Zack Snyder and company wanted to make a hipper, more realistic Superman, but that isn’t who Superman is. Superman is not Batman. He is a symbol of the best humanity can strive for, and the great things that can be accomplished. Man of Steel took that notion and buried it under layers of mope. Without that magic, Superman is just another superhero, a rather boring one in fact. Man of Steel strips Superman of who he is. It denies all the writers and artists who, over the last 75 years, have fleshed out who Superman is. The film is not just joyless, it’s arrogant.
-
Conclusion
So there you have it, Ten Comic Book Beats Man of Steel missed. I have no idea if this movie will be a hit. If people want nothing more than one hundred and forty minutes of special effects masturbation, then DC could have a home run here. On the other hand, if people are looking for a defining Superman film, something that translates who he is and what he represents to film, Man of Steel will suffer the same fate as Superman Returns.
The first clackity clacks of response posts will probably target me for wanting believability in a Superman film. Let me assure you, I’m not looking for the same level of believability that I would expect from a standard film. Goyer set up parameters for his film, guidelines as to what goes on within his creation. He then violates them and removes all believability within the world he created. That kills a movie for me. The second will be the fact that Superman KICKS ASS. I can’t argue with that one. If all people want from a Superman film is wham, bam, action, then Man of Steel is perfect. I’m looking for something more, and this film doesn’t have it.
-
...
20 WTF Moments In Comics
-
20. Joker’s latest crime spree is titled Boner Jams. That is all.
-
19. I wonder what he had to do for a date with Veronica?
-
18. Oh, I see.
-
17. There are no words.
-
16. Splashes on her face? Golden rain? Hopefully, the editor has stopped drinking.
-
15. This was purely for my editor Andy Hunsaker, because he loves to discuss what a douche bag Hal Jordan is.
-
14. Spidey falls victim to Anus Drain, his most disgusting nemesis.
-
13. You’re right, Gordon. We don’t.
-
12. Apparently, NAMBLA snuck into DC and added a panel.
-
11. This thing either urinates lava or ejaculates it. Either way... ewww.
-
10. So begins my search for this issue of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, because I have to know what the hell is going on.
-
9. So that’s how those Hugh Jackman rumors got started.
-
8. Thus explaining Hulk’s hairy palms.
-
7. The little seen DC/Marvel crossover Viagra ad.
-
6. I wouldn’t let him finish that sentence, Aquaman.
-
5. Spider-Man is curious how the cops saw through his cunning disguise.
-
4. Forget the wheelchair, Superman..shouldn’t we be more concerned with the tortured Superman robot in the closet?
-
3. There are no words -- part deux.
-
2. LGBT Community, your new mascot awaits. You’re welcome.
-
1. Best scene between Batman & Robin... EVER
