There is most certainly a near-onanistic level of self-interest in the now plentiful middle-of-the-road subgenre of “Old Guys Still Got It” movies. To elucidate: this is a genre consisting entirely of rather insufferable mainstream comedies, usually starring well-regarded sextuagenarian actors in full-tilt slumming-it mode, using the movie to openly declare that old age and treachery will outlast youth and vigor any day of the week. It’s a genre that aggrandizes the aged, while still openly (and in many cases embarrassingly) taking them down a peg with a string of hurtful Viagra jokes, painful scenes of Luddite technology wrangling, and a few nice-try points about the strengths of bygone pop music.
The genre is not just bare-faced wish-fulfillment for the aging white grand/dads in the audience, but a chance for actors of a certain age – who may be falling ever so gently into self-parody – to prove that they too can be in on the joke. To cite some examples: Last Vegas, Old Dogs, Tough Guys, Stand Up Guys, Something’s Gotta Give, The Expendables, The Last Stand, etc. etc. etc.
Pete Segal’s Grudge Match not only fits squarely within this subgenre, but may serve to define it ever after. To start with, it is almost the Platonic ideal of bland. Secondly, any interest in seeing this film comes not from the characters, the acting, the story, or the drama, but from the gimmicky, clearly pitch meeting-ready premise: What if Raging Bull fought Rocky? All potential amusement is to be derived from only from the sight of Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone trading barbs and proving that they can still get into fighting shape. It doesn’t really matter who they play, why they need to fight, or even what the outcome is. We just want to see those actors in the ring. If the film were a pop song, it would be an endless loop of its own hook without any verses.
Stallone and De Niro both play ex-boxers who, many years ago, shared one of those protracted sporting rivalries that always feel contrived, unless they’re in the movie Rush. The rematch that was to decide who is the true champion was called off at the last minute decades ago, and the true champion was never named. They hated each other ever since. Fast-forward to the present, and a hugely obnoxious boxing impresario (Kevin Hart, this generation’s Chris Tucker) convinces them to fight for some video game motion-capture scenes, which quickly turns into some real fisticuffs, and eventually snowballs into an enormous celebratory pay-per-view boxing event. Check off the sports movie clichés as they arise.
I suppose I can’t fault Stallone or De Niro for wanting to appear in a mediocre film like Grudge Match, as it allowed them to do exactly what they wanted to do for their careers: Lose a bunch of weight, pack on some real muscle, and prove the the Hollywood community at large that they are capable of physically strenuous roles. They banter a bit for intended comedic effect, but “banter” has perhaps never been one of Stallone’s sharpest skills, and the comedic scenes play out like a balloon slowly deflating. The film runs 113 minutes, which is a mistake for a movie that desperately needs some crackling throw-offs. But while the film flounders forward, you have to admit that, wow, those old guys still got it, and they can still fight and love and bulk up and etc. etc. etc.
I can, however, fault some of the members of the largely wasted supporting cast. Kim Basinger plays the woman who one came between them, and her character is so underdeveloped she could have been played by a lamp. Alan Arkin has made an entire latter-day career of playing wisecracking grampas, but he looks lost here, kind of confused as to what sort of movie he’s supposed to be in. The only actor who really holds his own is Jon Bernthal, who seems to be playing an actual character, rather than a transparent avatar of himself.
So when you flee the house on Christmas Day, extended family in tow, to do anything other than communicate for two hours, know this: Grudge Match will distract you, amuse you, and basically act as chewing gum for the eyeballs. It’ll be sweet for a few moments, and then lose all flavor, only to be spat out and forgotten a few hours later.
Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
