2013 is a strange year for Santa. While news outlets waste our time (why, hello there Anchorman 2) debating whether Santa Claus is white or not, we’d like to get in on some of these silly Santa debates. For instance, which movie characters from 2013 would the tubby purveyor of mass goods deem naughty, and whom nice?
Well, before we get to the list and check it twice, let’s provide some further analysis. Well, first of all, whittling down five people who were naughty is, well, much harder than findings those who were nice. Make no mistake, in acting, it’s more fun to play bad than it is to play nice. So while Alien, Mr. Epps, Malkina and President Snow were definitely all bad this year, they’ll have to settle for dishonorable mentions (still comes with coal). Who remains? Well, they’d probably roast the coal and then try to snort it.
As for the good, well there was a surprising amount of twelve’s involved in our list (12th grade, 12 years, a building number). Since it’s safe to assume that Santa enjoys the 12th month we looked to numerology for answers. If that sounds like choosing sides in the “keeping Christ in Christmas” debate, well, bah-humbug. The number 12 is said to possess: “charisma, self reliance and good singing.” Check, check, check. Like Sandra Bullock, Santa and the little savior himself, it all seems to be in the stars.
Let us know any favorites we might have missed and please come back throughout the week for more lists of the bests and worsts from 2013’s film slate.
Brian Formo is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel. You can follow him on Twitter at @BrianEmilFormo.
The Naughtiest and Nicest Movie Characters of 2013
CraveOnline helps Santa decide which movie characters from 2013 deserves the most presents, and which ones deserve the most coal.
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#5 (Naughty) Catherine & Isabelle, in Passion
As with most Brian De Palma films, it’s hard to say what exactly happened at the end of Passion. What was real? What was a dream? One thing is for certain: whether or not it turned out to be Catherine (Rachel McAdams) or Isabelle (Noomi Rapace) who choked lovers, plunged knives or broadcasted surveillance sex tapes at the office Christmas party, they both were doing some pretty bad things.
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#5 (Nice) Aningaaq, in Gravity/Aningaaq
Okay, so it took Jonas Cuaron’s companion short film Aningaaq to explain what the Inuit fisherman was saying to Sandra Bullock when she caught his frequency and was trying to call for space help. In the film it’s a nice moment that gives Bullock a bit of hope. A human heard her. In the short, you realize that Aningaaq (Orto Ignatiussen) has a sick dog he’ll have to put down. So how about Santa and Sandra give the fisherman and his son a new pup, eh?
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#4 (Naughty) Frank, in Maniac
Frank (Elijah Wood) owns a mannequin shop. Creepy. Somehow he ends up being incredibly repressed. He snaps. Blood and boobs abound. Maniac is hard to watch because it ratchets up the perversity by shooting most of the film in first-person, as if the viewer, complacent by watching, is doing the naughty things. However, at least it’s fake. The rest of the naughty list, however...
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#4 (Nice) Aimee, in The Spectacular Now
“Nice” is probably the first word to come to mind to described Aimee (Shailene Woodley). She’s so nice she might not even go away to college so that she can run her mom’s paper route for her. Wait, that’s kinda stupid. Well, she is really supportive of her drunken boyfriend (Miles Teller), especially when he meets his drunken father (Kyle Chandler).
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#3 (Naughty) Shia LaBeouf, director of Howard Cantour.com
Onto the caught red-handed portion... Somehow LaBeouf (he of Transformers and upcoming Nymphomaniac films) had a short film credited as “written and directed by Shia LaBeouf” screened at the Cannes Film Festival and forgot to, oh credit that he directly lifted exact dialogue and scenarios from a Daniel Clowes (Ghost World) graphic novella. LaBeouf might’ve had no beef if he hadn’t put it up on his website, where eventually, Team Clowes found out. Says Shia: “I fucked up.”
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#3 (Nice) Faith, in Spring Breakers
Faith (Selena Gomez) does go to Florida with her miscreant friends to party. She, however, actively loves the Lord, doesn’t partake in the robbery, and doesn’t kill anyone. Fun and danger don’t cross for Faith. Nope, get on that bus back home, girl; Santa just got you a onesie.
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#2 (Naughty) Jordan Belfort, in The Wolf of Wall Street
Stealing from artists is bad, but stealing millions from poorer people is worse. However, Santa would blush about the excessive depravity that Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) spends his money on. Most of the movie is surprise scenarios, so we won’t spoil them. However, since this is during the first five minutes we’ll make a pun: like Santa, Belfort also goes down the chimney. But that’s to snort cocaine out of a prostitute’s ass.
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#2 (Nice) Bass, in 12 Years a Slave
If you saw a trailer for 12 Years a Slave you know what Brad Pitt (playing Bass) is there to do: be above slavery (literally! he’s Canadian!) and be kind to Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor). However, knowing the possible repercussions for his actions, his kindness and bravery is nothing to joke about. That beard, however…
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#1 (Naughty) Adrian Doorbal, Paul Doyle and Daniel Lugo in Pain & Gain
You can’t make up the true story depicted in Pain & Gain, although Michael Bay does soften it a little. Three bodybuilding meatheads (Anthony Mackie, The Rock and Mark Wahlberg) attempt extortion by kidnapping, torturing, burning alive, running over and leaving for dead a millionaire, who’s still alive. We haven’t even gotten to their visit to Home Depot or the grill and they’d’ve already topped the naughty list. In fact, it feels icky to just say that was naughty. They were reprehensible.
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#1 (Nice) All Staff Members and Children, in Short Term 12
Santa should be extra nice to those in need, and extra nice to those who take shit pay to help those in need. There’s love and tough love in this temporary house for at risk kids. Oh what was that about 12 again? Self-reliance? Gotta have it. Charisma? While the others are grounded, Mason (John Gallagher, Jr.) shows kindness in funny stories. Good singer? Well, I dunno about singing, but Marcus (Keith Stanfield) performs a truly heartbreaking rap (about living a “life not knowing what a normal life’s like”).
In all seriousness, show kindness. Happy holidays.
