Welcome to Trolling, my dear internet geeks, the moist underground cyber-grotto where online hatred is amplified to godlike extremes. It is here, in this dark wet cave, that hatred begins. I am an amphibious, sharp-toothed, devolving newt man, feeding off desiccated fish corpses, empty cans of Tecate, and pure chunks of hatred. I often shun the light, only emerging into the surface world to openly and happily declare that what you hate is actually lovable, and what you love ought to be hated. This week, I’ll be tearing down a movie character everyone adores. Loki is on the chopping block, my frenemies.
Why do people like Loki? Really, I don’t get it. Of the characters to come out of the recent cinematic Marvel Studios cycle (y’know, the overbloated, overexposed one with far too much acclaim), the villainous Loki – as played by British actor Tom Hiddleston – has been the second breakthrough star after Iron Man. Sure some people claim to like the Thor movies, and the Captain America movie does its job well enough I suppose, but Loki has become a legitimate phenomenon unto himself. He has now been featured in three live-action movies (Thor, The Avengers, and Thor: the Dark World) and both critics and fans of the series can agree that Loki is one of the best parts of these films.
But is he really all that great? Indeed, could it be that he sucks? I don’t understand why so many people have flocked to the character. People see him as sympathetic, wonderfully malignant, cartoonishly evil, wounded and relatable, and – most baffling of all – sexually arousing. I would argue that he is perhaps none of these things because, at the character’s very core, he is poorly written and ill-defined. Let Trolling take the piss, my friends. Because the piss is the best thing to take.
Um, maybe ignore that last sentence. Let’s explore why Loki SUCKS.
Credit where credit is due: Tom Hiddleston is an appealing screen presence, and seems to give Loki some sort of panache; he’s very good at shouting silly dialogue and narrowing his eyes. But Hiddleston just can’t make Loki come to life in any significant way. Loki is a lame, lame villain who doesn’t seem strong or evil because he doesn’t have any clear goals. Remember how the Joker was devoted to chaos? Or how Bullseye was devoted to his craft? Or even how The Green Goblin was devoted to his own insanity? Or how Magneto is devoted to his principals? Or how Venom is devoted to revenge? Or Dr. Doom is devoted to acquiring superpowers and getting revenge? Even the villains in Ghost Rider were more interesting, because we knew they were boilerplate evil, and at least that’s something.
What is Loki devoted to? What is he getting revenge for? What principals does he stand for? What is he good at? How mad is he? The answer: No one thought of those answers.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is a featured contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
Loki SUCKS
-
Ill-Defined Powers
Loki is a superalien demigod... or something. He poses as the Norse god of mischief, so he's at least partly deity or partly supernatural (although the Marvel movies attempt complex expository calisthenics to establish that they are not magical, but merely technologically advanced, and it only looks like magic – whatever). And what can Norse aliens-cum deities do? Well, as it turns out, however much or little they need to do depending on the situation. Either they are invulnerable, or they aren't. Are they super-strong? Can they fly or run real fast? I'm not exactly sure what Loki can do, or is he even qualifies as a superbeing. He does have a magical staff in The Avengers, but that wasn't powered by his own body, it has a glowing widget in it.
-
Indeed, Can He Do Anything?
Indeed, if you look at the three films he's in, the only superpower he seems to have is that he can cast illusions and change his appearance. Really? That's it? Loki is no better than Spider-Man's Mysterio? And if he can cast illusions and change his appearance, how is it that he's caught? He has superpowers like that, and he's still dumb enough to be detected. For being a god of mischief, he's not very tricky or treacherous or clever or even basically intelligent.
-
Ill-Defined Weaknesses
What can kill Loki? Well, it turns out a lot. For being a superbeing of some vague stripe, you'd think that he's be immortal or invulnerable, or, at the very least, only have a specific weakness like Superman's kryptonite. In The Avengers, he's locked in a glass cage, and dangled miles above the ground. Really? Something as simple as gravity can kill him? And not the gravity of a thousand suns, but a mere fall from miles up. Is that dumb to anyone else?
-
Ill-Defined And/Or Stupid Goals
Really, Loki's plans are so stultifying and lame, it's a surprise he got as far as he did. He wants to take over the world, or rise to his father's throne maybe, and he does so by pretending to betray someone, only to un-betray them later, only to change his mind, and borrow an army of aliens that can be fought off by harrier jets... And what did he want to do? Destroy the Earth? There are easier ways than enlisting aliens; did anyone mention nuclear bombs to this guy? Does he want to take it over? How is a single small alien army going to help him? And why is he involving the Avengers at all? Does he really care for his brother or not? What does he want to do? It seems to me, beyond wanting his father's throne and/or taking over the world, Loki's only goal in this world is to... rule, maybe? And it doesn't matter what, or why. Or how. Or even if he's successful.
-
Indeed, When Did He Ever Have a Plan?
You know what would have been nice? If Loki ever took a single moment to openly and simply explain what it is he wanted to do in any of his films. Yes, I need it that clearly spelled out, because the way it is, his plan is such that it looks like he doesn't have a plan. There is a speech in The Avengers about how humans were born to be ruled, and for that one scene, the character almost makes sense. But the sentiments in that scene don't seem to pertain to any other scenes in any other movies, because he doesn't seem to live by that ethos, or restate it as a general interest.
-
Ill-Defined Motivation
Why does Loki do what he does? You might say to earn the trust of his father and brother, right? Be he doesn't care about his father or brother, because he's constantly trying to kill them. This doesn't make him ambivalent and torn, it makes him vague and ambiguous. If your character has no goals, and we never know what his clear motivations are, then you sir have a weak character. Go back and write a few more drafts. Give us a realistic goal and some relatable motivations. Or just a clearly stated goal, and some actual motivations. As far as I can tell, the only thing driving Loki is his desire to look evil. Why does he want to look evil? To either impress his family. Or kill them. Or take them over. Or take over Earth.
-
No, The Vague Motivation Doesn't Make Him “Tricky”
Y'know what character I love, but whose motivations are never made clear? Iago from William Shakespeare's “Othello.” That character's lack of motivation actually forced us to contend with the fact that he may just please himself with lying to and tricking people. Sometimes a vague motivation can be dramatically chilling. It can show their devotion to chaos and death drives. But Loki is no Iago. He doesn't exist in a twisted emotional universe of betrayal. He lives to fight clearly-defined superheroes in a slick and ultra-clean universe. Although dialogue tells us that he's a tricky liar, he's actually just badly written.
-
He's Not Really Evil, Because He Does Nothing Evil
Loki goes to prison for being a bad guy. What are his crimes in toto? He tries to usurp his father's throne by making him really sick. He tries to kill a few people without success. He wrecks some buildings in New York. He steals a magical widget that he wastes on an alien army. He, uh, lies to people... Wait a second, when is this guy going to do something actually wicked? When is he going to murder someone for no reason? Eat a human heart? Cut off a little girl's hand? Destroy something other than the exteriors of a few buildings in New York? How many lives does he ruin over the course of his three movies? The answer is none. This means he's not really devoted to doing evil, or he just sucks as a villain. Or perhaps both.
-
Too Much of a Turncoat
There was a scene in Thor: The Dark World wherein Loki and Thor went to confront Evil Elf to steal the Aether out of Natalie Portman's body (it makes a little more sense in context). In that scene, Loki cut off Thor's hand and revealed that he was going to betray Thor. I accepted this immediately, and it changed the course of the plot. Then there was a double-back. It turns out that Loki only illusioned that act, and that he was helping Thor all along. I guess I accepted this too. Loki, then, can be good or evil on a moment's notice. He's a turncoat who turncoats his own turncoats. Which means he can be anything at any time. If you have a character that can change shape, has no motivation, is not really good or evil, doesn't have any goals, doesn't have any motivations, and can behave in any fashion in any scene, then you have yourself a badly made, badly written, badly defined, chaotic character. This is the worst kind of character.
And people like this guy.
