The best thing I can say for Amazing X-Men #1 is that Jason Aaron has decided to forgo his usual “amazing start into craptacular finish” model and just start on the crap side. Amazing X-Men is poorly written. That’s it, that’s all I can say about it. Aaron has really outdone himself with this one. It’s as if he decided that he has no interest in actually writing the X-Men characters as they are, but instead wants to cram them into a wacky comedy.
Comic book fans, and X-Men fans especially, have been waiting for the return of Kurt Wagner. Marvel has entrusted the return of the Blue Elf to Aaron, and if issue #1 is any indication of what’s to come, Kurt should have remained dead. Right from the start, there are problems. Amazing X-Men opens with Kurt, cloaked in a white robe, looking off the precipice of what is supposed to be Heaven. Kurt’s sad. Why? Well, he feels he needs to return to Earth, that there is more to be done before he can retire from day-to-day life.
Cue a collection of wacky-looking space pirates. They attack Heaven by “bamfing” into it. For those unaware, the “bamfs” are the sound Kurt makes when he teleports, but they’re also furry creatures that look like Kurt and a tiny puppy had a litter. After the wacky pirates, Kurt’s father Azazel appears and spits out all kinds of typical villain monologues about how he hates his son and he’s going to destroy heaven. The dialogue here is laughable, but at least tolerable.
This brings me to the entirety of what happens at the Jean Grey School. Aaron has decided to tickle our old school chins by bringing back Firestar. However, Angelica Jones isn’t here to be a hero, she’s been hired to teach a class. Entering the school, Jones is greeted with the nutty banter I’m assuming Jason Aaron finds funny. Storm and Wolverine talking about having a quickie in a shower. Wolverine being admonished for taking the kids to a kung-fu marathon during finals. Iceman yelling at Warbird for coming into his room with his door locked, and Warbird retorting “a door that opens after two kicks is not locked.” OMG. What hilarity.
As this unbearable lesson in bad dialogue continues, Hank McCoy is trying to hunt down the cute blue bamf creatures because they have stolen his coffee maker. In the catacombs of the school, they discover the bamfs have been building a teleporter. Next is a two-page gatefold of all the main X-Men in this story standing around and delivering one-liners. I don’t say that to exaggerate my claim, that’s literally what each character is doing. Ultimately, it turns out the little blue bamfs have created this teleporter to bring X-Men to heaven to stop Azazel.
The actual story here isn’t bad, but Aaron’s writing is atrocious. I’m going to assume Aaron was trying to make Amazing X-Men a lighter, more upbeat series than the rest of the mutant books. He fails at that. What Aaron excels at is writing dialogue that feels straight out of a sitcom. Almost every panel involving the Jean Grey School seems to demand a canned laugh track follow it.
Even Ed McGuinness, who is usually so dependable for quality art, falls short of the mark. I don’t think it’s McGuinness’ fault – I think he was trying to draw in the same vein Aaron was writing. Everyone involved has overly exaggerated reactions, especially Hank McCoy, who spends most of the issue looking like He-Man’s battle cat standing on two legs. The art here is so over-the-top, it’s borderline obnoxious, which matches perfectly with Aaron’s writing.
(2 Art, 1 Story)
